Lili 2
I am committed to figuring out how to be extraordinarily successful with men. even tho they drive us nuts.
I am 100% certain that the thing to do with men, when they start something you don't like, is to happily ignore them... without resentment, or hissy fits, talks, or tears. just exit the convo. nicely, happily, and go do something else. something you really enjoy. anything. go buy shoes. not kidding.
go to the beach. go get a kitten. sign up for tango.
eNjOy LiFe.
keep your sentences to men short. soft, femmy and short.
men love it.
do not put all your cards on the table. and always surprise them. keep them on their toes. do not evah tell them everything about yourself. evah.
men like girls who are focused on their own pleasure.
these, they consider, really nice girls.
go work out more. it changes your brain chemistry so you don't obsess. because your brain chemistry gets different. not lying. it also changes it so you don't get angry as much.
and, it keeps you busy. and hot. ;)
exercise bathes your brain and all your neurons in endorphins, which give you natural happee feelings
Auberge,
Heaven knows why I have so much trouble...I JUST got off the phone with a guy and I didn't obtain my objective. :) We have a second date scheduled for tonight. We were supposed to go to a movie, but he called me at work just now to suggest dinner instead.
good. it's an upgrade. ;)
I said sure, and he suggested a particular restaurant.
mmm...hmmm...
I said that sounded fine, and he said, "What time do you want to meet there?" Now, this restaurant happens to be convenient for him (near where he lives, I think) but a cab ride away from my office for me.
I said, "Er, um [I didn't mean to say that part, but I was trying to figure out what to say], could you pick me up at my office?"
He said, after a pause "Well, if I did that, I'd have to come all the way over to the x side and then go back to the y side of town." I was silent.
here, go, sweetly, "mmmmm...I think i'll pass. mmm...I think i'll go to a dance class tonite!".
be so sweet. innocent like. like marilyn monroe. happy & sweet. you just lost interest for *no reason*. you don't even *know* why. you are just happy. your mind has just wandered naturally . you are a really nice girl, and you are now thinking of something else. a dance class. oohlalah.
(or a climbing wall- or whatever is your thing)
you aren't mad or anything. you aren't personally insulted. you are too happy & secure for that.
he is lucky to have your attention, because it's so fun to have your attention, but your mind wanders a lot, when men don't treat you super cool. your mind wanders- but not angrily- just naturally- in a secure, happy, light, feminine way.
Long pause. He said, "Well, okay, I guess I can--but why?"
just go, sweetly, "oh, on second thought, i'll pass on tonite- but it was SO nice to hear from you! good luck on your car race/ med school exam/ presentation at work! babhye!".
Another pause. (I get tongue-tied on the phone with the cute ones even when we're not wrestling over him picking me up.) I said, "Oh, well, I don't know exactly what time I'll be finished here; I wouldn't want you sitting in the restaurant waiting for me..."
nooooooo!
So then he suggested calling me back later in the evening when I would know better what time I would be done (i.e., he still wants to meet at the restaurant!)
you are training him to do it.
learn to say cool things guys LIKE to hear (that make you a challenge!), like..
"mmmmm...thanks for the invitation! wow. that is really nice! but...mmm...I think I'll pass! anyway, I have to go to dance (climbing wall/music practice)".
learn to say, "mmm...on second thought, I think I'll pass..." or "mmmm...wow. that sounds fun, but I think i'll pass"
make it a reflex, when a convo starts to not go right. the minute after you get that first "uh-oh", sinking feeling, from what he's saying.
I couldn't think of a thing to say, so I said, "OK, call me later" and got off the phone thinking, gosh, that didn't go so well. :-)
noo, it did not. lol.
What should I have said? Just, "I'd prefer not to go that far?"
noo! a dreamgirl would nevah. a dreamgirl would just lose interest. becaause she isn't interested in guys who don't go all out for her. why? because she knows she is The Bomb. she would lose interest, naturally, with no angry, insulted feelings. she wouldn't pay any attention.
This guy is cute, smart, well educated, great job; but I remember he was a little reluctant to come to my 'hood for our Date Zero too. He did in the end, though.
Just Ignore Mr. Wonderful. ;)
he will see you as a challenge, if you do, and get more interested, and go all out for you.
guys are totally not like us.
emily87,
Its like he's all into me and having fun and laughing and all and then is like I'm scared.
he's not "scared". he is not scared of *anything*. it is a cover for what is really going on. guys who love you, Just Love You. they don't say things like that.
niether is he "confused". not about *anything*. it is a cover for what is really going on, that he does not want to disclose.
Just Move On, whe men say either of these two phrases. Let them alone. Give them Space All The Way To China.
That's the part I'm scared of running into him when my friends and I are out. How do I deal w-that if the situation arises?
smile, be breezy, and nice, and keep walking.
Marriage2000,
For the first time in my life I'm summoning up the courage to next a guy simply cuz he's not 'good enough.' I hope you'll all be proud of me.
I'm sure he is a good enough man. Just free him for someone else. he just is not right for you and you are not what he is looking for, either.
try to just let go him, and not despise him for not being your dream lover.
try to see the good qualities in him, and not focus on only the bad, turning it over and over in your mind.
try to look for his good qualities, as much as you look at this bad qualities.
try to see his good qualities more than you see his bad qualities.
and, just free him for someone else.
pharmgal,
Lili*, I had a horrible, awful fight with bf last night. He actually yelled at me...looked like his head was going to explode. Of course, I know how to cope with this behavior...
Today I Disappeared from the Face of the Earth (he called, I didn't answer) and I bought shoes, but I don't feel bettah, not at ALL.
I hate this! Especially since I have nothing to apologize for. Have been v. depressed abt my dad, who is terminally ill, and couldn't be my usu. L&B self last nite. Apparently this is not acceptable to bf, who held me when I cried, then expected me to snap out of it and be Miss Love Thang.
After we talked for 2 hours, he yelled at me that he had wasted the entire nite feeling unhappy, had an engine that needed to be built AND IT'S NOT BEING BUILT, IS IT? Eyes & veins popping. I left.
Men really are different from us, can't imagine a gf speaking to me that way. Could this man possibly be redeemable? I ask you bc you are so good at seeing both sides.
My advice in these situations (and I have been in the same sitch), is (you mite not like it), as follows:
When a loved one is terminally ill, cry, talk, cry, talk, crytalkcrytalk, mainly with your girlfreinds, other close family members, therapists, mom. Write in your journal. Talk only a little with your bf. Keep the conversations honest but SHORT. like, "I'm so sad. My dad is getting worse. I don't want him to die.". Said softly. without hystrionics/tension.
Then don't go on and on.
At first, when I read your post, I thought, "Her bf is a jerk", but when I got to the part, "I was crying, he was holding me, We had been talking for two hours", I went "Two Hours!?".
Therein lies part of the problem. Men have a shorter capapcity to listen to greif feelings and heavy emotionalizing & crying than women. It does not mean they are bad or they are jerks. They are just wired different. It is very taxing for them to listen for very long stretches to lots of crying and emotionalizing.
If it were me, I would keep it to 30 minutes. No, I wouldn't. If it were me, I would keep it to just a few honest, real, consice sentences. "My sister is getting worse. I feel so so sad. I don't want her to die.". That's probably all I would say to my bf. Give men what they can handle.
Then they can support you better. Don't give bfs All The Medical Details, or the blow by blows of the loved ones worsening medical condition, and very much, HUGE, extreme, sobbing, and don't tell him what everyone else in the family is thinking, doing, feeling, etc., about the loved one.
Men can support you better, when you don't treat them like women.
They often will show their Real Love for you by DOING things for you. Not by acting like guys in soap operas, and being super luvy wuvy. When you are hurting, they wil start Fixing things for you (your car/your sink/your sticking doors). It looks strange to us, and we don't recognize it as love, but that is how men show LOVE.
They will fix your garage door opener. They will repair the thermostat in your oven. Take these as LOVE, as kisses and words of luvy wuvy. that is What They Are. Men do What They Are Good At, when they want to support you. They know they are not good at crying and talking about feelings (they don't know what to say, so they start to feel like they are inept, so don't put them in this position too long- it produces nothing but feelings of ineptness in them).
When you are crying about what the doctor said, and he won't hold you but instead fixes your dryer, he is saying "I Love You. I Want To Help.
I also wouldn't let everything out with a bf. That is something to save for a husband. really. Be communicative, but try to keep it short. Do your extreme sobbing, with your mom, siblings, therapist, or in your bed with your cat. Your bf can't handle it.
What To Do Now...
About your bf. Just Ignore him. It is THE ONLY thing that works with guys. Be Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet. for like 7-10 days. When you do see him again, don't have a Big Talk about how *hurt* you were by his outburst. Just be kinda cool towards him. When he apologizes, just say, "apolpogy accepted". nothing else. Less is more, with men. Then, Move On from this fight- put it behind you Yesterday. i'm serious. Don't breathe anymore life into it.
Whatever you do, don't go on and on with men (about anything). They don't like it. they are wired different.
Then, be less available to him for like 3 weeks. If you usually date 3-4 times a week, cut back to once a week. show up for dates looking good.
also, about shouting about the engine... he may have been real stressed about being late on the engine, and was supressing it to be there for you, with his stress about not getting the engine done squeezing on him. then add the stress of not knowing what words to say to comfort you right, and feeling inadequate, because you kept going on, and you kept crying (so he thought he did not succeed to comfort you) (nor is he succeeding to fix the other guy's engine on time) (double failure), then getting rejected when he felt he was being tender. it was all too much- and he lost it.
yes, he was undiplomatic. yes he lost his temper at the wrong time. he's not real good at being there, holding a crying woman, non sexually for hours, while she's talking about problems. it's not his area of expertise.
if you want a guy who's very good at it, best to look for another bf.
try not to over-react to the bugling veins, and yelling. just see it as, "oh, he's stressed". don't magnify it & focus on it.
my veins bulge, when i'm stressed, too! and when i shout. you probably look real scarey to people when you are yelling too. we all look wierd.
try not to make a big deal out of it.
uptown girl,
I would really love your thoughts about the following ... it's not about a guy, it's about my dad.
I began initiating calls and asking him for more time alone. Things got worse -- I'd cry and cry and say he didn't care -- I'd get angry. He would say he loved me but then if anything, things got more distant.
never, EVER- and I mean ever say to a man (no matter what his relationship to you) "You don't *care*". it is one of THE worst things you can say to man- any man- about anything. It is like saying to a woman, "you look fat in that dress". lol.
it is poison to his ears. it is SO majorlly insulting- SO offenisve- so heartless, cruel, and cluless. it alienates them very much.
men feel desperate, and futile, and exasperated when women say that to them. and, they get angry and depressed. and it makes them want to stop trying, with the person.
Well, I had a consultation with Sherrie a few months ago. (About various things). She said to stop calling my dad and only return every third call of his, because she felt he was being very cold. I tried that and he was much more responsive ... when I did see him, I was friendly and light and breezy instead of resentful and sad. It was great ... he seemed much happier and I was too.
grrreat! ")
I was going to continue like this ... but he recently told my mother that he thinks I don't care about him, because I don't visit his country house and because I don't return his calls. So I don't know whether to try and discuss this the next time he calls.
nooooooooo. lol. don't discuss this. instead, mmm...keep not returning all his calls, or return them slightly more. and start paying attention to that country house. HELLO? (give me the address to it, and *I* will pay attention to it. lol.).
ask if you can use the country house. (men like to be used) (it makes them *happy*). say you've been thinking you'd loove so much to get away for a quiet weekend. maybe even can you take another gf there. take some books, and a gf, and go enjoy that country house. pronto. and OFTEN. maybe even regulalry. like one wekend a month, or for vacations. take some work up there, and get away and work ther, periodically. take gfs, and have beauty routines/ at home spas weekends there, take facial masks, books, the NY Times, rent videos, mocrwavale popcorn, kick back.
he will be THRILLED and feel loved. bacause...he provided it! he earned it with his hard work and efforts, he provided material things for you to enjoy, you enjoy them, and everything is right with the universe.
he shows LOVE by getting a country house. you bask in his love by going to it and using it.
plant flowers there, if he lets you. he will feel like you are planting flowers on his his heart. men need to be needed for stuff they can provide. start needing his stuff he can provide. it makes men feel loved. like mushy words make US feel loved (which guys don't really get. they think it's odd).
take some books up there, go away for some R&R, and Use That Country House. it will also make you more prestigious to men. "oooooooh, a girl with a country house?" (a girl who is provided for) "ooooh".
My father responds very much like any guy would in terms of the rules. ie, when I'm happy and light and breezy he's much happier -- when I'm crying or acting angry or trying to have long discussions things never go well.
yes, cry and discuss with your MOM. lol. and your zillion gfs, and therapist. DON'T do it with men. it makes men feel nothing but miserable and when you do it around them They Feel Like Failures. (failing to make you happy by everything they do to make you happy).
But it seems if we never discuss anything --
Some Men Don't Like To. (news flash). they like to just Be. And they like to Do.
he's going to continue thinking I don't really care. (And vice versa).
not if you use that countryhouse. USE him.
use his Stuff. ask to USE his leaf blower, his cordless drill, his bicycle pumpthen he will stop feeling you don't care. when you ask to USE men (and their Stuff) it feels like kisses to them. like kisses do to us. They Are different Then Us.
I think both of us would like to see more of each other (because he did seem very upset that I didn't visit him in the country - but then he didn't actually come out and invite me).
do not WAIT for an invitation. invite yourself. read while he fishes. bake a cake there.
Stop By Unannounced. preferably to Show a Girlfriend *my dad's cool countryhouse*. drop in HAPPY, show it to her, with smiles, then leave breezily. smile when you leave. ;)
Also, he's a workaholic
he's showing LOVE by workaholism. (even thought it looks like the opposite). he is being workaholic to PROVIDE *things* (love) for his family to Enjoy.
go out and get the book What Men Really Want, by Herb Goldberg. it explains all this. read it like a million times.
to everyone.
in general, with men, *stop* discussing things. stop. start looking for what is *neat* and *cool* about a guy.
he can fix a window. cool. he can fix a computer SO cool! he can move your furniture. he can fix a boat. he can Buy a country house. he can make a lot of money to send his kids to college. he can drive long distances to go camping. he can catch delicious fish.
he can fix a washing machine! he can tie cool knots. he can fix you telescope. he can plant fruit trees in your garden.
and *stop*, and I mean *stop*, looking to What They Do Wrong.
it is a road to disaster. and miserable, failed relationships with men.
stop *whining* that they they do not Act Like Women. and stop raging at it.
I recently went insane, and did not follow this advice with my bf.
the consequences were terrible.
it is soo easy to go off the deep end in the wrong direction.
do not dwell on it. just get back on track. asap.
katarina,
About workaholism...I see how it's a man's expression of love/providing, but can this be taken to excess? Is there a point at which you would consider it to no longer be an act of love, but an act of neglect or even contempt?
it is not an act of neglect or contempt. tho, a woman may choose to see it that way and be personally insulted by this.
What about those examples of men who are *literally* at the office from early morning until late late at night and on the weekends, too?
they are not doing it to insult you, or to express contempt for you or to neglect you.
they have many reasons for doing it but doing it to insult you is not even one.
One of my brothers, who has his own law firm, is just like this. He is almost never home....but I KNOW that his family is the most important thing in life to him. Can you elaborate on this?
read What Men Want, by Herb Goldberg. he explains it and elaborates on it very well. he is the one who taught me everything I understand.
in general, women's relationships with men only improve by leaps & bounds if they stop reading insult into nearly *every* thing men do (and then wanting to discuss thier *insulted* feelings) (which, by the way, hugely alienates men).
if a woman wants a man who doesn't work 60-90 hours a week, she'd do best not to marry one who does.
it is just nuts to marry one and then complain & rage for her whole marriage.
I, myself, picked a man who doesn't work a looong week. because I reeeally want togetherness. I chose to have a guy with less moolah and more time for personal togetherness.
I consciously chose it after reading dr. goldberg's books (all of them).
katrina,
goldberg sez to Pull Away and get busy & happy with your own life (just like e&s say!).
it will bring out the best in your husband.
and NEVER complain, and *confront* him with you *insulted* feelings (which he won't understand).
he will just feel *attacked*. for *no reason*. lol.
Auberge,
I dunno, Lili, it sounds like what you're saying is--and this may well be true, I just find it kind of depressing--is that men make great handymen and breadwinners, but it's folly to expect them to meet a woman's emotional needs (for emotional closeness).
no, they can do that too! and they do it willingly for women who recognize the love & admiration they are expressing in myriad Man Ways (buying country houses, fixing thermostats).
it's when women are blind to it, or even YELL at men for thier kind of expressions, and express constant resentment to men, and focus on what men do badly, (mainly the unforgivable crime of not acting Like The Dream Lover of my daydream) that women don't get the afectionate, sensitive side of them.
Urk. Aargh. But what if I don't want a handyman/breadwinner? (I mean, I can fix my own toilet--just did!--and make a living for myself.) What I want is a companion/"partner in crime"/lover.
you can get a more androgynous type man or feminine energy type man.
Perhaps it's hopeless.
no, it is not. but we have to stop relating to men as "things": "I want my thing to do this this, this and this, now! my thing is not doing it!".
Angel75,
Our routine is now this: We spend every Saturday night and Sunday night together, and then one night during the week. Here's the prob: I feel sometimes like he could take me or leave me, and he sends mixed messages. For example, he'll say if it were up to him he'd spend every night with me. sweet. Then when I ask if I should bring my stuff to stay over on Sunday (as usual) he says "it's up to you". What's the deal?
be more mysterious. just quietly, femme fatal-like bring your stuff.
don't talk about bringing yo stuff.
he was irritated by the insecurity of the question.
next time, be mo mysterious. be pretty, quiet, and cool.
pack yo bag in private, quiet, cool mystery.
don't *ask* fo permission.
he was irritated by the lack o mystery in the question.
uptown girl,
You said men hate it when we say, "you don't care." That it really, really upsets men.
Why is that?
Because (drumrool here, pleaze)...beucuz...(pay close attention)... men are nothing like us. They are not wired like us.
Because it wouldn't be that devastating to me if someone said that.
that is because...(drumroll please)... You Are Not a Man.
helloh.
to men, when when you say it, it shows you are 100% blind.
also, it's like poison to their ears. it is like if you say to a woman, "you look fat in that dress" and, "have yu been putting on wieght?" and, "I want to have a menag-a-trois with you & me & your best girlfreind, cindy. what are your thoughts on the matter?" and "I was fantasizing about your freind cindy, when you & me were making love" and "why don't you do prettee things with your hair like your freind bambi does?" and "are you getting more cellulite?", all added together and rolled into one.
katarina,
Do you think there are particular things a man does/says if he loves a woman? For example, a man could fix things for you and not necessarily love you.
no. he secretly, always loves you if he fixes things fo you.
Are there unmistakable behaviors/words of men who actually love you....(as opposed to liking you or being dependent on you or using you as a filler or easing his loneliness with you or wanting an intellectual companion or feeding his ego by association with you or....well, you get the idea.
too complex. men who really love you for *real* say things like men who love you for *fake* do. it is all very twicky.
if a man says luv talk junk to you but nevah fixes your things, suspect the love is fake.
What does a man do if he really loves you? (I realize this may sound like a strange question).
he Marries you.
not joking.
Sarla,
I'd like some clarification on a bit of advice you gave before...
You said its okay to say "This isn't my thing" and leave... did you mean in the middle of the date? Is it okay to decide, in the middle of a date, that you don't want to be there and take off? See, I've been day-dreaming about doing this, so I want to know if its really what you said! :)
I was saying it to girls who were listening to terrible tings coming out o their men's mouths, on hanging out dates (non-dates). hanging around his apat. or her apt.
but, yes, you could leave no matter where you are. but don't leave angrily. you should waft off, like a cool, breezy, flower. like a flower petal blowing offa a flowa in the wind.
you leave with a pleasant face & voice. no hidden anger. you just are genuinely not interested in the topic. his topic does not offend you or *insult* you in any way. you do not leave indignantly, or with hissing and a girl-gargoyle face.
katarina,
Lili*- Do men hate the "you don't care" comment because they really do believe in their minds that they're doing a lot?
they do care. they are doing a lot. 2/3 of it the woman is disscounting .
(What if they *aren't* doing a lot and *aren't* showing much care?)
most likely he *is* showing he cares. and the woman, because she Only Looking For Expression Like Women Express Things, don't see it.
Is that just a simple case, then, of "releasing him into the wild" (as CSuzette would say) and moving on?
many men care volumes. they may not Say It In Words.
if you don't like a man, then, yes, release him back into the wild.
Lamppost,
BF is moving to another country soon for work. Do I ask his intentions?
nope. his intenshuns is to move to another country to work.
...do I just mention the relat?
nope. *men* have to mention the relationship.
...or do I ignore the whole thing?
don't ignore it. say bye.
What do I do?
if he leaves and *wants to stay in touch*, say, "sure!" then don't. at all. hee.
if he before he leaves, he sez, "I want to marry you and we will move to Izmir- what is your answer?"
then answer "yes" or "no".
a guy who moves to another country and doesn't ask you to marry him, first, doesn't want to marry you.
cry. dry yo tears. buy lotso pretty shoes to cheer yourself up. date others.
TigerLily99,
Had date 3 a week ago Sunday (10/8) it went well. He called again almost a full week later, this past Saturday night at 8:00. He left a message apologising for not calling earlier, saying all the places he had to go this week for work, that he'd been laid up with a bad back, and that he was just calling to see what I was up to. I was out of town and got the message late Sunday night.
How would you proceed with this?
do nothing. go to the Gym. take dance classes, music classes, hole up with a good book.
he isn't calling for a date. no need to ansa. ;)
He's been very casual with me thus far. Should I just let it go and see if he calls again,
yes.
or should I call him back later this week?
nope. create distance & mystery.
liongirl,
Lili - so should I next him?
if you like him don't next him!
was he telling me I'm not his dream girl, by telling me about this other girl?
he was telling you, because he likes you, about the most interesting thing that happened to him this week. he wants to share his cool & interesting experiences with you.
or is it just that he's a man and is different?
men are different. very.
if he tells you lots o these kind o things and you don't like them, and would like a bf who doesn't tell this stuff, time to switch to a different bf.
you would not believe the wierd things my bf tells me.
he is trying to *connect* to you, liongirl.
lioncub,
It really bothered me, that he said he would go for it, if she were older. Should I just blow this off like it was nothing and still continue to date him?
you have to like the REAL him. this is the real him. he thought this was a very interesting thing that happened.
he would, if she were older, go for it but darn it, she was jailbait.
she was the dreamgirl of the second. there are thousands.
they torment him, with thier inaccessability, 7 days a week.
everywhere he looks, to the left and to the right- there they are. fliking thier hair, adjusting their bikinis.
blowing him off.
it's a constant sweet agony that never ends. and scrambles his mind.
it scrambles his mind.
(key word "scramble"). lol.
How can I get back to the happy state we were in when I was more confident and CUAO?
self hypnosis. hypnotize yourself to believe you are the hottest of all hot dreamgirls in the universe.
thatz what I do.
buy lots o cute shoes, to act as natural anti depressants.
also, go to the gym already and excercise. it combats thinking about all this stuff. gives you a natural high & exuberance.
Lamppost,
Lili, When you say to tell him "bye", should I just break up with him?
no. just say "bye!" and smile when he leaves. then, ignore him totally.
also date a lot and buy a lot o cute shoes to act as natural anti depressants.
go to lot o movies, to distract your mind.
There are a few more details I can't disclose here. If you can, would you email me at lamppostrules@yahoo.com. If you can't email me, thanks for your advice on this board.
noo can do mo e-mail!
it's simple: if he loves you & wants to marry you he will ask befo he leaves. if not, he does not want to.
if you IGNORE him (happily!), he may decide he cannot live withhout you & come back & ask the question.
but you have to seriously ignore him, not have "a talk", and look HAPPY!
Choosy,
I do all that Lili* It's not working at this juncture in our relationship right now - there needs to be some major damage repair!!
creat distance & mystery. that is The Cure for everything.
you are WAY overthingking this!
I bought the cutest Ralph Loran(sp) boots, ran 6 miles, made salon appointments, etc., but Fiancee has been dissillusioned by my jealous/insecure side - I just know it!!
STOP thinking about this. That Is The Cure. I'm not joking.
don't give any of this any more thought.
I don't like feeling vulnerable to him - and he knows that too!!
do not- and I mean NoT- I mean nOt- think about any of this. it does not work.
abandon this method.
what CAN/SHOULD I say to him when we have another "talk"?
try to have few "talks". try to escape them. men & women cannot understand each other, and should not have looong talks. happiness lies in short talks. 5 minute talks. like phooey posted.
Last night he told me that our personalities where clashing and that we may not be the right people for each other, if we can't "work and talk through the problems we are having?"
just say, "uh-huh". don't act real interested.
...that hurt!! I questioned him as to whether it was "personalities or values". He said we need to talk more....communicate better.
LOL! don't even Try to have these kinds o conversations. keep them short and go "uh-huh". smile. bring him his fav sandwhich. wear a see through top around the kitchen, when you make the sandwhich.
Anya,
Your advice is very good! I was wondering -- have you always been this rulesy or did it take you time to develop?
it took me like mmmm...one million years. and lots o money.
Also, not to sound harsh but I am simply curious - do you tend to practice what you preach? Or, do you find yourself slipping sometimes too?
I practice it except when I don't. lol.
I have terrible problems right now, in fact. lol.
liongirl,
Lili - You're right it is the real him he's told me before about woman he's dated or woman that like him, that he's not intereted in. He finds this stuff interesting. However when we're together he's very attentive with his actions. So I need to decide if I'm secure enough to handle his talking about other woman.
my bf does it too.
you have to get that men don't *connect* that you shouldn't talk to girls like this. except real *slick* men. ladies' men. and those kind of men, can be, um, bad news.
beware of men who are real *cool* and are experts at what to say & not say to women. ;)
Choosy,
Lili*, when you say "ignore", how is the best way to do this...to make those feelings go away? To get out of the quagmire?
when I said "ignore", I meant ignore this question:
why am I feeling so insecure?!?!?
(it doesn't matter why. it is an endless quagmire. ignore it.)
I need to appreciate the finer points of fiancee...he fixes stuff, is affectionate, but makes stupid comments and flirts/is friendly to women. Is it a trade off?!?!?
yes. lol.
my bf does it too. on the first date, I thought I would kill him.
it does not mean anyhting. he is craaaaazy for me and wants to marry me.
choosy, men want to mate with 2/3 of the pretty girls they see (even ones they see when they are on dates with you).
bfs & fiances also LOVE you.
one true fact is not connected to the other.
there is no connection.
lol. you have to get this, choosy. you have to.
katarina,
If these men are supposedly crazy about us, then why are they focusing all their attention and comments on other women while on the date with us?
they aren't. your question is a classic example of how women ignore 2/3 of the great things men say/do on dates, and focus on one clumsy comment and focus on it & magnify it and make it the whole date.
most likely, a guy told a girl how "prettee" she was, what a pleasure it was to be with *her*, and a million other cool things.
Thank God I almost never have had this problem with men, but I hear about this torture from my girlfriends all the time. They have been wretchedly wounded over it.
well, the being "wretchedly wounded over it" part is girls part o the problem.
it is a serious problem women have. (me included).
being So easily and SO frequently personally offended & deeeeeply insulted by everything.
please try to give it up.
Choosy,
Thanks Lili*!!! I am struggling to "get" it....but, I'm having a disconnect with the "men want to mate with 2/3 of the pretty girls they see" part.
lol. I was being a liar. they want to mate with 3/3 of them.
I am having trouble getting over that little fact...I know it and can accept it intellectually, but, well it's just hard to separate them!!!
think of it like this:
Women want to own (mate with) 3 thirds of all the cute shoes in the store window.
They reeeeeally and honestly WANT THOSE SHOES. on their feet. but, they do not have all the money to buy all of them.
they also Love thier bf/finace/husband.
HOW can this be?!
HOW?!
katar,
Lili*- I can't stop thinking that it's just plain *bad manners* for a man to make comments (esp. repeated ones) about other women when he's out on a date.
yeeeees. lol.
I mean, apart from the psychology of men or anything else, isn't that just not acceptable on the basis of manners alone?
yeeeeees.
p.s. I put HUGE weight on good manners, so I'm asking the question from the standpoint of good manners being one of my highest values.
then you seeeriously have to date guys with those kinda manners. no lying.
I typically release unmannerly men back into the wild.
this is fine.
the thing to get is most men do not intend to insult wen they make these clueless remarks.
rr,
not to start a debate about the cluelessness of men...but: I have never gotten a friendly feedback from romantic prospects when I talk about how some hot dude buying coffee asked for my number and I was truly thinking of going for it.
men think this is rude. ru-ude. way. lol.
How come they aren't equally clueless when it is me being the jerkette?
They Are Not Wired Like Us.
I kinda think this is test run behavior to see how much you are going to put up with.
often it is. in the very begining.
And nothing is stationary. They turn up the "clueless" volume when you reward it. That has been my sad experience.
if you pay rapt attention to it and over-react with tears, yelling, and feeling deeply wounded & insulted , your lack of confidnece is telegraphed LOUD & CLEAR, and then they treat you worse.
Anya,
The "Getting to I Do" book says you can change your mind about sex! I am totally confused.
yes, do it like in that book. that is the best idea. she is smart.
Maybe I should have just followed my heart rather than trying to do the rules perfectly. It seems that when I try to do the rules it backfires because it is not my personality!
it does not work for me either. and, I would have never got my bf if I'd done what s&e said to.
Now, if I sleep with him he will think I am flakey -- I pretty much HAVE to stick to this. What do you think? He really is a great guy and I do trust him, actually!
it's a gamble. all sex outside o marriage is a gamble.
if guys bug you lots by commenting on other hot women, you can ask them to stop, but keep it LITE.
don't tell them, "because i'm so HURT!", "I'm SO insulted!", "I'm angry & hurt, at how rude blah, blah, blah" (learn to stop talking to men like this).
just smile, wink, ask them lightly to tone it down a bit, a girl doesn't really need to hear it on dates, or rib him, in fun, and gently remind him he's not with the guys.
be LIGHT. and confident.
be FUN & Nice. pretty, fun, nice, confident.
Silenceisprecious,
Lili, what do you do if your boyfriend of a few weeks is chronically late (10 to 30 minutes and a couple of times 45)?
first- (let's talk , girl!) 10 minutes is late? ten minutes?!
I am almost blushing to admit this. I am about to tell him that next time if he does not call me to let me know in no more than 10 minutes to just no bother to pick me up.
eegads. do NOT do that!!
what you do is you either relax & don't let it bother you (the first part is to shift your mind out of thinking this is a personal insult directed at you).
it's not.
if you don't like the first idea, then, what you do is be gone after the imaginary time limit (that you never tell him!).
like if he is 20 minutes late- be gone!
get dressed up and go to a movie! or go take a drop in salsa dance class- or go run off to the gym to pump some iron, take a spa, or take an aerobics class. go to barnes & noble and buy a great novel. go to a great cafe & read it. or...go get a maassage.
it will silently train him to be on time. the ooooonly language men understand is your *be gone-ness*.
and don't be scoldy, crabby, yak yaky, bla, blah, "how ruude can you be", "you were late! I am so HURT!", "I am so INSULTED!".
You weren't there, because you were Enjoying Your Life, when he didn't show up on time. you weren't making this into a Big Personal Insult, and focusing on it, and making it your LiFe.
You were ready on time, he didn't show, so you went and did something else fun.
this is The Answer.
this is The Cure.
I am an expert in this field. my bf is sometimes two hours late for dates.
when a guy is late, Get a LiFe. don't stay around waiting, fuming, feeling OFFENDED, and fuming.
EnjoY your LiFe. and he will enjoy you enjoying your life, and you will enjoy liFe, both.
he wiil LIKE it. it will keep him on his toes!
mmmwah!
one time, my bf was um, late for something, and so I went to Paris. instead of waiting for him to come to my apartment. not joking.
NoT joking. nOt.
it terrifeid him.
lol.
he got very romantic after that. VErY. lol.
Do The Unexpected.
they LIKE it!
(makes you different!)
it makes you different from every other girl they date who whines, and scolds, and cries, "I'm so HURT!!".
do the unexpected. they like it. it's exciting to them!
Lili* - 01:43pm Oct 18, 2000 EST (#290 of 3006)
Starry Night,
I've been having a "relationship" with a man for about 8 months, and we've never had a weekend date. We are friends & we get physical sometimes.
this sounds very koo koo to me.
How do I tell him that I feel very lost, and just want to quit?
never ever say this. he will only hear, "I'm whacko, I'm whacko, blah, blah, bla, whacko".
I don't want him to call me at work anymore, which he does often.
don't pick up.
I don't want to do the "I'm hurt" routine...
please, don't. because it never (and I mean never!) works with men. (they just hear, "I whine, I whine, blah, blah, I am wierd, blah, blah, whacko is my name".
but I want him to get the message loud & clear.
LOL! never send this message. if you send it, men will *hear* the message, "I'm whacko, I'm whacko, I'm whacko".
At the same time, I don't know if I'll take the breakup badly.
you can & will survive the breakup (we will help you!).
Do you have any advice on how to do it with style?
yeeees. lol.
okay, first, never call him, don't return his calls, and when he calls you and asks you out, decline sweetly.
dooooon't explain anything.
if, after months of this, he asks, "is something wrong?", just be sweet, and say sweetly, "mmmm...i'm moving on, I'm dating a lot, things are going great, I'm starting on a new painting/novel/whatever".
Be nice!
but end this koo koo (and I mean KoO kOo), relationship. ;)
hc,
He would really love to have me join the activity with him or come as a supportive presence.
do it one weekend a month (he'll be thrilled!). the rest o' the weekendz...mmm...hmm...(this is twicky!). I dunno...(!) lol.
maybe 1 weekend go with him, 1 weekend, make plans reagrdless of his schedule, and the other 2 weekends do as you do now.
mix it up. lol!
variety is the spice of life.
katarina,
Lili*- How should we respond to a man who asks if "something is wrong" and we *don't* want to break up with him...but something IS wrong that can't be solved by being L&B.
Should we EVER tell a man what we think is wrong if they *ask?* Or are those simply cases where we just release them back into the wild if we can't handle what the "something wrong" is.
tell them, but keep it soft and veryvery consice . say it in 1 sentence, that takes 2 seconds to say, rather than 100 sentences, and going on and on and on and on , for 1-2 hours.
MEN LOVE THIS!
and consider, before you speak, that maybe you should not even speak of it. really. 3/4 of what women think needs to be "talked about", often ruins a good relationship.
consider, before you speak, that you are *over reacting*, or *taking insult at everything* (where none is intended), or that you are just whining, or over focusing on the neagtives, and magnifying them too much.
consider, that most problems with men can best be solved, most effectively, by NoT talking about it.
whenever you Do talk about a problem, be soft, keep the message ShOrT, and to the point, and always, and I mean always assume his goodwill, and be open to the possiblity that you are misinterpreting something he has done, or you are whacko. lol.
keep, aLwAys In MiNd, this fact: Men Want To Succeed With Women.
they don't want to fail.
the waitress was hitting on my sister's date when she was taken out to dinner. The woman wouldn't go away...and even turned around and was showing off her rear-end.
don't you HATE waitresses like that? lol.
what I do is motion her. I say Oh sooo nice & polite, "it's time for you to go, now". or "please leave, now". so, I motion to her like i'm about to order some more soup.
katarina,
Lili*- I do not assume the goodwill of men. How can I change this?
therapy sessions with herb goldberg. not joking. he will cure you. he also does therapy by telephone, from anywhere. not kidding! he's the best! I can't think of anyone who can cure anyone better than him.
(he has cured me 70%) (I still have to work on that other 30%!!!).
I'm *afraid* to assume their goodwill because I don't believe all men have my best wishes (or even good wishes) at heart.
ALL men don't! this is foolish to think.
(I have some very bad experiences at the hands of men under my belt).
get those men out from under your belt!
Isn't it emotionally dangerous to assume their goodwill towards us if they haven't proved it over time?
it is emotionally dangerous to do the opposite. very!
a HaPpY personal life is worth more than money in the bank.
I had the weirdest experience today. a neighbor man who is more than half my age (!) was all over me, with goo goo eyes. asked my for my numbah, stuck to me like glue, followed me around. insane!
insane, I tell you! what is happening!?
( is it the Renova? )
I don't get it! I'm a plain girl.
WHAT is causing this?
I was even being cold to him. trying to discourage him.
it made no difference.
I am not gorgeous or built, so I don't get it!
(I don't even wear revealing clothes!).
ask him.
I don't believe in therapy for insecurity. but that's just me. to me, it's an endless quagmire.
I don't think it's therapy that cures it. but that's my thots.
I have a million reasons to be insecure, too, but thinking about all that junk, doesn't work. that's my thots.
I think it's a waste o time.
much better to eNjOy LiFe. forget all that stuff.
that's my way.
SweetPetite,
Awesome series of posts on not taking comments about other girls personally. I have realized how insecure I was... how do I overcome that image with a guy?
self hypnosis. lol. pretend, you are The Bomb! all time dreamgirl of the universe. haha. that is what I do. (and pretending is free!).
don't talk about it do we?
you can tell him to tone it down. but be light & fun.
No talks... and how do I keep myself from making sarcastic comments after he comments about other girls?
eek! stop it! haha.
Anya,
Just an update. Not much going on really. My guy went on a business trip since Tuesday. I was stressing a bit because he did not call me. Then this morning he called and we talked briefly. During the conversation he told me he missed me! (Phew). But, rulesy or not I said I miss him too. (I did not say it in a gushy way). Was this ok?
very seriously, STOP thinking about all the minutae of dating, like this. Go To The Gym Now.
Another thing I am noticing with this guy is that he has a tendency to tell me things like other women are flirting with him.
it's annoying, but don't act insecure about it. just be secure (even if you aren't).
For example, he went to his high-school reunion and he felt the need to tell me that one girl said if she was not married then she would hit on him.
say to him, "that's because you're so hot". (he will looove you forever, if you do). ;)
On the "translating guy speak" board they told me that it is just his way to prove to me he is desireable. Do you agree? I have never had boyfriends say these type of things to me. I think it may show a little insecurity on his part??
Never think about this. Go To The Gym. sculpt your thighs. then go to Barnes & Noble and buy a great novel. read it. forget thinking about this junk. it will lead- and I mean it- nowhere. abandon it. go enjoy your LiFe.
Also, I am finding that he is having a hard time asking me out as much as he may want to. I am not 100% sure but it seems like when he does ask me out for an extra date he is hesitant because he doesn't want to be too pushy with me.
STOP thinking about this stuff. Go about your LiFe, and enjoy it. let The Man worry about all this. It is The Man's job in courtship, to worry about this!!
What do you do in these situations? I want him to be sure of himself and feel comfortable enough to ask me out anytime!
Let Him Be Himself! Leave Him Be! enjoy him! stop kvetching about him!
GingerSnap,
This seems to tie in with my earlier question: in The Rules, E&S say that men want women who don't NEED them, but choose to be with them. However, in MAVOAD he says that men are attracted to women who NEED them. I'm confused.
men are attracted to women who don't need them. they are attracted to women who need them.
Also, what does he mean by being self-assured? I still cannot grasp that concept.
re-read the section on that. because what he means is written in there.
a woman with "self assurance" trusts that people want to support her, and that men want to, and that men will be there for her, and she trusts that she is in the process (always) of getting what she needs.
she is not like the "self confident" woman, who doesn't trust that men will give her what she needs, and so tries to *not need* anyone, and do everything herself.
He also says men are turned off by women with confidence but not self-assuredness?
he is making up his own definition- of the word "confidence"- he is not using the dictionary definition. he defines confidence as, a woman (it is in the book!) who feels she has to do eveything herself and rely on no men- because she doesn't trust that any would be there for her.
I thought men loved confident women?
they do!
They're always saying they want an independent woman. I don't understand. Can anyone make sense of this?
men are attracted to independent women. they are not attracted to independent women.
GoldenOldie,
I'm confused about how much we should allow a guy to do all the talking. J. Gray says that the more a guy talks about himself, the more focused on HIMSELF he becomes and forgets about who he is with;
yes, but it is not an insult or an expression of insensitivity.
Gray says the woman should do more talking. TRs say let him talk.
What do YOU think?
I agree w/grey! grey says men LOVE it when women just interrupt. and my bf LOVES it! everytime I do, his face lights up.
I personally hate The Rules thing of be quiet & let the man carry the whole convo. help a guy out! be a person! have a personality!
uptown girl,
Do you basically believe in the rules -- or do you think the rules as written are too strict?
I do not believe in the whole thing. only parts.
If I did what sherrie & ellen teach to do, I would never- and I mean never had even one date with my bf. and, we would never have become a couple.
What would you add to the book or change?
I've written volumes & volumes on this topic. but, I have no idea where the posts are. deleted, I think. I wrote for years on my thots.
it would take too long for me to re-write it.
stay tuned, it will all become apparant.
I draw just as much from john grey and even more from herb goldberg (whom I believe to be the genius of the century).
emily87,
Lili, (update)I received an email today from the bf (dated for 2.5 months) who told me 2wks ago that said he's confused/scared and he needed time/break.
mmm...hmmm...
I have not been in contact w-him at all. I did NOT and am NOT going to reply to his email.
yey! keep doing it more. ")
His email: I'm going to drop your tree (he wanted to re-pot a plant of mine, he's Mr. Domestic) off this weekend.
cool!
I've got Fri off so I'll probably do it then. Since you probably won't be home (too scared to face/see me) would it be alright to just leave it at your door? Also, I would like my beach picture back please. (an awesome picture of him and his friend on the beach, I dont want the picture anyway, also have a book of his too). Would it be too much if I asked you to mail it back ? (yep, I'm going to put all his stuff in a box outside so he can pick it up tomorrow sometime)If that's ok, my address is : xxx - thanks ! Again, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. You're a wonderful girl and I wish you all the best in life. If we ever do run into each other, at the bars or whatever, I will say hi. (yeah right, whatever-paleaseee) I'll never forget you ! Bye - xxx. (his loss)
ouchie. never talk to this guy again.
My one friend said to put his stuff in a box and be done with him, then another one of my friends is like he's such a jerk just keep the stuff for awhile. I think I would rather be done w-him. What do you all think?
put it all on the porch.
He has quite a few other issues (his divorce, a gal that he has feelings for that wants nothing to do w-him (just recently found this out)& family issues) going on in his life besides me.
none of this matters, when he finds *Her*.
I think he was hoping that having me in his life would help him get through/over some of these issues. He mentioned this to me before.
he wanted you for a comfort girl.
do not be a warm blanket for guys not into you.
When he said that he needed this break it was all him, he was having all these feelings of confusion and whatever and he said that it was nothing to do with me.
baloooooooney. you are not his type. that is okey. a different guy will find you. ")
He told me ILY after 1.5 mnths and that he'd been really falling in love w-me and was just confused and scared.
were you sleeping with him? (if you were, he wasn't confused & scared) (guys who are confused are too confused to unzip their pants) (guys who are scared, are too scared to get neked).
oops one last thing, the good news is that I have two dates w-two different guys this weekend. YEAH!
GREAT! ")
keep us posted!
emily87,
do not not not write back. ;)
ignore men who aren't into you. ;)
thank goodness you did not sleep with him. maybe the ILY was a ploy to getya in between the sheets.
when it did not work, he went looking for other warm comfort blanket girls.
better things are coming.
Silenceisprecious,
When a guy is late for a date, I go do something else. when he asks, "where were you?", I say, "I was here (on time for our date), and you didn't show up, so I went to the gym/ a dance class/ a music class/ a climbing wall/whatever".
I feel no guilt. I did nothing wrong. I had a date, I kept it. I was there on time.
What do you do if he forgets an appointment he had with you, nothing important rather something simple like you both were suppose to go shopping for something?
go do something else. then, be a little less available. make him work to see you. then, he will appreciate it. ;)
I guess I know the answer but it bothered me specially because this happened the day after he had been away for the weekend and never called. I tried to be cool about it and stayed very busy but when he didn't call the next day I was worried thinking that something happened to him but when I finally reached him and realized he was fine and he said he had forgotten I was FURIOUS.
haha. lol. welcome to the club.
He was amused by my reaction and apologized. Sorry if I am taking so much space to write this but, What could I had done better?
not done this! (see below quote)
"I was furious...but when I finally reached him"
WE DON'T TRY TO REACH Men Who Dissapoint Us.
WE DON'T TRY TO REACH Men Who Stand Us Up.
hello? HELLO?
(I don't care how worried you were he was in a car accident.)
If he is in a car accident, you will hear about it eventually.
When a Man Dissapoints You, When a man lets you down, Ignore Him.
whatever you do, don't *pursue* him. you pursued him, when he let you down.
STOP it!
I don't want to be a nuinsance...
ooooh, you are such a nusance!
but I don't want to be taken for granted either.
Then Stop Paying *Rapt* Attention To Men Who Let You Down.
(calling & calling & trying to reach him, is paying rapt attention to him. lol.)
ignore them. totally. this is called Being A Challenge.
Men LIKE a challenge.
cherub,
I dunno. try to do without it, and just get you some more *attitude* ;).
plain girls can attract men like carayzee.
if they have *attitude* & charm. ;)
Seela,
Lately, SG has been acting pretty strange - just like the Rules II describes a friend who likes you. I can't seem to get rid of him.
cool! ")
So, do I invite him since he brought it up last week? It's against the Rules to do so.
I say don't invite him. invite a dummy date guy. (call a dating or escort service- get you someone HOT) (xxx Hot). Make everyone's eyes bug out, when you show up to the halloween party with him. it will cause a heart stopping sstir. it will create much needed intrigue & mystery (" Who is he ?? where did he come from? How long has she been dating him ?").
intrigue galore.
lol.
seelah girl, DO THE UNEXPECTED. it will create a burning wildfire of gossip about you. your mystery & allure will skyrocket.
he will hear the gossip, about it. he will feel challenged to pursue you. we want to *upset* men. lol. this makes them looove us.
men like to be terrified. this increases the attraction.
Do Not Be So Afraid To Terrify. lol.
You are too safe & predictable. not joking (I have been studying you for years).
lol.
YOU need to do something dramatic. break out of your comfort zone, seelah! get more Attitude.
yes, rent a hot type for the party. it will be more than worth the money. it will create such intrigue & catapult your mystery into another universe.
But if I don't, what excuse do I use? He'll find out about the party because he knows a couple of people who work here.
don't use any excuse. if he wants to come to the party he will find a way. he will get invited. don't worry about it. he wants to be where you are. when he is, and you make your grand entrance with Mystery Hot Man (lol), it will have the desired effect.
he may even feel callenged & intrigued enough to ask you for a real Date.
trrrrrust me. ;)
Giorgigirl,
Hi Lili - I need your help quickly. I met an online guy who wants to meet for coffee. But, I have figured out that he is actually friends of some my friends I know. What a coincidence. Now, do I go?
yes! look pretty & go!
I am afraid
afraid, afraid afraid...stop being afrayed. go have fun. don't think about this stuff. ;)
Do I tell him that I know his friends or keep my mouth shut. What should I do?
yes, tell him!
lrar,
He went to Europe on business for 4 months. When he left he wanted me to come and visit a couple of times, I told him that I thought that we needed a break to think about what we really want out of life...
eek! nooo! you should have let him fly you to europe for european vacations! silly gurl!
don't ever respond to great ideas from men like this, with dreary, serious relationsip talks. eek!
(Love each other, I want Kids and he does not)
that's okey. you will meet another man who wants to have your baby. do nt worry about this. ;)
He e-mailed a lot...
... and called once or twice but I only responded occasionally.
mmm...hmmm...
Now he is back and called twice within first 24 hours home. He said he really wanted to talk to me and hopes I will call him back.
I say enjoy him & his free trips to europe, while you shop for a man who really wants your baybee...
I'm hesitating and I don't know why. I can't just pick up where we left off, but I would like to talk to him and maybe see him.
Just Enjoy Him! Enjoy his good qualities & don't focus so much on the negatives. ;)
What is my problem.
yes. what iz? tell him, i'll take the trips to europe! lol.
littlebaby,
he's not treating me like his dream girl anymore. i don't understand. i keep moving, i do the VERY things he drops the ball on, and still he's not motivated.
never call him, stop returning his calls. date other men a LOT. if he ever calls and you pick up, sweetly and breezily decline dates.
all the time. have other dates lined up. go to the gym every night. take aerobics, whirlpools, saunas, get massages. indulge in yourself.
aaaaand, i barely see him. maybe once a week. this man used to jump through hoops for me.
do as I say. I command you. ;)
I assume he's losing interest, and i don't know what else to do besides what i'm doing -- having a full life, and he asks me about it all the time--and he just is astonished at how much stuff i do.
do...as...I...say...*now*. ;)
...and he still drops the ball :( is the most effective way to get his attention to stop being exclusive?
YES.
i don't like this. i'm getting grumpy and depressed over it.
obey me now.
and this will stop.
oh. one other thing.
he wants to go to the nutcracker. it only plays three nights--unlike this musical which played for a MONTH.
he keeps mentioning it. and i finally told him sweetly: "you better get on it, honey, this thing only runs for three nights."
nooooooooooooo! Never Tell a Man What To Do. (it emasculates them).
then he says: "why don't YOU do it?"
he said it because you turned him off, telling him what to do. noo lie.
I said why would i do that? he says because i'm not employed, that i can take care of some of these things.
yawn. never call him & never return his calls, stop being exclusive, go on LOTS of dates with other men & on *every* night you don't have a date Go To The Gym. noo lie. do it. it all works.
that's not a very cherishing thing to say to a girl.
obey me *now*. ;)
or I will bite you.
rroar!
electra,
sweetly turn him down for dates. ;)
it'll work.
also buff up your bod. work your body. get your body so hot it is sizzling. as hot as you can work it to.
this works to your advantage.
become fascinated with more you centered things.
Pilara,
What to do when a new beau (2 dates last month) has been sucked into his job re election 2000 (travels muchissimo), and tho keeps promising dates thru emails, has no follow-thru? (I am buying zee shoes...) Ignore, ignore, ignore? I like zis man...tres cute...but don't know if zis will discourage him...
date others, work out at the gym, and ignore e-mails if he has your phone #. ;)
I have been reading these boards for a short time and your posts have made such a huge difference in how I see my relationship with my bf.
cool. ")
Before, I was analyzing everything, focusing on what he was doing *wrong* and forever wanting to initiate "relationship talks." He told me it was getting "tiring."
yes. lol.
I read your advice to someone and decided to try to relax and enjoy him for what he is and does do. Wow! What a difference!
wow. good! ")
focusing on the negative about men. instead of the positive. Give it up, and you will get happily married.
The other night he took me out to dinner and said: "I don't know what it is, but our relationship has been so great for the last few weeks . . . I feel more comfortable with you but also more excited."
cool.
Thanks Lili*.
my pleasure.
SweetPetite,
I have made many terrible mistakes in my last relationship. I did not walk away gracefully and swiftly...
always walk away gracefully & swiftly, if someone doesn't treat you well. fake it, if ya havta. ;)
I sent him a nasty email last week (he copped an attitude about whether or not he watned to commit to me) and I told him NOT TO CONTACT ME FOR ANY REASON BY ANY MEANS AGAIN.
eegadz. never do this. lol.
Of course, he contacted me by phone, email, and letter (he sent baked goods) the next day. I deleted the vmail and the email and I returned his baked goods in the mail.
no. return the baked goods to me. ;)
Now I'm feeling I was very uncuao and a bit harsh in that email- I made some VERY NASTY comments out of anger and hurt. I do not want to have contact with him because I will look like a crazy woman who likes him one day and hates him the next,
yes, you will.
But I feel as though I should not have acted the way I did and I should apologize.
HOW AND WHEN should I handle this situation???
call him on the phone, soon, say these magic words (music to men's ears), "I want to apologize for the way I over-reacted yesterday". followed by quickly, breezily heading out to do something. noooo long, serious talks! stop it! keep it SHORT.
should I gently and kindly make up for it by sending a brief card to apologize saying "I was stressed out when we talked and I am sorry I was so hard on you. I still need time apart but I am sorry for the way I acted." I honestly acted that way out of hurt and resentment, because he did not want to be with me (even though I know we are not right for one another) but I dont think he should know that. It is so uncuao...
the card sounds okey. take out the sentence about you need time apart. Do It- don't *say* it.
lamp,
eek. 3 & a half years? and he just goes and moves to another country and doesn't ask to marry you? (!)
ouch!
you did great, with the advice I gave you!!!!
now, force yourself to date a LOT of men, and start quickly as you can tolerate (if you don't get too depressed). don't even feel guilty, akward, and don't blink. and work out your bod, and make yourself cuteeeeeee.
he did not propose. he left the country to go live his own life.
I know some were trying so hard to get john grey's concept of *self assurance*. here is a great post I found. *this* describes it.
Some irony of doing TRs: When women "trust" that the man can "handle it" (the calling, asking, planning, working to please, etc.) and handle it ALL on their own, we subtly treat them differently. We talk differently, we're sweet and happy. We act less suspicious and bitter.
In other words we put out vibes that allow him to feel successful. He doesn't feel the need to become resistant. He actually DOES do more than imagined and quite happily, while sometimes marveling at how "out of control" he feels.
On the other hand when we do not trust, deep inside and know that with faith, that a man can handle ANY of the tasks of working for the woman, we subtly undermine him and, sho'nuf, he does a whole lot less ... while acting like he's got to be MORE "in control".
They LOVE feeling out of control while being *trusted* to take control of so much (and thus, do more), ... They HATE being out of control while feeling *expected* to do more (and thus, do less).
~ Tex ~ ...
GingerSnap,
Anyway, I have seen him several times in the lunch room since then. He does look at me and smile every time. Yesterday he talked to me briefly and when he stopped I darted out of the room (my fear of appearing too "eager" and "puppydog") and headed back to my room. I then saw him at lunch and he kept looking over at me but didn't say anything (I also look away cause I don't wanna look desperate). I left the room early, again (gotta keep that mystery going, right?) It seems like this guy is flirting cause he says cute things to me and looks at me a lot. But maybe he thinks I'm not interested?? He hasn't asked me out or anything. Maybe he tried and I walked off too soon?
he may have... try breathing more slowly & deeply. try not bolting & darting around (I do it too!).
The Rules say that if a man is REALLY interested in you, he will find a way to ask you out, no matter what.
it is 100% true.
I have trouble believing this because I never get asked out.
join some dating services. preferably not online ones. to jump start your dating life. ;)
it worked for joy-rose!
What I really hate is that guys have always told me that I'm "unapproachable" and they are "intimidated" and "in awe" of me.
maybe ask them to elaborate. so we can get some more data...lol.
What happens is that I go out and NOBODY approaches me EVER. They will just stare or else look at me then look away quickly. Guys say they are baffled that I'm still single, but THEY WON'T ASK ME OUT!!
bizarre!
Some guys say they don't even bother to approach me because they
ASSUME I'm already taken.
this is why joining a few quality dating services will work in your favor. the men who see your picture will all know that you are single! they can ask you out!
Everyone thinks that beautiful women have men beating down their door. Well, it's not true!
stwange...
If they are already intimidated and in awe, will The Rules make it even harder for them?
noooo.
take *all* rings off. never wear any rings of any kind. guys get too confused. they think, wedding ring, engagement ring, promise ring...take shiny things off you fingers. go bare, neked on your fingers to make it obvious you are not taken. ;)
lampy,
I can't post too many details about it here on the boards but you told me to see him off with a smile and that's it. I DID IT!
great! ")
I didn't initiate anything and I got treated like a queen the whole day, super special treatment. I didn't go to the airport.
great! keep us posted! ")
He left all sad.
he likes you. you are easy to be with. pretty & nice. you are self assured. you have a life.
nicky9,
Now I have an upcoming situation that I need to be prepared for. A guy I'll call "Ob" whom I haven't seen or barely had any contact with for 2 months has asked me out to dinner for next week. I accepted. We had dated for 2 months this summer, then he poofed (I had panicked and brought up "relationship" talk in a crazed moment...and he later poofed).
the "crazed momment" was most likely brought on by being sexually intimate way too prematurely. it causes terrible crazed momments.
But thanks to your advice, I dropped contact with him, didn't try to find out what happened and make a scene, and saved my dignity.
Yey! ")
Anyway, I think Ob may be wanting to get back together via this dinner...
or, he may want some easily obtainable sex...
...but I am not sure. We were previously having sex and this time I WANT TO KEEP MY PANTIES ON, at least to start. At this point, I really don't know how I feel about him so my interest in keeping him at arm's length is sincere. So how do I let him know that I don't want to jump back into that degree of physical level if the issue comes up? (which I think it will when he takes me home).
when he takes you home, you thank him for the nice date, say breezily & sweet you had fun. sweetly say "Goodnite! I had a great time!" or "goodnite! this was fun!". let him walk you to your door. let him give you a goodnite kiss in front of your door.
dooon't invite him in, and he woooon't get the wrong idea!
if he tries to inch his way into your apartment, give him flirty smile and say, "oooh...noh, that's sweet but I need my beauty sleep!".
be sweet! be feminine!
gooo inside, put on your fuzzy, pink victoria secret pjs, and reeeeelax. ;)
come post to us about zee date. ;)
SweetPetite,
Dear Lili, I followed your advice and apologized for acting out towards my EX exactly the way that you said. He didnt say anything else about it after that- just asked me to please come to his party this Saturday night and said he had prepared a letter for me that he would be mailing since I wasnt answering phone calls or emails.
sweetly say, "ohh, that's great, but I can't! I have already accepted another invitation! (for Saturday nite)".
he *must* hear this. fake it if you havta.
It is difficult to turn him down when he calls to spend time with me because I genuinely care about him and I like the way it feels to be with him when all is going well.
weee don't care if it's difficult! we do not linger where we are not madly cherished. ;)
don't stress about the lettah. don't help him or tell him what to do (about sending it or how to get it to you!). he will figure out all by himself how t get it to you.
most likely it will be a lettah that will make you pbt for hours & hours on end. bettah to just not open it! you are to busy to open it! (dates, gym, classes, etc.!).
I am really excited about this piece of advice... "Every night you dont have a date you should go to the gym."
yes. it is exciting advice. ;)
Do you have any more advice on how to stay strong...
do what strong people do, and you will become strong. think, in every situation, "what would a strong person do now?". then do it.
(do what weak people do, and you will be weak).
and turn my EX down nicely time and time again- because he will be calling, emailing, etc to try and get my attention?? Always has, always will.
just sweetly go, "oooh, gee! that sounds really fun! but I'm not free then! I was just heading out the door! it's great to hear from you! ".
lol. ovah and ovah and ovah. ;)
Thanks for diffusing the difficult tension by having me apologize but now what do I do??? HELP?
Go To The Gym. That is what you do about this. nooo lie. ;)
Go shop for some great shoes. Take your gfs, and go get thai food after. wear your new shoes to thai food...
whatevah you do, Don't Try To Understand this. any of it. blank your mind of it.
you gotta use sentences (I keep a list of escape sentences by the phone) (laminate the list).
"I gotta go! It was great hearing from you!"
"I'm just on my way out! nice to hear from you!"
train yourself to say these reflexivley , the instant the convo satrts to get weird.
phoo, if he berates you drop him. at the very least, be super less available. every time he does it!
He has also commented that i need more sleep than anyone else he knows. (!) Actually i only get 5-7 hours a night, if i'm lucky.
"Gotta go! I was just heading out. it was great to hear from you!"
I've been LOSING sleep this week being angry at him and not knowing what the hell to do.
Be Less Available. screen your calls. when giys do things that we don't like, we ignore them.
nevah pay rapt attention to his pressure techiniques or weird convos.
the "gotta go!" reflex should kick in. force yourself to get this reflex.
I gave him a very friendly short call last night saying this was on my mind, and ILY but this has got to stop. He thanked me for calling and agreed that "You don't need that right now. I've been too needy. That's fair. Okay."
oh, good. ")
BUT last time we had this talk it only lasted about a week and he was back to the high pressure again.
"gotta go! I was just heading out the door! great to hear from you!".
I'm terrified he'll start right back up again. Maybe as soon as this weekend! I just can't go through this again. I don't have the strength to prop up and reassure constantly to an insecure boyfriend.
hmm...
I graduate soon but then have to start my job search. I'm not getting any LESS busy ANYTIME SOON.
When He Does Anything You *don't* like, give him less time, less attention.
when he acts like you *do* like, give him more time & more attention.
learn to stop paying *rapt* attention to him when he is talking in a way that makes you feel bad. when you get that "uh-oh" feeling, or wierd feeling in your stomach, during a conversation,
"gotta go!".
MAKE it a reflex, if you don't have it naturally.
stop paying *rapt* attention to these convos.
Please help me. I'm considering breaking up with him over this. I'm at the breaking point where i feel like if i hear ONE MORE high-pressure speech from him, i'm going to kick him to the curb.
you shoulda never paid any *rapt* attention to any of these convos. when you do, you get more an more an more of them.
men learn quickly By Your Actions (not your words).
doooon't explain, talk about, yak yak yak, about the problemo. he starts The Problem Behavior, and you "gotta go!".
You lose rapt attention.
I'm very upset and depressed and angry. I need to know what to do.
screen his calls. give him less attention wen he does it.
He is putting VERY high pressure on me, constantly. I can't live like this.
give him less attention when he does it.
Do Not Pay *rapt* attention to it, when he starts The Problem Behavior.
phoo,
the other thing is...
if you don't want a man who acts like this, don't date one.
date a guy who doesn't act like this.
You Can't Change Him. this IS him. this is the real him (not the dream him). He is not going to change afta you marry.
if you don't LIKE to date men who act like this, you got to...Not Go Out With Them.
it will continue after marriage. This is the very real him.
dream,
I cannot advise on exs. I believe in leaving exs in the past. when somebody is an ex it's ovah.
so, I cannot advise.
I feel like listing again the things that have helped me the very very most from this board, (I've previously listed the first two).
Lili* said to say "It's really not my thing" when appropriate, and the best part of this sentence is that it's both appropriate and polite for nearly every situation or request imaginable.
Lili* said not to be afraid to take a heavy wrecking ball to your life in order to re-design it. I love this too, and am trying to get the courage to actually do it.
Lili* said to ask yourself what a strong person would do in any given situation and then to DO it...and *not* to do what a weak person would do.
mmm...ouchie. mmm.... mmm...
start to ignore him a leetle more... be a little cooler , and dress a little hotter. overdress.
get you some other men (dates) to parade in front of him. he needs to see other hot men coming to pick you up for dates, and coming & going, and you not noticing him too much. ;)
you are a babe who moves on quickly. and look purdee moving on. ;)
do not pay him much attention. flash him a quick, pretty smile, as you dash out (overdressed & mysterious) every time.
Lady V,
Lili, I need your help. I have been single for 3 years since a bad breakup. Now I am ready to date and am trying OL-D.
do non-online dating services, too. high quality ones. don't do only online dating services.
The thing is, I am a very successful woman...when men find out what I do for a living...well, they poof. They may poof longingly, but poof they do.
patience...patience...
Sometimes they say they can't believe someone who looks like me could do what I do--as if I should be frumpy.
be sure to wink or smile, a warm, mishcievious smile, when they say this.
I must be doing something terribly wrong. One man said to one of my friends, 'I can't believe Lady V is single. There must be something wrong with her that you can't see until you date her, that's the only explanation.'
it is annoying. you have to ignore dumb, clumsy things men say. forget the sentence. in fact, you can't forget it fast enough. blank it from your mind. thinking about it, leads to an endless quagmire of totally useless feelings & thoughts.
my bf said that to me, when we were first getting involved. and, he lives to figure out how to make me marry him, now.
think of it as an expression of *admiration*, of *proof* of your magic over men, as wierd as this idea sounds.
the right thing to do, when men say stupid things, is to quickly forgive them, and blank the sentence out of your mind. slick on some great lipstick, slide on your gym shoes, and Go To The Gym. After that, go to Barnes & Noble and buy a great novel, or other fascinating book (not self help!).
never think of *the sentence*. it is just an expression of Admiration, however clumsy it came out. Men are just geeky, sometimes, when they are admiring you.
... getting lunch there. I was buying my quiche, and thinking, "my g-d! he is so hot!", lol. but I ignored him.
I went to the grocery store, he was there, too. he started to follow me around. eek!
he got in the check out line behind me. checking me out. lol. I knoooow he was too young. and, I have a bf...so I ignored him. didn't even make flirty eyes.
but, things like this never used to happen to me. it is happening a *lot* more now. I mean real noticably more.
all I can think is it is the renova cream. it must be a man magnet. lol. (what the heck do they put in that stuff?!) (do they put pheromones in it?).
i'm trying to understand this new phenomena (by the way the phenomena *really* picks up your mood!). the only things I have done differently, recently (the last 6 mos.) are...
1) Renova cream
2) I figured out what my *best colors* are, and I only wear them. everyday. I am not allowed to ever put on clothes that are not my *best colors*. I am only allowed to buy my *best colors*. I get way more complements. ;)
I even buy my gym clothes & sweats in these colors, or I dye them these colors. I even get my underwear in these colors. and my towels (in case I have to wrap mysel in a towel and walk around).
I went thru my closet & pulled out Every Single Piece of Clothing that was not my *best colors* for my coloring. I sold them or gave them to charity. this was VERY hard to do- letting go of all my favorite clothes in the wrong colors, that I like to wear and was sooo attached to!
3) I invested the money in having an Aveda colorist change my hair color. Big change. and having an Aveda make up expert choose my make up colors. I never choose my own hair color or make up color anymore. I put myself in expert's hands. I surrendered. surrendering was difficult!
I get more looks on the street. in the grocery store. this was the hardest part. to give up my own ideas of what make up colors to buy and what hair color to pick.
but doing this, combined with the Renova cream (4-5 nites a week), and disciplining myself to only wear my *best colors*, has made way more young men look at me, when I'm out & about. whic is a huge mood enhancer. I never thought this would happen to me. I don't want to date younger men, but just knowing I could, if I wanted to, gives me confidence, and is kinda a fun thought. ;)
I cannot think of anything else I could have done to cause this...the working out a lot, and the walking tall, eating right, lots of fresh vegetables & fruits also mite be a factor...but I was doing that before, and younger men didn't look at me...
anyhoo, just reporting in...on this. also, I have been making an effort to pay a lot of attention to buying younger, hip, current, shoes & leather jackets. hip little boots & hip little leather jackets. young looking. this also seems to make a lot of young men (and I mean young men, look).
I think a great hair color, great cut, great make up colors, and wearing best colors, and hip little boots & leather jackets, waering Renova, at night & lots of sunscreen in the day...
I dunno...everything combined...making such efforts and sticking to them do pay off. get more attention. a fun confidence booster.
cooljewel,
Finding the right colors actually changed my life, believe it or not.
Anyway, long story short, it changed everything about the way I felt about myself when I began to get a lot of attention just by walking into a room.
Man, my esteem again went up when younger men as well as those my age started flirting with me and falling all over themselves to help me when I walked into a store or an auto shop. It was like night and day.
It was like night and day
So for anybody who is a skeptic, just give it a try, p-u-l-e-a-s-e! You could be changing your life.
I really relate to tese sentences. I never used to think anything about *finding your best colors*. I never got that it can make people act so different around you. it is so odd.
when I don't wear my super colors, I am invisible. when I wear them, people gravitate to me. they smile & open doors. young men stare. lol. people carry my packages. more guys talk to me. strangers look more. hostesses fall all over me. I get more invitations to things. more heads turn, everywhere.
i'm never going back to the other colors. not even in the interest of *variety*. if I want *variety*, I'll buy more different kinds of clothes in these colors. ;)
ruthlessly TOSS every item of cloting you don't look smashing in.
remember, you can buy *casual* clothes (comfort clothes) (sweats, t-shirts, pjs) in your super colors.
toss even your undies, pjs, and all your casual clothes that aren't in your super colors.
dixie pixie,
Lili, I am feeling a little down...frustrated with things. E&S said that you should give a relationship 7-9 mos. before asking the guy's intentions. What do you think?
for me, that is just too long for me to not know where things are going. that's just me! I say, at the 6 mos. mark, pull away a lot, and start dating others, and not answering his calls. and do Not call him! evah. ;)
I am thinking of nexting a LD guy because I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks and I don't know how to bring up this topic...or, if I should over the phone. What do you think?
be mysteriously less interested & available. start wordlessly slipping away. ;) Where IS She? WHERE is she?!
By the way, I have many ads out there, and I am trying to meet as men as possible.
I think LD is a bad idea for women who want exclusivity & marriage. it's great for women who like to date lots of men, and/or like to have tons of freedom & space. if you're not that type, I'd move on! I wouldn't waste time!
taraanne23,
Thanks for the advice on NeighborGuy. I do make a point to ALWAYS be dressed well, and ALWAYS have my hair and makeup perfect, even when I do the laundry at midnight! (That was the last time I saw him! EEEEK!)
wowee! this is awesome. ")
I think I'm just getting impatient over him, because I'm getting the flirty vibe, but no action from him!
he is just plain insane. ;) men, men & other men, is my prescription. lol.
men, going up & down the hallway, to your apartment, men gliding up & down the elevator, with flowas for you, men adjusting thier suits, their socks, slicking their hair.
men, men, everywhere he looks.
lol. escorting you here, escorting you there, slicking their hair...
dixy!
What should I do? Should I bring exclusivity up? Thanks!!
nonon! the man has to bring up the topic. stay off the topic. date a lot.
littlebaby,
lili,
wah. :( boyfriend is negative. waaay negative. he spurts out blah thingies. but he's nice in action.
very confusing.
mmm...
the other day, i reached around him in the kitchen, on his tum. (i love his tum, he knows this) and squeezed. it's never bothered him before, for eight months it's never bothered him. he turned on me, in anger. (?) it startled me. he: "don't touch me there! i hate it when you touch my stomach!"
try not to over react to his undiplomatic way of telling you he doesn't like to be touched that way there.
we want men to respect how/where/when we like to be touched, and to be real sensitve to only touching us where/wen/how we like. men try hard to please us by doing things our way (even tho they mite like to touch us different ways/different places etc.). so, return it to men.
try not to be *too* hurt by his mini outburst. he apparantly does not like to be touched & squeezed on his stomach. he, for *eight months* has allowed you to touch him in a way that doesn't feel good to him, because it gives you pleasure.
he's supressed his feelings, to give you pleasure. but, it really is not a kind of touching he likes. he is now letting you know.
try to just take it as a communication. look to the content , not the tone of the communication. don't be so easily wounded...
you're hurt because, partly you fear he does not like your touch. not true. he does. he really, really does. but not on his stomach.
he might be worried he's getting fat, and feel vulnerable when you squeeze his stomach. if he is 45, he could be in, or appraoching mid-life crisis, and fears of aging, getting out of shape, looking like is father, etc.. when guys growl, they are feeling vulnerable and stressed about something.
I was taken aback and just looked at him. said i was sorry. he fumed. (?)
this is *him*. don't expect him to change. he is being *him*. if you want to marry him, you have to accept the real him. take it in stride. wiegh the good & bad. decide if you can live with it.
I went to the couch and started reading to ignore him (we were at his place).
good.
then a few days ago, in the car, he said he wanted to see me every day this week. (i laughed). then i reached over, tenderly, and touched his ear. (he loves it when i touch his ear). i said sweetly, "have you missed me?" (he was out of town this past week).
he exploded. (?) just went ballistic.
in TR, we are told not to ask these questions. Goldberg also explains why men don't like these questions. older men (40+), will be more bothered by questions like these.
when i looked confused, he said "you SHOULD have just said YES i can see you every day this week!"
he is very ill tempered. agressive in his communications. again, wiegh the good & the bad, decide if you can live with it or not. don't expect him to change after marriage. he won't. he is being himself. you don't have to like it. but, if you very much want a man who doesn't growl & outburst at you, must date one. date someone different. many, many men don't act like your bf.
but, don't expect him to change, just because you like him.
I just looked at him and said tiredly: "oh. i didn't have the script that you wrote for me."
mmm...
then he took me shopping yesterday. he saw all this cute stuff, bringing a bunch of cutie outfits to the girls to give to me to try on. well, it took a little while bc all the sizes didn't fit, and he exploded.
out there in the store, barked: "come ON littlebaby! i've had enough! i'm not waiting any longer GET OUT HERE!"
again, if you don't like it, it is best to find a new bf. this IS how your bf talks & acts. he is being himself. you have to decide if you can live with it or not.
I'm really sad. he's never been married (he's 45) and he's been talking about kids and marriage and all kinds of stuff and i have the feeling he's never liked a girl like he likes me but what is all this sabotage?
he is stressed. he is a man straight out of the pages of herb goldberg's books. he is 45. he is not going to change and become a pussycat after marriage.
I stay away from him, i barely see him. he's getting angrier and angrier. i can only be so nice before i'm a doormat. and when i snap back or chill him out with a steely look or just go away, still nothing.
nothing's working anymore.
you cannot change him. decide, a la, patricia allen, if you can live with his anger or not.
when you love a man, you have to love the real man .
do i just need to go away completely for him to "get it"--?
because i will if i have to.
you could break up with him, and tell him why. then, the problem is his.
he may go to anger mangement class or group or counseling, on his own. or not.
it's real important to understand that just because we are attracted to a man, doesn't mean, that they have to act like men in our fantasies act.
love the *real him*, or decide that the real him is not what you want, brake up, and get a new guy.
there are some women who take this kind of grouchiness & growliness in stride. look at really old couples. old ladies with growler hubs. ;)
they know the man looves them deeply & desperately, they know he's a growler, and it just rolls off them. they have weighed his good qualities and his bad, and they have decided they want him. they don't take any of the growling personally.
my grandmother & grandfather were like this. he was a growler. she just let it roll off. she didn't take it personally. she looked to the content of what he was saying- not the tone of the communication. she responded, gently, to the content of what he was saying, and she answered him in a normal, talking voice (rather than tears & moods).
watch old women with old men. thousands of them to watch. they often have real strong marriages. but the women have decided not to take it personally, to let it roll off, and to look to the content - the info in the growl. they answer in a normal talking voice (not with tears & moods), which really calms the guy.
later, he cooks her her favorite dish, plants her her favorite flowers, rubs her feet, calls her pet names, cleans the kitchen, and fixes her broken favorite things. he plans for her to have money forever, if he dies first, he takes care of her every need. he plans his life around her & protects her fiercely.
they have, like a way, they work together. as a unit. they are loving units.
but decide, if this is for you or not.
my grandfather was a growler. but my grandmother knew he loved her more than life itself. he would have walked on water for her. and did.
being yelled at, in the store, in public would reeeeeeaally bother me. I would have broke up after the store yelling thing.
baby,
in goldberg's book, he goes over all these agressive male behaviors of older men (40+), and has sections on What To Do, for the woman.
the problem behaviors/defenses are presented and each has 3 sections.
like:
"what his x looks like"
"the effect his x will have on you"
"How to relate to his x".
I find it real, real helpful, for dealing with older men/ mid-life crisis men.
verrrrry. ;)
it is so much effort to have dreamgirl, hair, nails & feet! arr!
but it's true. men are crayzee for it. absolutely crazeee!
I do not get manicures & pedicures every week. I cannot sit still that long. ")
i'm learning to pedicure my own feetsies. which have become very dreamgirl. at least, I can watch tv while I do it at home!
katarina,
Lili*- I am really in awe of you. Your analysis of littlebaby's situation in post 811 was just outstanding.
it is not from my own thinking. it is me, after herbie. it is my own thinking, now that herbie has done various things to my mind. lol.
Personally, I could never be with a growler man...too wounding to me, personally...BUT I really do get what you're saying about growler men and the dynamics there. I kind of wish I *could* be with one because they usually have a very masculine edge which I love and they *are* usually "very fiercely protective" as you noted.
I know! I know! and they are *not* for the overly sensitive wooman!
a woman who reacts in a soft, kinda matter of fact way, and isn't devastated by growling, will do fine with a man who growls.
one of the neato things about men, is they hardly ever spend this much time & energy focusing on what women did not perfectly.
katareenah,
before herb altered my mind (lol), I used to do things like, um, (eek!), spend hours and hours writing long, deetailed, ten page letters to my bfs, telling them everything they did wrong on dates. or wrong that week.
and I used to make charts. lol. and tape them on the walls. of everything he did wrong. I had columns & boxes called:
What You Did Wrong
and
What You Should Have Done Instead
I taped them all over the house. lol.
I spent hours in therapy crying about what men did wrong.
noooooo lie. lol!
oh! if I had that money back to buy italian shoes! LOL!
northerngirl,
You obsessed about what they did wrong...maybe now you are obsessing about what they do right...you have gone from one end of the pendulum (sp) to the other...hopefully you will find middle ground! :o)
this is the middle ground. accept the real man. this is the message. and, if you want to get happily married, and have a happy marriage, do focus on what men do right, a lot more.
make a list of what they did right each day (or a chart) (lol!) (use double sided tape), and what they did wrong each day (remember to underline), and try to make the columns of what they did right that day, longer, than the other column.
if you want to be happily married.
hockeychick,
intwesting...I think of you everytime my bf arrives wearing something geeky.
some of his clothes make me nuts! makemenutsmakemenuts! I try to ignore them. I comfort myself with this thot, "other women will not look at him, when he is wearing that". this is a very comforting thot.
he has this one suit that Makes Me Nuts. I am tempted to describe it.
I can see him, picture him in my mind wearing all the great things I'd dress him in (if only I could) and he looks sooo great. lol.
it's ok. this is not important. if I dressed him the way I'd like to, women would throw themselves at him. no, we cannot have that. lol.
cherubtoo,
I'd be so interested to know which bits of TR you think are essential and the bits you find unhelpful now? Are you able to share that with the gathering hoards?
the parts that are unelpful now are the parts about never communicating, and thwarting communication all the time. you cannot build an intimate relationship without talking & being vulnerable, sometimes. you also have to be real.
the rules thing of be light & breezy ALL the time, and never talk about any problems is just idiotic. also the rules thing of never answer a personal question, when conflicts come up, and instead be evasive will not get you married.
real couples have conflicts. they cannot build intimacy without talking about them.
real couples fite.
Aquamarine,
But today I am not grateful. I am grumpy because my boyfriend doesn't take me out to fancy restaurants, or buy me jewelry or flowers or any of the other perks I received from other boyfriends.
This is Him. Accept him As He Is or reject him, but don't complain about him.
Is there any way I could at least get flowers (they only cost $10 a dozen)? Maybe gush over the roses at the flower stand? Or is that waaaay tooo obvious?
if he does it, then you will feel resentful that he didn't think of it all himself.
Don't Try To Change Men.
Financially I am probably in better...
BUT I WANT IT ALL!!!! I want an attentive, loving guy who has money. :)
Then, you must end it with this bf and get out and date only money makers.
However, I will try to be grateful and accept him for who he is. Here is a list of the wonderful things he did for me this week:
Introduced me to his family. Took me out to dinner with them.
Took me out to dinner the following day.
Told me I was beautiful.
Told me I looked great.
Calls me every day, sometimes 2x a day.
Booked a date a week in advance.
Gave me a ticket to an event I wanted to see.
Invited me to the movies for next weekend.
Gave me advice on something I wanted to buy.
he's a Great Guy.
I wish I didn't have this attitude about his financial state, but I do.
Lili, this is probably affecting me because it reminds me of how my father was with money. Although my father made money, he was very frugal in the way he spent it, whereas my mother was the generous one (because it was his money :)
Frugality was considered (in your father's time), a sterling & solid, great character trait. his frugality was a way of loving you. his fruality protected you. his frugality provided for you. he wasn't a fool, throwing is money willy nilly to the wind. he wasn't a fool who was undisciplined with his money. he had discipline over money & he could save. saving money, in a savings account was, in your father's day, considered a Very Fine character trait. Real Men save money. So their families can have security , in case something happens. it is part of Being A Man. Protecting the family. It takes strength to save money & not squander it.
I just didn't want to repeat this pattern in my own life, and GUESS WHAT. I did. :(
I think you're seeing it all wrong. but that's just me. ;)
Money does not make people happy. It is not what happy marriages are made of. If it did, rich people would never divorce or kill themselves.
lampost,
it is very important. a man who is crazy about you, wants to show you off to all of his freinds!
cherubtoo,
My beautician asked me to post a question to you !
lol.
She came to this country six weeks after her boyfriend (followed him over here) and they have been living together for six months over here.
mmm...
They are clearly an established couple and he sounds really keen on her... says things like coming home to her, when she's in a good mood, just lights up his life, etc. He suppports her over here.
wow!
A month ago he accepted a job in another European country, for approx 6 months, and is going there this weekend.
not a problem...
She was upset to be left on her own here. He asked her to marry him. She said "Why now?".
uh-oh. lol. why didn't she just sparkle and smile, throw her arms around him and say "yes!"? This is her mistake. acting suspicious & resentful (she's the one who who said "yes" to living with him, when she wanted really to be married! she could have sweetly declined living together, and he would have eventually proposed).
He said "because it would make it easier to get you a visa for ....".
men are practical. don't feel insulted by the way they are wired up. this is another mistake she made. (but she shouldn't have asked the question!!!!) (lol).
She said " I'm worth more than that etc".
men hear this as, "I am wacko. I'm resentful, and I'm making a wierd scene now. I'm not confident. I have a chip on my shoulder. I am whacko-whack-oe".
men don't hear these declarations of "self esteem" as expressions of self esteem. they hear them as expressions of lack of.
women who are confident in their worth don't make announcements like this.
they just have an inner calm, and happiness and quickly (and gracefully) leave any situation that is not emotionally fulfilling to them. they do it without resentment. because there is nothing to resent. because they don't overgive of themselves and because they are calm and confident that all of their needs will be fulfilled by other men very soon, and it will never be a struggle for them. she is warm & calm, knowing that men want to fulfill her and that she will not have problems with men. she knows they will nurture her, gladly. and provide for her and support her. so, there is nothing to be resentful about.
She does think some of the romance has gone out of their relationship.
mmm...hmm...
Although he has told her that he feels physically sick at the prospect of leaving her for that time and plans to fly and see her once a month and fly her out to him, too.
well, I think the problem is on *her* side! she has a *very* loving man. and he wants to *marry* her. she is the one seeing him as unloving & uncomitted. she must get her dials readjusted. ;)
She now plans to find a flatshare rather than staying in their flat ...too expensive. She plans to go to the gymn, make new friends and broaaden out her life. She is a lively attractive girl.
well, this is plain silly. she should have thrown her arms around him & shrieked "yes!", when he asked her to marry him! she is now going to throw away a loving man for what?
Lilli*, what would your advice be to her in terms of her approach to him?
she should first get in a time machine (these are available on every street corner). and then go back in time to right before he proposed to her. shriek "yes!" throw her arms around him, be happee, and live happily ever after.
instead of suspicious and resentful and insulted by the proposal.
it is her problem. She is the sort to be rulesy if she new about them... the book may just make her more resentful and obsessed with being insulted by his expressions of real love. she mite get obsessive about him not acting like a fantasy man, and read everything he does as Unromantic and proof that she is not being cherished, and as proof that he needs to be manipulated more to express his love in a narrow way that only women define as love.
Is he being plain inconsiderate?
where? when? she is the light of his life and he has told her. he has also asked her to marry him. he also supports her. this a HUGE expression of his deep & real love for her.
She is thousands of miles away from her original home and family and gave up uni. to follow him over here.
but, *she* chose to. she can go back.
(Big Mistake I know!).
Or is he doing what a man's gotta do??
he is doing nothing wrong anywhere. he loves her for real, and deeply & genuinely. he bends over backwards for her. he gives generously to her. he has done nothing unloving anywhere.
the problemo is on her side.
She is looking forward to your words of wisdom! HOpe that's ok.
okay. but that will be 5 cents. mail it to me at Lili@lovemakesyoucrazee.com
lol. ;)
okey. excersize for the day:
my bf (pout) does not love me. he never wraps his presents to me. (pout) he just hands them to me with the price stickers still on.
my bf does not love me. (pout) he comes late for every date. (pout) he stares at women's boobies. (pout). he does not love me. if he loved me he would not see any boobies but mine. (pout)
my bf does not love me. he gives me dorky presents. (pout) he does not wrap them. or he wraps them with used wrapping paper. and used tape. that does not stick. (pout). the noive. (pout). and no bow! he comes late, with unwrapped presents, with stickers on them and he sticks his eyes on other girl's boobies.
lol.
okay. OKAY. lol.
my bf loves me. he dresses in his best dorkiest clothes to take me on dates. he asks me on a million more dates than I will go on. he calls me all the time. he brings me mountains of presents. he cooks for me. he begs to run my errands with me and help me do all my stuff. for the pleasure of being in my presence. lol.
my bf loves me. he won't stop talking about our future. he won't stop making goo goo eyes at my boobies. and everyone's boobies. lol. he tells me my horrible cooking is delicious. my bf loves me.
lol.
AnnMargarock,
Lili*- p.s. How did you GET so smart?!?! lol.
trial & error. observation. getting older. reading & talking to people smarter than me. spending money on it.
I am actually dumb. I am screaming at my bf like a monstergirl. and he wants to marry me.
I have apparantly gone temporarily insane.
Do as I say- not as I do. :o
(or I will bite all of you)
liongirl,
Lili - I have a question, do you ever accept last minute dates from your bf?
yes. not only that, but I LIKE them. lol.
Mine still has a habit of doing this, even though I turn him down (nicely). He will ask for dates in advance too, but I notice he is last minute about alot of things.
does not mean he does not love yoo. ;)
lrar,
Lili- I was wondering...... I'm all for seeing the good in a man and what he does right.
mmm...")
My question is E&S say that if a man does not buy you romantic (not expensive) gift for your birthday or Christmas then he does not see you in a romantic way and you should move on. How do you feel about this?
how... do... I... *feel*... about this...? mmm...
LOL!!
this is how I *feel* about this. lol. ")
my bf forgot my birthday. totally.
do I care?
nope.
I do not.
he forgot my birthday because he was pbt-ing about my behaviors. and, he was plotting how to win me, and figure out how to make me want to marry him. he was pre-occupied with all this.
am I hopping mad that I did not get a present with wrapping & a bow?
lol.
nooooooo.
lol.
liongurl,
I see no harm in mixing it up. advance notice dates and spontaneous, short notice dates. I see no harm in it!
I think their advice is definitely getting more strict. each year or minute.
they gave me some very extreme advice re my bf, and had I followed it, I would not have this nice bf.
I accept last minoot dates, only from bfs I've been on a number of formal dates with. I do mix it up.
I believe (now!) in *mixing it up*. there is value in the unpredictability of it all. men *like* unpredictability. ;)
I am thinking I like *not* being evasive more (much more!) than being evasive. but *only* if you are not going to go on and on. lol.
I am a fan of one word & one sentence answers. and keeping answers soft & light. even playful.
probably the only advice of sherri & ellen's that I followed when dating my bf is
don't call him
don't chase him
don't pay for dates (or offer!)
don't buy him presents
don't write him love letters (ditto cards!)
dress fem fem
the man travels to see the woman
I don't know if I took any other advice. I don't think it's nesesary to take all of the advice.
I also am hugely influenced by herb goldberg & john gray. I combine it all, into a mixture.
I am real influenced by girls in romantic comedy movies from the 1930s-1950s. wherein lies a tremendous lot of magic & tips for women.
Katarina,
Great Lili* phrases
"It's really not my thing."
(say this when your steady bf suggests a menage-a-trois with him, you, and your best girlfreind. lol.) (it's a much better response than crying & screamiing, slamming doors, and shrieking about it for years. lol.) (remembah, he is merely sharing his interesting toughts with you).
"float away sweetly and distractedly"
(I do it on my bf a lot. when he is a putz)
"men are not wired like we are"
(tell yourself this, when he is staring at the waitresses boobies, while proposing to you. lol)
"don't pay rapt attention" (to inappropriate topics, etc.)
(I fail at his one a lot. i'm still trying to improve!)
There are *many* more. I mention these because what's happening is that I can say just a few words to myself like "just float away" and ALL of Lili*'s advice along those lines of floating away just washes over me in a split second. The two or three words contain the whole gestalt. Is anyone else having that happen?
me. lol. yes, I do it to myself. and it happens.
Why are men such a tease? And why does he think I will want him back? Am I giving him those signals? Or is he just trying to get me to be nice to him in the hopes that someday he will "change his mind about me and propose." I would never say yes. I might take a date with him if he came back with a ring but I cant imagine agreeing to marry him after all of our problems... insane.
whatevah you do, do not try to ansa these questions in your mind. lol. the best advice I have is to try to blank it from your mind. everytime the thots start.
go to salsa aerobix, kick box aerobix, or aerobix for the insane. but, get more oxygen, to the brain molecules. it will help cure this. ;)
sinceregirl,
He just emailed me,(didn't call me since the date) talked about his career and what he's doing work wise etc...and then ended the email "I would really like to kiss you again...could I"?
How do I respond?
Thanks!
don't e-mail back. then he will call. (this will train him not to be a chicken).
if he asks you the same question on the phone, answer something flirty. ;)
(you could say a flirty "maybe") lol.
I found this page of notes, from my dating diary. when I feel lost (and am acting like a monstergirl) I re-read it & get back on track.
Never Call him
Work out regularly & fabulous Nutrition
Keep the calls HAPPY & FLIRTY and femmy- only 30 minutes!
NEVER ask him how he feels/where this is going
Never tell him what to do.
never help him or try to solve his problems.
never go on and on about Anything whatsoever.
never be negative about anything/anyone.
be pretty/ get enough sleep/eat well/buy new clothes & perfumes.
be mysterious.
Aquamarine,
Hi Lili.
Excellent list re: post #1112. I do all those things, and I really am very mysterious. :)
It is so much fun to know all about him, and to have him always guessing about me.
Men loove it. they are so funny.
However, do you feel it gets harder to be mysterious as you go along?
Yes!!
Are there any tips for continuing to be mysterious that you would recommend?
after coffee, I will cogitate on it.
Pilara,
Lili*--Thanks for that list! It came at just the right time. I was having a great few weeks with my bf but have been starting to itch for "how do you feel/where is this going?" talks.
doooon't do it! :o
How do you cope with not having serious, relationship talks?
I don't do it!! It's much easier when you have a bf who initiates relationship talks all the time. like mine does.
I find it *very* difficult to have a bf who doesn't. it's *very* un-fuhn.
I used to thrive on them but they never work as well when I initiate.
They never work when girls initiate them. ever. men hate it.
My boyfriend seems so content to just "be" and I love to talk! talk! talk!
talktalktalk about relationships is what *girlfreinds* are for!!!!
katarina,
Lili*- I love #8 on your list the best: "never go on and on about Anything whatsoever."
it's very good to stop this!
It's truly awful.
yes. and men doooooon't like it!
I wrote #8 on big hot pink paper and put it around my place.
I fall into it sometimes. I'm thinking of putting a laminated sign next to my phone with #12 on it!
being negative (complaining, complaining) totally turns men off. stop it!
as for keeping your mystery Stop Answering His Questons With (Long) Detailed Factual Answers.
I mean it! (it's part of going on and on ).
When Men Ask You Questions they don't really want detailed factual answers.
they might leave you for another girl who has the sense to not answer with (long) detailed, factual answers.
she is more mysterious, more fun, more femmy. more enticing. Easy To Be With. fresh. refreshing. warm & delicious.
Like when your boyfriend asks you, "what did you do today?", Don't answer, by listing everything - every boring thing you did. stop it!
Don't say, "well a client I waited for hours for stood me up. I am so annoyed, yakyakayak. The sink at home is leaking, and I called the plumber. I can't believe how much it's costing. One thing after another keeps breaking. My sister called. she's having a hard time with her husband. so, They are going to start therapy. I am so beat. she called me and we talked a long time about her feelings. I have to rush home for dinner. I don't know where I will get the energy, blah, blah, blah, blah."
stop it! stop it!
say, "oh, great! I had a great day! I'm going to the gym, and then going to swing out for some thai take out!"
edit. leave out the parts about the client standing you up, your negative feelings (on & on) about it, the sink problems, your sister & her husband's problems, how tired you are, yak yakyakyak!
edit. edit. editeditedit.
edit now.
or make up fem fem things you did (that you did not really do, but which mesmerize men ). lol.
this is what they like. ;)
they like to be *mesmerized* by you. factual answers are not mesmerizing. noooo they are not! ;)
edit. tell them the femmy parts of your day, and edit out the rest!
(tell them you took a long bubble bath, while you listened to jazz) (tell them you are learning a new thai recipe, and are wearing yur new bra you bought today with your girlfreinds who also went bra shopping with you).
say something truly interesting. ;)
tell them you bought a new bra with little hearts on it. your girfreinds bought these really cute ones, that were pink lace, and then you all went out for Thai food, and had so much fun!
(even if you spent the day waiting for the plumber & fighting with your mother).
tell them something fem fem & mesmerizing. men do not ask questions to get the correct answer.
they really don't. they will be *much* happier if you give them girly-poo answers. happy answers.
practice the art of fem fem illusion. ;)
to Keep Your Mystery, don't ever answer the phone when you are tired, irritable or hungry. you will more likely to go on & on , then.
if you're cranky, take a hot bath, listen to some music & get some fabulous take out. then , and only then answer the phone. ;)
being negative (complaining, complaining) totally turns men off. stop it!
as for keeping your mystery Stop Answering His Questons With (Long) Detailed Factual Answers.
I mean it! (it's part of going on and on ).
When Men Ask You Questions they don't really want detailed factual answers.
they might leave you for another girl who has the sense to not answer with (long) detailed, factual answers.
she is more mysterious, more fun, more femmy. more enticing. Easy To Be With. fresh. refreshing. warm & delicious.
Like when your boyfriend asks you, "what did you do today?", Don't answer, by listing everything - every boring thing you did. stop it!
Don't say, "well a client I waited for hours for stood me up. I am so annoyed, yakyakayak. The sink at home is leaking, and I called the plumber. I can't believe how much it's costing. One thing after another keeps breaking. My sister called. she's having a hard time with her husband. so, They are going to start therapy. I am so beat. she called me and we talked a long time about her feelings. I have to rush home for dinner. I don't know where I will get the energy, blah, blah, blah, blah."
stop it! stop it!
say, "oh, great! I had a great day! I'm going to the gym, and then going to swing out for some thai take out!"
edit. leave out the parts about the client standing you up, your negative feelings (on & on) about it, the sink problems, your sister & her husband's problems, how tired you are, yak yakyakyak!
edit. edit. editeditedit.
edit now.
or make up fem fem things you did (that you did not really do, but which mesmerize men ). lol.
this is what they like. ;)
they like to be *mesmerized* by you. factual answers are not mesmerizing. noooo they are not! ;)
edit. tell them the femmy parts of your day, and edit out the rest!
(tell them you took a long bubble bath, while you listened to jazz) (tell them you are learning a new thai recipe, and are wearing yur new bra you bought today with your girlfreinds who also went bra shopping with you).
say something truly interesting. ;)
lampy,
nonon! do not! do not!
do not tell - instead show.
by sweetly turning him down for dates, screening your calls with your answering machine and never picking up his calls after 7 p.m., to be mysterious , and always out, to make him wonder about you.
dress extra better, get highlights, always wear perfume & eye shadow, be sweet , be light & happy, be hard to reach and hard to get at home. never be home!
WHERE IS SHE?!
start being mysterious . not home at night. ;) even if you are home at night. breezy, breezy.
he is moving to another country.
YOU are slipping, sweetly, mysteriously away...
(you are not pursuing him & you are not falling apart) ;)
workinprogress,
Lili, I'm wondering about your thoughts on duty dating.
I am in favor of it!
I've been out of the dating pool a long time after being dumped by Heartbreaker.
get back in! put your plastic giraffe around your waist & hold your nose, and jump in!
I've been feeling ready to date for a long time but haven't met anyone who has asked me. I live in a small town so there are no dating services or personal ads.
MoVe! right now! start making see-reious plans to re-locate. you are not getting any younger! move to where the men are and LiVe a little! ;)
Meanwhile, there is a guy who gave me some Halloween candy.
heeee's a keeper! ;)
Today, he followed me just to say Hi.
did he pull your pigtails? (if he did, he likes you!).
Later, as he was leaving, he kept drawing out his departure. I definitely had the feeling he wanted to talk to me again.
he is whacko for you! he worships you already !
I was pretty busy but I looked over at him, smiled and said good-bye. He came over and asked me what I was doing this week-end. I said, "Oh, this and that," and smiled. He looked a bit annoyed, then said, "Oh, me too."
Be More Flirtee!
If he asks me out, should I go?
yes! you need to start amassing love slaves galore! ;)
Besides the fact that I think we have different goals and life-paths, I think he is significantly younger than I am.
oooh, younger than you are?
oo-la-lah! grab him! ;) (this will be very good for your image!) (your image is all important!)
(are you going to be a LoVe godess in this life or the next life?) (why put off til the next life, what you can do today?).
lol.
Part of me thinks "why not?" and another part of me thinks I shouldn't lead him on.
will you LiVe a little already?? (!!) you are being too serious, and overthinking all of this. instead of reveling in your fem fem power. you have cast a magic spell on this poor man! EnJoy iT! (you might get more candee!). ")
sinceregirl,
when your future husband tippy toes into your life, he will be mesmerized by you. you will make a strong first impression on him as a Major LoVe Godess- with love slaves all around you. poor, helpless men who worship you, wining & dining you, and falling all over themselves around you. to the left, to the right, men, men, everywhere!
younger men. cute men. men completely smiten on you.
his first impression of you must be Major Femmy God-ess. admired and courted by all.
(didn't you learn anything from joy-rose's posts!?).
when he walks into your LiFe, you must not be sensibly sitting at your desk, seriously disecting why you can't go out with this one, and you can't go out with that one...
never going on dates...counting paper clips
lampie,
if I were you, *I'd* take a trip now. if there's *any* way you can get away, go to CLub Med, or London, or Paris, or Cancun. Go to Thailand with a girlfriend. or go to Hong Kong for a week. Do Something Truly different.
at the very least, go away for the weekend! Out Of Town. ;)
unreachable. to a mysterious destination. take a mountain of good books, and great cds, and go to a mountain cabin.
lol.
when he moves away- YOU do the same! ;)
the world is your oyster. ;)
Newshoes,
In order to stop thinking/talking/etc....about Bigguy, I have today, cleaned my bike, walked me and my puppy in town, got coffee, manicure/peticure, polished all my leather belts, washed the car, vacummed the fireplace (yikes), and now, I am putting my child's chemistry flash cards in alphabetical order, with little hole punched in the top, and putting on a binder ring.
lol. I LOVE this! ;)
...and now, lookin for y'all to tell me that he is NOT available. He needs 'time' to heal from his separation.
noooo he doesn't! (what's her name?). lol. her name is Uma. he just met her at the gym.
NewShoes, do not give him the time of day. Be Nowhere On The Planet To Be Found. Put your answering machine on, and leave it on 24/7. screen ALL your calls, and *never* pick his up.
go to the gym every night that you don't have a date. splurge on a peersonal trainer. splurge on massages.
all of this will alter yur brain chemistry & make you happier.
Ummmmm, ok, so why was he all hot and bothered and attentive...
blah, blah, We Don't Care. We have a gym bag to get, tights & Reeboks to cram into our bag, cucumber lotion, Aveda shampoo, walkman and hot cds, of hot, upbeat Girl Music, to throw into the bag. We have a TaeBo class/salsa class/hip hop aerobix class/aerobix for the LoveLorn class/or a climbing wall (men galore!) (oo-la-lah) to scale.
WE DON'T CARE.
...til (ding) a bell
(named Uma) (lol)
...must have gone off in his head. He 'misses me' he 'loves me' but there is a cool wind blowin...I feel it.
you blow a cool wind on him named Paulo Uma-Rico. ;)
Or am I toooooo hard on him.?!
You must not allow this! Go To The Gym!
LA GIRL,
Lili, one quick question: you wrote that you accept last minute dates after formal ones...how many would you consider appropriate, 3, 4 before it's okay to accept a last minute one? Thanks!
this is a fascinating topic, but try hard not to be drawn into it. get your Reeboks and go to The Gym. or get your dancing shoes, and go burn up the floor somewhere. if you can't dance, sign up for Dancing For Klutzes Who Never Thot They Could.
Delve deep, deep into your little girl mind (plumb your inner child's fantasy world), and try to remember what you wanted to do when you grow up. Fly spyplanes, scuba dive, bellydance.
sign up for a class in it. NoW. LiVe a litle. Never think about this other stuff.
never count dates, or e-mails or time fone calls. or I'm sending Xena Warrior Princess over to your house to whip you. ;)
sinceregirl,
Hey Lili:
Yo.
Lili...you told me not to email "island guy"...and I didn't. I stressed the first 2 days about being rude...etc
Men Do Not Think It's Rude. They Think "She's Cool", when you do this. They Think "She's sure cool and pretty", when you do it.
They Are Not Like US!
...but now I feel great, and the best part is that we are both on AOL...and he thinks I only have 1 user name (i have 3) and he has literally been on ALL DAY and night which he never ever does.
You should never know how many hours he is on AOL (!).
You should have been at The Cheetah Gym, not home with your calculator counting how many hours he was on AOL!!!!!!
I have a very strange feeling he's trying to catch me online.
We are coming over to your house right now, to cloroform you.
There are also 2 new emails in my address that he has, but I refuse to go check them, til I see he's offline.
I'm bringing Xena with me. We are going to tie you up...
Don't want him to catch me (he's got me on his buddy list) I am certain that he has written me again, since I didn't reply to his one from the other day...
Then we will sling you over a muscular horse, with a flowing mane, and ride off into the desert with you...
...and he's not used to that.
Mind you...I'm on the West Coast and he lives on one of the Caribbean Islands. 4 hours difference...what the hell would he be doing (literally) online this long...all day and night?
he's looking at naked girlz.
Xena and me will charge across the desert, with you tied on the back of her horse, with the wind blowing in our Aveda hair...
The moon glistening on our hair...
gallop, gallop...
cooljewel,
Lili, Daughter met a very nice young man online and has dated him every weekend for the last 3 weeks.
mmm...
He's gone to a very far away state right now on business for the next two weeks. First day he called between flights and wrote 3 e-mails. Every day since he's written 3. She has answered once on Friday very flirty and up-beat.
neither she nor you should know how many e-mails he's written or when. neither of you should be counting them. or even reading them! she definitely sould not be answering them! lol.
she should be sky diving, scuba diving, taking an astronomy class, or taking aerobix 5 nights a week. ;)
So he wrote 3 times yesterday and one was an e-mail card which she hasn't had time to open yet (although she really does like him, but she's keeping busy with friends and activities while he's gone) with the subject listed as "miss you".
niether You nor she should know or be counting how many e-mails he's sending. when men love you they call you. but, she should rarely be home to get these calls. ;)
Is this a big "ho-hum" or should she thank him right away, should she thank him at all, should she wait for another day and then thank him?
i'm going to give you a lobotomy now. lavendar! tie her to the horse!
Not sure how to advise her. And since she wants to do TR strictly this time and not blow it, I don't want to say something that will blow it either.
if YOU teach her that any of this is important, we will have to tie you to a camel in the desert for several years. occaisionally, slave boys will come feed you and water you...
you, as her mother, should be teaching her to not count men's e-mails, wonder or agonize over What They Mean, and Whether to Answer Them With a Thank You. You should teach her not to count how far apart they come.
she should delete these unopened, and pack her gym or dance class bag, and rush out! after class, she should meet all her best girlfriends for carrot juice, or protien shakes. then, catch a fun movie!
come back home, and then do it again the next day!
don't Teach her to check her e-mail obsesively, and read men's e-mails, like they are important. don't teach her that It Matters how many days you wait before you answer, how many lines you write back, and that it matters how many he sends, how often, what they say, and etc.!!
It Makes No Difference what they say!
Do Not Teach Her To Obsess on all the Minutiae of Dating!!
he will be back in 2 weeks. she should pay him no never mind while he's gone! he will call her and ask her out, again, When He Gets Back and they will have fun!
dixie pixie,
I just got back from the gym...
YEY!!! ")
Any feedback on the following, Lili: I'm a little bummed about LD guy because he hadn't called for 3 weeks.
if you want security, exclusivity, old fashioned LOVE & marriage, don't date LD!!!! stop it! If you are the kind of woman who likes LOTS of her own space & Freedom and/or likes to dates LOTS of men, add 1-6 LD men into the mix. ;)
He called today and wanted to come to visit...but I was kind of sarcastic...
noooooooooo!:o
I said I don't know if I will recognize you.
nooooo!:o
turn around and go Back to the gym. you must have had a sissy workout. ;)
go do a Super Blaster work out. eat a vegetarian burrito, and an hour later, go take an aerobix class or something! you need More endorphins!!
lol.
And, Ellen (the big E) said that he sounds like he's looking for a friend with perks...Should I let him visit???
iiiif you want a "freind" with perx. if you want a see-reious bf, demote him in importance (in your own mind) (do it secretly) (sshhh!), and date others more, and find you a see-reious bf!
demote him to "lite date". ;)
But do not *tell* him. (nooo "lets have a talk").
be breezy & fun.
Pamina1,
Hi Lili, I gained weight in the past year and am working hard at taking it off. However, in the meantime, I have let the weight affect my brain in a bad way.
I know women can carry extra lbs and be CUAOs, alluring, etc. However, I seem to be unable to act this way. I hunch over, cross my arms in front of myself etc. It's killing me!
today- and I *mean* today, go out and subscribe to Mode (or is it Moda?) magazine. don't put it on your "to do list" or squeak about it being too expensive. do it Tooday.
or tell your mom or sister to buy you a subscription for a christmas present to you. (but still go buy the current issue today!). =)
look at all the beauties in the magazine & read all the articles.
You are a fine princess!
Friday night I went to a fun function and sent out major, "don't approach me; I'm a fat cow" vibes. A couple of guys came over to talk to my gf and me. I was an idiot - nervous, babbling, didn't feel worthy to just stand there and be sought after.
practice being quiet and deep breathing when you are nervous. and get lots of beauty treatments. manicure, pedicures, highlights, great haircuts. perfumes, lotions & potions, and beautiful make up. get you make up colors professionally done.
put satin sheets on your bed. ;)
Live the life of a princess. join our band of desert princesses.
Tonight a male friend (who used to have a crush on me) was in town. He called 2 weeks ago to make dinner plans, picked me up, paid, drove me home, was his wonderful funny self..and I was just awful - turned myself into knee-slapping girl buddy.
make yourself act quiet and breathe deep when yu feel anxious.
print out Princess Tricia2's post. ;)
yes, you must cut off ALL contact. go get a pampering massage, and cry if you feel like it, during the massage (they are used to it) (theyrespect it & will be very sensitve & sweet to you). let the tenison and sad feelings flow out. they have to flow out. they cannot get jammed up.
they will flow and flow until they are done flowing. pamper yourself like a princess. buy satin sheets. buy your favorite music on cds. relax at home. rent movie videos of funny movies. snuggle with your girlfriends and watch the movies. snuggle in your comforter or with your cat.
cry & cry. snuggle and relax.
I would never go to social functions if I broke up! (I shudder at the thought!). avoid people who try to force you to be happy & force you to go places you don't feel like it.
avoid people who command you to be happy real fast.
take a year off dating if you want. decide to focus on something else specific for a year.
remeber to shower even if you're blue. cry & cry. it will have a stop. don't let the feelings get jammed up.
snuggle & get some good magazines (books are too hard to read now). go out and buy lots o girl magazines. and thai food. eat take out food. don't cook. snuggle & eat take out & read magazines.
cry & cry & snuggle and relax. the feelings have to flow out.
angel,
accept it or decide it bothers you too much, and get a *new* different bf.
don't try to change it. accept it, as how he does things, and relax and decide the hiding doesn't bother you, or reject it, and break up, because it bothers you that he hides you.
I think it's rude to hide your gf. It would bother *me*.
but, this is him. it is an expression of who he is. decide to accept him, funny behaviors and all, stresslessly, or leave.
you could decide it sounds logical, and decide to accept it, with grace.
or, leave him, gracefully.
but be graceful, whichever way you go.
you could gracefully push him into the closet whenever your parents come over.
he might think it makes him *feel funny*.
Marriage2000,
Lil - I just want to feel like myself again. When will that happen?
after the sad feeling all flow out.
And how?
let the sad feelings flow out. they will flow out.
I just want him to care about me. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that he doesn't, that much. But what he says and what he does are two different things. He says he loves me, cares for me, and that I'm part of his life. But then he doesn't even call all weekend to see how I'm doing when he knows I've been totally depressed.
guys are totally turned off by depressed girls. most especially girls who are depressed about them disappointing them. they hate this. they will avoid you. it's a guy thing.
try not to think so much. replace all of your complicated thots with simple thots. like pick *one* simple thot. "we broke up", to replace the miles and miles of complicated thots. insert the simple thot in place of the long, complicated thots, whenever a complicated thot starts going round and round.
And he's so frigid. Doesn't want to touch me. That really hurts.
replcae this thot with a simple thot "we broke up". blank the other thots from your mind. they are the road to nowhere.
blot these fancy thots out. they are useless thots.
keep your mind simple & clear. "we broke up". that's all your brain needs to know.
angel,
nooo, decide it doesn't bother you, because you accept his hiding you, or decide it bothers you too much, and break it off.
but do not stay and hatehatehate being hidden.
relax and enjoy it (lol) or gracefully leave, explaining gracefully that "this isn't my thing" (or "being hidden isn't my thing"). lol.
you could play with it. hide him from various freinds. make him stay in the car. make him get in the closet when the chinese food delivery guy comes over. lol. ;)
angel,
next time he hides you, you could simply say, "this isn't my thing", as he shoves you in the closet. ;)
lrar,
Lili, The desert princess thing had me crying I was laughing so hard.
Irar, (by the way, this a perfect name for a desert warrior princess) have you ever watched that show? Xena Warrior Princess?
it's my new favorite thing in the world. it comes on in the middle of the night. I watch it when I can't sleep because i'm pbt-ing about my bf. when i'm tossing & turning, thinking of his annoying behaviors, and having complicated, convoluted, melodramatic thots about him. and can't sleep.
I turn on Xena Warrior Princess, and get lost in her sultry world. the show is actually very erotic.
I can't decide if the blonde sidekick girl is her lover or not. I think she is.
anyway, I am lost in her world right now. pouting that my cheetah thighs look puny next to hers.
what I don't get is how those girls are so buff when there's no 24 hour gym in the desert.
I watch the swarthy desert men eyeing the buff princesses, as the winds whip throogh the sands, and terrible tortured thots of my boyfriend gallop furiously through my mind.
when he isn't calling, he is the most perfect man in the universe. when he has stomped off, and things are on the rocks, he could not be more perfect. I will die without his annoying presence.
when he calls, and everything is on again, all I can think of is how very annoying he is.
I have to turn on Xena warrior princess, to escape.
desert princess beguiled,
Reporting in here:
What's you take on stood-me-up guy:
Let him twist, slowly, in the wind.
you are showing such excellent, warrior princess control!
Princess YUM YUM CAKE,
You are in trouble & the girls are circling you, slowly, on horseback, right now. you better run thru the sand dunes, befo we catch you and hog tie you to a camel. ;)
Help help help...My boyfriend is a great guy everything is going wonderful..he is the sweetest, kindest, best guy I ever met..we are very happy...we get along great, he treats me wonderfully...
He took me out for my bday to dinner with my friends (paid for everyone)and for drinks afterwards...everything going great...
(then he went temporarily insane)
he said he was sorry...anyway, he wound up going home...
then,
he called *3 times* (astricks lili's!) to apologize...was afraid I'd break up with him..
I was upset but was kind of distant on the phone..
WHAT!? (!!!). miss yummycake! we are going to sell you in the desert, to be a slave girl...
WHY did you not accept his apologies gracefully?
(he did, after all, apologize *4* different times) (the problem is YOU yum)
he wants to see me this week, but I said I was busy....
WHA?! (why are you being an iceprincess queen? to a guy who worships the sands you walk on? who paid for an entire dinner for you and your freinds, and who apologized *4* times for a tiny attack of insanity?) (none of these prompt apologies did you receive gracefully!!!!).
he called me at work today...i kept it very short..
lavendar! get the ropes! the winds are calm, and we can cross the desert by the light from the moon...
he called me this evening but I didn't call him back..
are...you...kidding??
we are going to sell you to wandering nomads...
I have no plans to talk to him at all tomorrow...
What a terrible thing you are doing!
... and am going out with the girls after work...(he does not know this)
she is having a terrible attack of koo koo.
what do I do? Do I disappear for a while? what?
first, you call him and apologize for not accepting is apology (his first one) gracefully, lovingly, and warmly. then, you apologize for being a raging iceprincess. explain you went temporarily insane.
then, talk about how much you loved the fabulous birthday dinner very much, and tell him how sweet he was to treat everyone there! talk about how delicious the foods were, and tell him which your favorite foods were. talk about how much you love that place he took you to. tell him you were sad you had a fite, and didn't spend the night together, and that you really missed him, all nite. very much.
when he asks to see you, be sweet and say "yes! I'd love that!".
help?
just explain it was an attack of temporary insanitee. he will undersatnd, as he gets these too. ;)
he worships the ground below your sweet feet. he adores you beyond adoration.
be nice to him!
AnnMargarock,
Lili* I've followed your advice from post #850 --
I'm confused. I looked there and that is a (cool) post from HOckeyChick.
PoliticsGuy hasn't been in touch thru e-mail since (I told him was easier for *me* thru e-mail).
what advice are you following?
It's been almost a month,
any guy who doesn't get in touch with you for a month is not very interested in you. forget about him, and move on, quickly. DaTe OtHeRs.
I am tres triste! :-( He's been on the road w/campaign & away from e-mail.
people (especially men) are *never* away from e-mail.
He had tried calling me 2x but left no mssgs courtesy of Caller ID) the nite b4 that last e-mail. Anyhoo, in his last mssg. he apologized that we couldn't get together due to campaign & said @end, "Stay in touch."
When a guy says "stay in touch" don't. it's not wat guys who are reeally interested in you say.
Did I do the right thing, or did I dampen his motivation by not responding?
Go To The Gym Now. Thinking these thots is a useless activity that does not improve your love life one iota. it is The Road To Nowhere. nooo lie.
Am I just PBTing? My girlfriends are suggesting I send a L&B short mssg. and I'm getting twitchy fingers -- help!
ignore your girlfriends. they chase men. ignore him, he is not chasing you.
Date Others & Go To The Gym!!
Newshoes, don't call. don't chase.
If a man doesn't open the car door for you to get *in* the car, then something is very wrong with his manners/sense of chivalry/common sense.
there are many men in the world who are fantastic men, and very loving men, who don't know fancy manners, because their family never taught them.
when they fail to open a car door for you etc., they are not doing as an *insult*. most likely, if they have asked you out on a date they are very taken with you!
try not to takes *offense*, at the clumsy or imperfect things men do.
many men will make very fine boyfriends or husbands, even if they don't know know how to do everything perfectly.
I would never continue to date someone who didn't open the car door for me.
I would. if he was a good man, and an interesting man.
CAL_GIRL,
I met a guy through a dating service, and he is a doctor. For the first date (DZ), he met me in my city, but since he took public transportation, I drove him to the subway. He had originally asked me to meet him halfway, but I said, no, that wouldn't work, he was welcome to come to my town, otherwise we'd have to pick another day...
I would leave out the "you're welcome to my town" part. it's leading too much, I think. You could just sweetly say, "mmm...I think i'll pass".
(he chose "come to my town," good answer!)
lol.
He has made a second date with me for Sat. Nov. 18, to come to my city and go on a bike ride and have dinner.
fun! great!
He has been calling me every day since then, he is clearly interested.
cool. ")
My dilemma is, he has asked to see me this week (offering Friday, Saturday, or Sunday). The problem is he's on call, so he can't go too far, and so he asked me if I'd mind coming to a city about half hour from me. I hemmed and hawed about Sat and Fri, mostly to avoid the whole thing, but then he said "sunday brunch?" I didn't know what to say, he said "think about it," and then (horrors) ended the call!
do you want to go? (if it were me, i'd take the sunday brunch!) ;)
I don't mind seeing him there since he is on call, if I am hoping to have a relationship with a doctor I don't want to be difficult about this if he's on call, but I intend to be bootcamp on other occasions (I want him to pick me up, etc.)
What do you think - Sunday brunch over there, or should I make up some excuse about being busy?
why disappoint this nice man, and also miss out on what will probably be a fun, delicious sunday brunch? ;)
I normally would think it was ok, but he seems to have a habit of asking me to meet him someplace - if it were just this occurrence, I'd say no big deal. But I think this is how he dates!
he's a doctor! he's spoiled by non-rules women falling all over him! and chasing him and doing evrything for him. he thinks it's normal.
Should I simply make an exception for when he's on call, but otherwise be bootcamp?
doon't ask me! i'm against bootcamp.
That is what I'm leaning towards. Mostly to show him I'm "flexible" so I can be REALLY strict all other times!
I would go and enjoy the date. you will miss out on a lot of really nice times if you are bootcamp. ;)
slaker,
HELP! I need your advice so baaaaad. I went out with this guy (I broke every rule there is) It only lasted 6 weeks, but I fell hard.
eek.
We had a disagreement about the fact that he never made plans (just assumed we would go out) I asked him if he could just give me a day and a time instead of last minute.
Never Tell Men What To Do (remembah this Rule) (follow it, too! lol)
Let The Man Lead (remembah this Rule) (follow it too!)
Be Easy To Be With (remembah this Rule) (follow it! don't just remembah it!)
It got a little heated he said he would call the next day and he never did.
you should have called him right afta you were a pain-o, and said, "I want to apologize; I really over reacted yesterday. so, how did golf go yeterday/ who won the football game?/whatever- change the subject).
keep it a real short call!
Well it's two months later and he called this past Friday. Wanted to talk etc. etc. I met him for a beer and he gave me this big speel.
what did he say?
Well of course (yuk) I fell for it and he stayed at my house.
Yark!
Came over again Saturday night but he went home. He called Sunday and I didn't answer the phone. He left a message but his cell phone was breaking up so bad that I couldn't make out the message. So I returned the call Monday and he never called back.....Oh yes, I called tonight. I could shoot myself.
if you listen carefully, you can hear far away hoofs in the sand dunes...they are getting closer...
lol.
He was kind of cocky.
you are too easy (!) stop stop!
I asked if he got my message and he said yes (silence) So I said oh I was just wondering. God I'm so stupid.
eek!:o
He asked what my plans were for this weekend. I said oh, are you going to make a plan he laughed because this is our ongoing dig. Then he said no I wasn't making a plan I just wanted to know if you had plan.
ouch. cringe.
Towards the end of the conversation he said he would call Thurs. and make a plan for the weekend.....He said he should be able to come up with something by then.
giiiive him a cance to please you. don't get cynical or write him off totally yet.
I just laughed (wanted to kill) Then he said well I'll talk to you Thurs or maybe sooner. Should I even bother?
yeeees. lol.
but Stop Calling Him! (it's chasing, and being *easy*).
If he does call (who knows) Can I go out and try to get some controll back. I feel I lost it all. Or should I just fall off the face of the earth like he did the first time around.
if he calls by wednesday for a saturday night date, and it's a nice date, say "yes". if he calls thursday, very sweetly decline, say, "oh gosh! i'd love to. wow that sounds fun, gosh, I wish were free, but I'm not free saturday nite!".
Lili, what do you actually do if you DO feel angry? Sometimes he says or does something unexpected that totally blows me off. My reaction is to start screaming, etc, etc. Or acting hurt and leaving..(Oh, OH,, I know that is so so bad). Does anyone have the same spontaneous reaction? How do you cope with it? How do yu change it?
olganyc,
I do the exact same thing, sometimes, tho, I know better. it's the dumbest thing you can do. and it makes everything worse.
you have to force yourself to stop it. the more you yell & go on about being wounded & hurt, the worse and worse things will get. they will spin out of control. guys lose interest (and mistreat) women who are always going on about how wounded they are about everything.
when a guy does something to hurt you, do not pay *rapt* attention. give him distance. but not icy distance.
it is very hard to change your part, but you must.
take space, space, space. go on a trip. visit far away relatives. get a little place of your own, and start happily spending a lot of time there. a studio, an office, a meditation cottage.
if he's being really bad, a flat in another country. London.
or think getaway cabin. whatever. in the woods.
spa trips with girlfreinds.
away, away. move (unangrily) awaaaaay.
Lili: Those tapes are so expensive...
okay! don't get them! ;)
are they full of stuff we don't know about that we should?
yes! they are full of FuN!! ;)
they are pure GiRL fUn.
you girls get too sereeious and grim about doing The Rules ! LiFe is to be EnJoYeD! and all of this is to be enjoyed. dating, men, life, femininty. enjoy it.
dixy,
Enjoy your life very much, and don't think about the whole flight thing anymo. blank it from your mind. when the roundy roundy thoughts start, mentally go *blank*, and insert a different thought. think of pie, think of shoes, think about buying yourself roses...go to blockbuster and rent some great (distracting) movies.
because pursuing these thoughts and worries and questions about LD guy, is a road to nowhere.
try very hard not to think about it all (easier said than done).
it makes no difference what you think about for hours in circles- a guy is either crazy about you and wants to marry you or he isn't.
i'm starting to get now the very best thing to do most of the time with bf problemos is to blank my mind of round and round thoughts. just blank them out. and do something else. it takes practise.
but once you get that all of the tortured hours of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, do nothing to improve a love life, (they just exhaust you), it's easier to trust that blanking roundy thots is the answer. lol.
you actually don't have to *work* at all at relationships. (and thinking deeply and long, working on roundy roundy thots for hours, days, and weeks is work). this is the whole premise of the Rules.
"We thought we had to work at making men love us" (Or whatever they sed).
we don't. the guy does the work when he loves us. we never work at it.
"Love Should Be Easy".
"When you do The Rules, love is easy. he either loves you or he doesn't. when he loves you, everything is easy. he treats you like a precious, delicate flower"
I don't think this guy loves you. demote him to "lite date" and throw him into the mix (of men you date).
LD is for women who like being alone a lot, who LIKE a lot of space and a lot of freedom. it is for women who love to be alone a lot, to do other things, and it's for women who don't want anything serious, leading to marriage. it's for women who LIKE to *light date*. and for women who like to date lots of different guys.
I got afunny one: I was watching the election returns w BF and somehow the convo turned to the Clinton indiscretion....I made a joke that if I'd been Hillary...I would have vanished from the face of the earth with a massage therapist named Antonio...the Secret Service would never find me....
I think it's not the thing to say...it's one of those paradoxical things, where the girl thinks she's announcing her high self esteem to a man but the man hears it the opposite, and so treats her worse.
it's better to be a girl who would never say a thing like this. it communicates more grace and more femmy confidence to not say things like this.
it's one of those "Show- don't Tell" things, too. better to be all grace and fem, serene. and if a guy cheats on you, disapear from from his life So Fast It Makes His Head Spin. do it quietly, , femininely, serenely. never *talk* about it.
never show a guy you're *thinking* and *talking* about ever being in a couple where you would get treated like that.
it would never *occur* to you to have an escape plan, because it would never *occur* to you that you'd ever be married to anyone who wouldn't completely, and deeply cherish you at all times.
so, don't announce your escape plans. out loud.
because guys hear it as, *she thinks something like this would happen to her* (so, she has thought it through, and decided on what she would do when it happens).
mainly guys hear *she thinks it could happen to her*.
guys don't hear the *same* things we hear, when we make these so called self esteem announcements.
truly serene, women don't make these announcements. men *hear* these announcements as expressions of her anxiety .
CrystalBell - YAY! I said the same thing to a former b/f about that subject: "I would have been long gone by now."
better not to say these things. it expresses more feminine confidence to be serene and quiet, when such a subject comes up in social conversation. ;)
cool! sounds cute! ")
which reminds me, I had better head out to the shoe store soon (bf thots are going roundy).
Aquamarine,
My guy called up today (Thurs.) and asked me out for Sat. night. I already had made plans since I didn't hear from him by Wed. Am I being too strict? We are exclusive and there were some extenuating circumstances due to the election. He sounded hurt that I wasn't available. Am I being intolerant?
best thing to do is to not think about this for a second. nooo lie! you made plans for that nite. he asked you out for that nite. you weren't free anymore. now go EnJoy your LiFe. ")
he will ask you on another date, I garauntee it! ")
katarina
Lili*-
Your insights are just stunning sometimes. I LOVE what you said about not ever saying or implying that it would *ever occur* to us that we would be anything but deeply and completely cherished and loved in a marriage.
it is an insight based on observation. years of observing the world around me. I see women who make these *self esteem announcements* always get treated worse than women who are serene , centered and quiet, and who express their self esteem by their serenity and by their *actions*; those women get the moon & the stars. they get the cherishing. they don't get treated as gastly as the women who make these *announcements* of thier worth.
serenely Show. Don't tell. ;)
princess katar,
I was not financially cherished during my marriage (he did less than his part...I did the lion's share). Would it be best for me to never allude to the fact that I was ever in this situation?
if you're going to allude to it with your resentment - yes. don't do it. if you're going to be soft and femmy and happy or positive in your allusions, then it's fine to mention it.
if you experienced the sitch as an *insult*, then definitely don't talk about it!
....and should I try to project the feeling that I have every assurance I *will* be cherished in that way should I ever re-marry?
okeey. but just date big money makers if it's real important to you. (tho, I don't see why it's important).
I have my *own* big doubts and fears that I would not be cherished deeply and completely if I should ever re-marry. I don't voice that, but it probably "seeps out" in various ways.
There are reasons I would swiftly and (hopefully!) quietly leave a relationship, but these should not ever be mentioned?
OF COURSE!
Just simply leave when the things happen?
Show. Don't Tell. ;)
uptown girl,
I had a first date with an online dating guy last week. He seemed very smitten with me and took me to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. I was very light and breezy and he loved it!
yey! ")
Anyway, he asked me out again...I don't think he and I are right for each other long term -- so normally I wouldn't go on another date with him.
But should I go out again just to sort of get into the groove of having nice men adore me?
yes! when Mr. Right finds you, you want to be seen as a Love Godess, surrounded by adoring men who want to give you the moon & stars, and who treat you like a princess. ;)
Men want women lots of other men want & adore!
keep your eyes open for great things about this new guy, too. he may not be what you wanted, but he may be full of all sorts of treasures, that may have not been on your list. ;)
katarina,
Lili*-
I basically supported us financially during the years we were married. That's how bad it was. He promptly quit the job he had within a year after our marriage, claiming he "didn't like it" and never thereafter got a steady, reliable job. He did work that brought in next to no money at all...and that work was "on commission." It wasn't any kind of a reliable income.
He paid lip service to getting a good, steady job but it never happened.
During one year of our marriage he didn't work at all....(just sent out resumes). So, this was not about demanding big money. It was about believing my husband cared enough about me and our marriage to just do the basics that would be expected of a man bearing the title of husband.
never mention this to anyone you date. edit it out. be mysterious.
express only *positive* things about your ex, if you ever have to talk about him briefly. I was in a disappointing marriage, too, once, (great understatement), but when men I'm dating ask me, "What was your ex husband like?", I only say a few light & breezy, *positive* things about him. like i'l say, "he was a gourmet cook and he was very well read" or, "he grew beautiful orchids & he cooked great soufles".
these things are all true. say true things (something drew you to your ex! you liked him once). then, I breezily change the topic. I *never* go on and on. I *never say anything negative about my ex husband. I *never* go on and on about his faults, or my disapointments in him, or how miserable my first marriage was.
when asked by a date or bf, "what was your ex husband like?", I *never* say the things I didn't like about him. I don't say, "he had a raging temper, he couldn't handle money, his business failed, he drank too much" (whatever).
Oh, He Cooked Geat Soufles & He Grew Beautiful Orchids.
Edit. Edit edit edit. American women don't Edit. this is why they fail at Love.
they do not *create an ambiance* like european women do. they answer men's questions factually. (and go on and on with thier honest, detailed, factual answers. they have no mystery).
this bores men to tears.
He didn't contribute even close to half of what I was contributing. I felt "tricked" because I never dreamed he would quit his job and that I would be entering into such a stressful situation that lasted for years until I finally left because all my respect and trust in him was gone.
never tell any date this. *never*. try to forget quickly, all your deep disapointment in your ex. you are exs now. it's ovah. try to let it be ovah ovah. it's behind yoo. don't carry it into the future, and talk to dates about it.
Newshoes,
How would you answer when a guy is asking 'why' or 'what were the reasons' that you broke up in your last relationship (marraige, whatever).?
Here, I agree with Sherri & Ellen! Keep your *mystery*!
there's *no* reason for a date or a bf to be asking you this. it's *rude*! it's no man's business , unless you are enagaged or talking seriously about getting engaged!
Even then, when you do talk about it, keep the info short . and speak about it *softly*. don't go on and on, describing all the the things he did to hurt you, and everything you are *still* (!) angry about.
This is courtship- not therapy! They are different. ;)
Don't say *everything* that was wrong with your marriage. edit. pick 1-2 key things, and say them in a soft, fem way.
"He had many fine qualities, but he was unfaithful, so we parted". then *stop* (!). don't go on and on , telling him how *many* times he was unfaithful, who with, for how long, how you found out about it, sharing every feeling (in detail ) you had about it.
(he is not your girlfreind!)
Or say, "He was a very creative & bright man. However, he had a substance abuse problem, so we parted".
Say *something* positve, and soft and feminine before you say what the problem was. and keep the sentence about the problem real *short*.
don't talk about problems & feelings ad nauseum. Dating is *not* therapy. Niether is engagement.
Be sweet, soft.
remember, it is no man's business, unless you are getting engaged to them, why your first (second, third) marriage(s) failed. Dating is not The Oprah show. ;)
Don't talk to a man like he is your girlfriend.
Keep some *mystery*. men LIKE it.
newshoes,
if your date asks you, say, "that's private", in a soft tone. say nothing else.
answer the same thing if it's a boyfreind, to whom you are not engaged.
dating is not therapy! ;)
I do a lot of the same things! so, now, I keep notes by the phone:
breathe deeply
slow down
lower your voice
don't go on and on about anything
be quiter/softer
keep your answers softer, sweeter, shorter
I go to discount shoo places...but I lust after expensive shoos!
veronicasmile,
dating should not be like therapy.
We Don't Play Therapist To Men (from Rules 1 ).
we don't be their sob sister.
he shouldn't be calling you night & day to talk about all his problems and all of his feelings about all of his problems. he should be calling you for *dates*. that's it!
don't apologize! say you were in the shower. taking a lavendar shower. ;)
buy a shower radio. next time, tell him you didn't hear the phone, because you were taking a lavendar shower & listening to ____ (your favorite singer). lol.
you are not a psych nurse on call 24/7!
you are his sweetheart.
don't let him get all confused. ;)
from the tapes:
"never talk to him everyday on the phone. if he wants to talk to you every day, let him marry you."
homework for the girls:
okey. everyone here say, "I was just drying off from a lavendar bath", the next time their bf calls and asks, "what are you doing now?". lol.
dooon't *anybody* give a detailed, factual answer (like, "oh, i'm doing some paperwork i've been procrastinating on. I'm doing laundry, I'm de-fleaing my cat".
everybody say "drying off from my lavendar bath". lol.
all lab rats report back with the results of this answer. ;)
stop being so factual. be more mysterious and sensuous. play with men. have fun with them! ;)
say it even if you are clothed and doing something very different.
it's your homework for the day.
give a man an answer that will make him *happy*. an answer that is *truly interesting* to him.
stop being so serious, so un-mysterious and factual!
never answer your fone. lol. ;)
or answer the fone and say, "I can't talk now, i'm taking a lavendar bath". ;)
"I can't talk now, i'm going to aerobix".
"I can't talk now, i'm going to tango class"
"I can't talk now, Antonio is coming over".
"I can't talk now, I'm going on a meditteranean cruise"
yes. they are only being freindly, tho. ;)
they LIKE you!
I dunno! I can't talk right now. Abdul is here to fix my stove!
veronicasmile,
LILI!!! YOu're funny. Next time he asks, that is what I'll say...but now that the damage is done, should I be ignoring his e-mail? And if he asks?
Veronikah! what are you talking about?! I can't talk right now, Daveed is coming to fix my pipes! (Abdul is in the kitchen, Raphael, is fixing my sprinklers, my bf is leaving me voice mail asking where I am, and Antonio, from down the hall, has his nose pressed against my window...).
He's on the other side of the world, so I don't see him for months at a time. I shouldn't talk to him unless he's making plans to come visit me or vice versa?
don't e-mail him!!!!!!!!!! ever!!!!!! lol. (if you want to *see* him).
talk to him (if he pays) (lol), but, don't talk so long that you miss salsa class! ;)
(even if you don't have a salsa class! lol!)
(tell him you are "just drying off from a lavendar bath")
lol!
SweetPetite,
Imagine the most unrulesy character you can possible imagine in a breakup scene. My ex came over tonight after I begged him to see me in person- he stayed for hours and I cried to him about how I wanted him back. I told him how wrong I was and how much I miss him. I told him I loved him and needed him to be part of my life. I begged. He told me he was seeing hte other girl- I knew it- I seriously suspected it- and yet I didnt want to give him up. I continued on begging and pleading for him to stay with me, to give it another chance... I was so pathetic.
eeeeek!:o
I dont know who I need to talk to about this... I will pay just about anything or talk to anyone you can recommend.
don't spend your money on therapy ! buy every Rules audiotape or video tape there is, go to every Rules seminar there is near your city, call (for free!) the Rules support girls (rules contact people) on the back of the Rules newsletters (the #s are there- ordinary free girls!) (I have done this with great success!!).
buy both books and read them everyday. spend your money talking to Sherrie or Ellen on the fone (don't do the e-mail! it's lame).
You have to get the message they are sending. You have to. You have to.
I need someone to guide me in a very direct way and I dont know who to turn to.
do what sherrie & ellen teach. and get phone #s of girls here from the Rules Boards. ask the girls here, who you call for support to do The Rules. lots of girls will take calls. reach out for Rules support.
forget therapy.
You seem to have a lot of experience with some of these relationship therapists. Do you have a suggestion?
yes. don't get therapy for this problem. that is my advice. get help from Sherri & Ellen. and cry a lot and let the sad feelings flow and flow out. it will all flow out and you will spring back. =)
Is this what I need?
no, you don't need therapy, in my view. you need love, laughter, freinds, and sherri & ellen. ;)
get lots of Rules girls to come over with funny (distracting) rented video movies, and ice cream (or frozen yogurt). cry and cry and let them give you pedicures. call Rules contact girls night & day. they are all over the world - in every time zone. (there is always some girl awake in another time zone, in the middle of the nite when you are tweaking).
We've been trying to breakup for a year and it seems now he has moved on (we went out for 2 years before the breakup last year) so the timing is perfectly normal and I should be over this.
you must stop chasing & beggging. he is gone. feel sad. cry. let the tears flooow...snuggle in your comforter, with extra pillows, and kittens. have chicken soup. lay low. watch movies (on video).
I'm sorry I didnt just call a cab and go shoe shopping instead tonight... I cant believe how many times he said "No" and then hugged me and told me it was over. So many times...
well, shoes work for me. but maybe ice cream works for you. ;)
just be sad for awhile...and buy all the rules tapes instead of therapy. play them over and over and over 24 hours a day, while in a crisis. ;)
I have tapes on now. I've listened to these tapes for days ! I listen in the morning when I put on my make up, and have my coffee, when I take a bath late at nite, when I cook, etc.
SweetPetite,
Dear Lili,
Thanks. I'll buy the tapes.
yes. do. they are directive (which is what you want), and the advice works , and the tapes will make you laugh (this is way important).
don't worry about the prices. you'd spend it on go nowhere therapy, with therapists who will tell you everything wrong to do with men, so, buy the tapes! it will cost a lot less and help a lot more, in the end.
I'll pull my books from the drawer.
read them a million times.
I'll call Ellen and Sherrie. I didnt know if they could deal with breakups.
they don't coddle you or baby you or act anything like therapists. they will tell you what you did wrong, and what to *do* now. the consults are all about your *actions* not your *feelings* (they don't care about your feelings. they care if you're acting stupid or femmy smart. ;)
I'll keep posting.
ok! report back. =)
stop calling men!!!!!!!!!!
beguiling lab rat,
Guy who stood me up for DZ (twisting in the wind) left a msg again for me yesterday on my home phone:
Beguiled, it's XXX. Give me a call. Page me at XXX-XXXX. Call me tonight, please, all right?
What to do?
do nothing. lol. he should be calling you when he is sure to get you in. not calling you and leaving lotso messages, and e-mailing you. he should be making an effort to seriously figure out when the *most* likely time is he will get you in person, call then, and talk to you directly. with a a damn good story. lol.
we never *page* men.
let him try, try try. challenge him to figure out when to actually call and get you in person. men like a challenge.
my bf (who is very serious about me) always works hard to figure out the most likely time he will get me in person by calling. he doesn't call and leave tons of "call me" messages. he tries to figure it out, and trap me. ;)
you want men who are trying hard to figure it out, and are succeeding (by their own brain power & efforts) to trap you.
Phooey,
Dear Lili~
Is it okay to have standing dates every week with an exclusive bf if he's treating you like the Hope diamond?
sherri sez yes.
me, myself, I would *occaisionally* (one time out of six) make other fun plans, just to be unpredictable. ;)
GingerSnap,
Lili*,
One more question LOL :) Do you think it's better if so-called beautiful women do the RULES LITE as opposed to BOOTCAMP? Will BOOTCAMP and ATTITUDE make it worse for me? I've already been accused of being aloof and intimidating and some guys have said they were in "awe" and too afraid to pursue. I don't know which approach to take? I'm not so sure I'm convinced that a man who is intimidated WILL STILL pursue you with no encouragement on your part. This is a serious issue for me and a thorn in my side, so any advice is greatly appreciated. What do you recommend?
don't think about *any* of this. the best advice I have is to immediately stop thinking about all this. be pretty, don't chase men, and all will be fine. ;)
men who Want YOU, will ask you out. ;)
you are overthinking all this. Go To Aerobix or TaeBo. forget all this think, think, think stuff. it does not improve your love life one iota.
Anya,
Hi Lili...I am writing to update you on my story. If you remember I wrote in a couple of weeks ago about a guy I was dating that I was intimate a little too soon with and then I told him I made a mistake.
Well, things have been relatively ok except for the fact that he has been very lazy. By this I mean not asking me on dates in advance, not calling every day, and generally feeling too comfortable with me.
are you doing zee Rules ? are you being a challenge? playing hard-to-get? making yourself extra-triple pretee? =)
do it! ;)
It was getting to a point that I was not sure what he was thinking and I decided to pull way back.
yey! ")
I figured that this would show me what he was thinking. If I never heard from him then I would know he was not interested, etc.
great thinking! =)
Well, he continued to call me but not to ask me out -- just to see how I was doing.
leave your answering machine on 24/7 and *never* pick up when he calls, for the next 30 days, and date a LoT of OtHeR MeN. Go To The Gym a *lot*. buy yourself, for christmas, Rules audio and/or videotapes of seminars. Put it in your stocking. They are Fun! ")
Enjoy your LiFe! dooon't think too much on a guy who's lukewarm about you! get out there and date other men, and let them treat you like a purdy princess! =)
I did not call him back for a few days and today I got an email from him saying "Hey...are you tired of me now"?
Ignore it! totally!
So, Lili, and others. What do you think?
I think he does not LoVe you and you should confidently ignore him Big Time, and date lots of others. join a dating service. jump start your social life! EnJoY your LiFe!
just leave him in the dust. he might get passionate about you if you ignore him. but keep dating others, and just throw him into the mix. ;)
never let him see you more than *once a week*.
I guess he's interested otherwise he would not make that comment?
nopey. that is not how interested men act!
interested men call you early in the week and ask you on really nice dates for *Saturday* night. they dress up, they pick you up, they bring you roses, they take you out to nice places, and they pay for everything. at the end of the date, they ask you out for another date, as they are dropping you off. ;)
How would you respond to that?
I wouldn't respond to that e-mail if you paid me a million dollars. if you do, he will think less of you. he will not feel challenged.
Guys Like a Challenge.
Be One.
BreezeGirly,
Lili*,
have you read robert bly's *iron john*? i have read all of gray, goldberg, etc. but i'm being purr-soothed by a sweetie who is into the i.j. book and i'm curious...
nopey. nevah read it.
red flag? green flag? doesn't matter?
Go To Aerobix *now*. lol. ")
p.s. this man can't stop giving me stuff! it's so cute! he's always reaching in his pocket, rummaging through his desk to give me stuff! (post-it notes, dinners, balls of string, keycards, long drives, t-shirts, alcoholic beverages...! lol)
honeyflower, is he giving you romantic presents? (flowers, perfume, jewels?).
anya,
if you can't do it (leave your machine on and *don't* pick up or return his calls) for 30 days- if this advice seems too *hard* or *scarey*, then just do it for 21 days (if that is too hard or scarey to you, just do it for 2 weeks).
but Do It.
because, when you do this you send men "the secret, silent code that all men understand".
uptown girl,
Lili,
This may seem like a dumb question, but I was at a dinner party the other night -- and there was a married couple there.
They seemed very happy ... but the woman was about 60 pounds overweight, had unkempt hair, glasses and was wearing an outfit I wouldn't be caught dead in. (Okay, I sound really obnoxious, I know) ..
But it made me wonder -- do I really need to try to look pretty?
yes! you do! looks are extremely important to men. this man most likely desperately wants his wife to make the effort for her looks, but for whatever reason she does not. he still loves her. but inside he is most likely pining for her to make an effort.
And this woman was not prettier before they got married. I saw a picture from when they were dating.
Maybe men don't care about looks as much as I thought. (Her husband was more attractive than her ... decent-looking). I'm confused. Should I be eating cream puffs and wearing sweatpants?
run in your creampuffs & sweatpants. we will chase you and we will catch you and we will wrestle your creampuffs from you (and we'll eat them behind a big sand dune).
sinceregirl,
don't date a man who e-mails you, after you send him your #. he is not manly enough for you.
ignore e-mails from men who have your #.
if it's about *returning stuff* to an ex boyfreind, my advice is *never* do it. pay an errand ruuner (who doesn't know either of you and has no feelings about either of you) to return all his stuff (as an errand).
this is what I've done and it works perfecto!
otherwise, girls use it to obsess on the ex and his reaction, and obsess on *how* (of the dozens of ways to return it) and *when* (of the dozens of times to return it) to return it. whether to leave it on the porch, or take it to his place, whether to e-mail him with the plan (and obsess on what to write in the e-mail) (how many lines, what should they say? etc.), or to call with the plan.
whether to call his machine, or call him at work, or at home. in the morning, at night, or in the afternoon. what if there is a girl there? what if she answers? what if I *see* her, when I drop the stuff off? what does it all mean ?
and what did everything he *said*, when I called him/went there/or in his reply e-mail mean ?
when they should do something intelligent like Go To The Gym, instead of any of this.
um, *returning an ex's things* just takes over and becomes a girl's whole life.
she should pay an errand girl or boy to do the errand, and not question the errand girl/boy about "what did he say? how did he look?", and post about it asking what it means .
it's OVAH.
stop it.
"We don't try to figure out why he doesn't love us" and "We don't try to understand him" (sherri & ellen).
We Move On.
FIDO. lol.
scrabble,
don't think about *any* of this. there's no reson to.
If He Loves You, he will call and tell you so, and he will call and ask you for very nice dates and he will treat you precious.
within a year he will propose.
you don't have to think about any of this. Go To The Gym.
now.
der juni,
Lili,
This is not a big problem or anything, I'm just curious what you would do in this situation. My husband is a nice guy and treats me wonderfully and compliments me a lot, but he is negative about most other things. I will try to see the positive side of things, and he will see the negative; the glass is always half empty. For example, if we are out to eat he will ask if my food is ok and worry if I need anything else, and I will find something good to say, but he will say of his own dinner, "the chicken's dry." Even if every thing else is wonderful, he will focus on the dry chicken. Or the music at the restaurant is bad, or the movie is boring, or this new show sounds like it will be stupid.
The funny thing is that he says all these grouchy things totally matter of fact, and doesn't dwell on any one thing; it is more like a knee-jerk reaction to focus on the negative. I find it amusing because he can be such a grumpy young man, but it is kind of a pain in the butt at times, so I'm wondering if I should either:
A. Ignore it
B. Humor him (What I usually do.)
C. Something else I haven't thought of yet.
D. Not worry about it because it is no big deal
the answer is...C.
go to the gym.
lol. this is the kind of question a woman asks when she is running low on endorphins.
go get a fill up.
We Never Try To Change Men
and
We Are Easy To Be With
He is super nice about complimenting me and won't even joke negatively when it comes to me, but in everything else he sees the downside.
this is him. let the man Be Himself! just love him!
he loves you. ")
LavenderButterfly,
I think just got it... it is all the extra thinking that messes women up and makes it extra hard for them to deal with boys. No thinking about exes, it does no good and only makes you paranoid. No thinking about current beaus, overthinking only stresses you out when there are other things you can be doing that are much more productive in your life. No thinking about "possibility" beaus, nothing has happened yet why waste you time on a fantasy.
lol... after how long of reading the books and scanning the posts I finally get it.
when a man loves you, he makes everything happen that should happen. he calls you, he asks you for very nice dates, he asks to go exclusive, he calls, he sez "I love you", he calls and calls, and he cherishes you, and he makes cool plans for you, he calls, he buys you things, and he proposes to you.
you don't have to do anything (but make yourself pretee as a flowa and edit your conversation, so you are fun & mysterious).
The Whole Rest Of Your Life Is YOURS, to do whatever you want to with.
EnJoY It!!!!!!
you don't have to do anything/figure anything out/think for millions of hours about your dating life.
lavendar, it's one of those simple difficult things. lol.
(it's what sherri & ellen teach- and they are Right).
(that is why they are millionaires- they are right).
Choosy,
He rented a satillite phone, but it doesn't work very well and is expensive and probably won't have time to call me until Thursday anyway.
scrub the house while you do this. lol. multi-task . now. if you are going to be in the trhoes of roundy roundy thots, at least plant your bulbs or clean your oven, while you are having roundy roundy thots. lol.
it can be done! make sure you're *productive* when your mind goes roundy.
I checked out the website about the race he is participating in and one guy wrote about a wife wanting to surprise her husband at the end of the race in Cabo...he suggested that she not be surprised out what she found!!
clean your oven now. clean the inside, then clean behind it. ;)
hmm, they gym's not working...already went this morning and the endorphin fix must be wearing off, either that or I didn't work out hard enough!!
shrimp. lol. I watched GI Jane last night. :o
I keep thinking about what that man...
roundy...
wrote...and all the big boobied...
roundy...
Checker's girls...
and roundandround
at the the end of the...
plant your spring bulbs Now. round and round in your garden.
... race in Cabo!!!
racing round and round...
I really don't like that he is such an adrenaline junkie!!
Iiiiiif you doooon't want to have a husband who does this...
DaTe a man who stays home and cooks and reads with you.
now, the questions is; feeling as I do, how do I respond to him when I do hear from him?
Hello? hellooooooo? (!)
how...do...I respond...to...him...when...he calls?
LOL!
tie her to the camel! gabriella! come quick!
sherrie & ellen call this "the washing machine effect" (women's thots about their boyfreinds go round and round and round, and roundandround like a washing machine). lol.
(me too. I am the queen of it)
dooon't be mad at men. they are not doing anything wrong. just enjoy men, or spend your time, happily with other men you enjoy better.
Choosy,
I'll get off the computer soon and get busy...so I guess the answer to my question is "light and breezy" when he calls - no questions asked?
her mind is like a Maytag!
...well, don't know if cleaning my oven will cure these roundy thoughts, because it's clean. I'll clean under the bed, or my closet instead, but I am having extreme trouble getting motivated.
do it anyway. ;)
Fiancee does cook and read with me. Sundays are our day to just indulge each other, and I am missing that bad today!!!
He has left voice messages on my work voice mail, my cellular voice mail and home telling me he loves me, misses me and is thinking about me.
my g-d woman! what are you complaining about!?
But, I know that I will not be able to communicate with him for awhile and it is driving me coo coo!!
bake a cake. try every recipe in Martha Stewart magazine. not joking! it will give you something to talk about, when he comes home. it will impress him and your freinds.
when he calls, for heaven's sakes, be nice and freindly.
Wonder how much he misses me...ok STOP roundy thoughts, am ready to be tied to the camel now!!
okay. we will do it. ;)
it's my new epifany. I can't *do* it yet, but at least now I know what to focus on. I know what direction to go.
It always used to bother me when sherri or ellen would say, in answer to my questions, "you're thinking about this too much. get busy with interests and hobbies, more".
I just knew they were not getting it! I had the most revealing , intriguing things to tell them that my boyfriend said or did, and what I said or did, and then what he said or did (and I had hundreds and dozens of things I hadn't got to yet), and I could not beliiive they would say this!
oh, I seeeee! now I get it. haha.
it's so simple, so easy, we would never believe it.
it sounds too easy! haha.
doy! (why didn't someone tell me a million years ago!) (I coulda got several Phds, or cooked every recipe Martha Stewart ever showed, or planted every bulb in the universe.
I coulda tried every toenail polish color in the galaxy. or learned to make my own soufles!
Anya,
Thanks Lili for the advice! I will try my hardest to not answer his calls or emails.
doooon't answer any of his e-mails. the more you answer them, the less he will ask you for dates. noo lie! it is what ordinary girls do. cool girls are real hard to reach via e-mail- they are always out doing something fun: dates, gym, dancing, going on little trips, going shopping, etc.
this excites men. Men LIKE a challenge. they like popular, happy, pretty girls, who aren't that easy to reach. ;)
But, I still can't help but feel rude to not answer at all. Wouldn't that turn off any man.... even one who adores you... just because it is rude not to acknowledge him?
ssomething is very off here, if he's ringing you up and not asking you for dates. he's just ringing you and yakking. he's lukewarm in his courtship. he knows cool girls sense it, and so (they) would date a lot and go out a lot and do other fun things. he knows ordinary girls, would be very polite and considerate, and acknowledge *every* e-mail and *every* phone message, promptly, and slavishly.
ignore his calls & messages for 2 weeks. whe he gets you in, be light and breezy, perky, sweet and happy! (and just rushing out, mysteriously) (happily!) (a little breathless).
doooon't say where to! ;)
Be a Challenge.
anya, he's not even calling you for dates. uh-oh.
anya,
yes, the advice I gave you was too, too extreme. don't know what happened to my mind.
modify it. don't e-mail him at all (he should be calling on the phone and asking you for normal dates- not e-mailing you just to talk); and, leave your machine on and screen your calls 24/7, and don't pick his calls up or return them for like 7-10 days. get out your datebook, and in this time make LOTS of plans to keep busy. make plans for every night that week and the weekends. like see movies with girfreinds, go for a manicure, a massage, go to aerobix classes, go to dinner with family or girlfreinds, accept other dates (if he hasn't asked you to be exclusive). go to museums, art shows, readings, lectures. get out the paper and see what's going on. fill up your datebook with things every night and weekend for like 7-10 days.
when you do start answering his calls again, be happy & breathless, and perky.
he sounds like he likes you, but he's not crazy about you, so this is why you pull away even more, and put yourself out there, where other men can see you and approach you. ;)
sinceregirl,
Hello Lili and Girls! I just read about the "Bedroom Secret". I don't know about this one...but from what I gather, "don't let them see your bedroom for a year?"...is there a post on this one, or someway to find out more?
it's a tip for WUMTHS girls to do. and it's one of the coolest, fun, femmy tricks. you don't allow men you date to see inside your bedroom. it creates mystery (about your bedroom) to an almost unbearable degree. men become crazy to see your bedroom, they try all kind of playful tricks, obsess on it, and in general go crazy (about you). hahaa.
it's about mystery. fem fem mystery (which is what a lot of WUMTHS is about, BTW).
the posts on the topic were on the WUMTHS board and the Flirting Tips board (because it's a Flirting Tip) (a way of flirting with men), but the old posts got erased a long time ago. every girl who tried it had great results with it! it was a fun topic! ")
But for non-WUMTHS girls, it's still a good tip (for mystery & intrigue) to not let men see inside your bedroom for a long time. They LOVE this. ;)
it's part of my theory that men are crazy about women who deny them things.
men LOOOVE women who don't say "yes" to everything and give them everything they want (they get bored of these women).
say, "no" to a man a lot, about all *kinds* of things, as a flirting technique. men are so crazy about this.
date: "can I see your bedroom?"
girl: "nope"
date: (stupified) (grinning like crazy) "what!? why not?"
girl: "only girls can go in there"
or "nope!"
or "noooh, you can't go in there"
or anything like that. with a smile and flirty expressivity.
it sets you apart from Every Other Girls he's dated (which is what you want!). it's different . it's mysterious. this excites him and makes him happy.
men want a girl who's different than all the other girls he dates. ;)
every other girl (in the universe) he dates goes, "yeah, sure". like her bedroom is not special in any way, (and seeing inside it is nothing special either).
do the "secret bedroom secret", and they will feel challenged & excited and happy about seeing inside your bedroom. deny them entrance for as long as you can. that way, when they finally go inside, they act (and feel) like they are inside the Taj Mahal.
they stare in wonder and awe. they feel so priveleged to be insde your bed chamber. your secret room of feminine mystery, the sacred, secret place they have been dying to see.
lol. men are so funny! they LOVE this.
it should be a Very Big Experience, not a
date: "can I see your bedroom?"
girl: "yeah, sure"
date: (coming back from seeing it) "oh".
date: "so can I turn on the tv? I want to see the (football) game. do you have any microwave popcorn?".
men value what is *hard* to obtain. they value the girl who is different, *mysterious* and pretty, and who denys them (all kinds of) things, instead of handing everything over to them readily. ;)
this is the same as the theory that we deny them dates, too, or do the 3 day rule. ;)
it creates *mystery* (which men need very much). ("where is she? why isn't she free? why isn't she home? I wonder where she is?!") ("she's driving me crazy!") lol.
and it makes you *difficult to obtain* (men's other favorite thing).
men like what & who is *difficult* to obtain. ;)
okey. i'm going to start a Therapy and Everything About it board! lol!
so this board doesn't become serious, and depressing (girls can post about therapy, therapists, and childhood issues over there!).
my theory is that what girls need is *not* therapy! and this is my topic board of my theories and advice.
girls should *not* spend thier money on therapy, when they are blue, failing at dating, or life, or in the jaws of self esteem problems, or any other steam problems. ;)
they should gather up All That Money, in their apron, and use it to take a trip the place that is their most favorite place on earth- (yes- in the middle of having self steam problems) lol!. they should go to Nepal, or Thailand or Paris or Florence or London, or wherever they have always wanted to go *someday* in the future (which never comes).
they should get on a plane and Go! they should get on a train and go! take a great dress, and some fabulous shoes! do things That Make You Happy. don't go to therapy, because you are unhappy. girls should do things that make them feel good . do things that make them happy all over.
how often, when you go to a shrink because you are unhappy, does going to therapy (for months and years) make you happy? it doesn't. you come outta there crying or having serious, depressing thoughts that go round and round.
You Only Live Once! Eeek all the Joy you can out of LiFe. Go to Paris, for 2 weeks or 6 months or even a year, if you always dreamed of it. don't be a chickengirl.
move abroad for a year. go to your dream place, that you love. (do something totally different) yes! in the middle of being depressed and having low self esteem. lol. this often cures depression more and faster.
my theory is that to cure the blues, Do Things That Make You Feel Good. (not bad). spend the $6000 a year (or $100 an hour) on long, soothing, aromatherapy massages. not a shrink. it will make you feel great all over.
spend the $1000-$10,000 a year on great trips (to Africa or China or the south ot France)- not therapy.
have a life you can look back on! do you want to be eighty, looking back on your life going, "well, I spent the prime years of my life in therapy for my childhood issues and my self esteem issues, I got in touch with every feeling of misery, and mined my soul for all sorts of things...", is this what you want to tell your grandchildren? or do you want to tell them you lived in the south of France for a year and spent it painting, braiding wildfowers in your hair and having love affairs with french men? You went to Spain, and learned to dance spanish? you wore long, spanish dresses, and jasmine blossoms in your hair. men kissed you under a spanish moon? You went to Tahiland & the Himalayas? You saw and did awesome things. (as a woman of mystery does).
if you have money to spend on suffering in therapy, you have money to spend on these things. you have money to spend on airplanes, and trains and ships and aromatherapy massage. you really do. spend your money on things that make you happy!
I always, always dreamed of having an antique sleigh bed to sleep in. a fabulous, exotic, gorgeous comforter from europe. a pomegranite tree, and going to Italy for a month every summer.
so, I spent my money on making these things happen.
it is deeply satisfying to wake up in my bed, thrills me. everytime. and it makes me happy to pick my own pomegranites. and put them on my table. and go to italy every year that same month (come rain or come shine- whether i'm happy or depressed, whether my self esteem is up or down) (who cares! EnJoY yOuR LiFe!).
go to italy even it's raining. take in the beauty of life. take in the beauty of your LiFe. Go to India even if your boyfriend left you and you have a lot of "issues" about it to explore, and your self esteem is low. take a month off and ride trains acroos europe. take abunch of great books. cocoon on the train. get your own sleeping car. take you favorite classical music. watch the countryside, out the windows. flirt with italian waiters on the train.
EnJoy your LiFe (even if you are depressed).
Doing something totally different re-arranges your brain. is as effective (noo- more effective!) than therapy for the blues.
do the things you always dreamed of while you are alive (even if you are depressed or have low self esteem!) (forget that stuff!).
also, it will drive your boyfreinds crazy. lol!
they will desire you like mad. ;)
anyaah,
did he ask you to be exclusive? take a winter vacation without him. go to switzerland. lol. or book a winter vacation cruise. =)
even if it's only 10 days. ;) take some great shoes. and buy some great novels. take a girlfreind or a sister, or go solo, as a *woman of mystery*.
EnJoY your Life (before it's gone), and don't worry about men who aren't crazy about you! Book a trip now. do something fabulous.
don't spend any more time on this. the world is full of Men Who Love You (and they are in Italy) (lol). I'm not lying.
They are in Turkey. Explore Turkey. Go visit Olga. Run away with her! (make her buy a great dress and some red lipstick).
do the unexpected. don't sit home, wondering anymore if some lukewarm guy who doesn't even call you to ask you for dates, will call and leave a message or e-mail you.
It's road to nowhere. I'm a tellin yoo. ;)
Go to Italy. haha. You will be so popular there.
happy67,
Lili, that's an interesting idea and I agree with it in theory. But in practice, when I did this, I got there and felt VERY ALONE!! Really lonely. And vowed that I would never travel on my own again.
if you don't *enJoY* solo travels, then, yes, take a very fun freind. or a fun person in your family. or advertise for a strangergirl who'd like to travel togetherr to the same places for adventure.
try different things til you find what makes you happy. write to a relative who's a family geneology expert (every family has one relative like this! who's done a family tree!). ask them to tell you all about people in your family you don't know who live in other countreis or states. plan a trip around the world to visit alll these family people. send them all happy cards, telling them you're passing through and would like to say "hi".
then you will have new family in other countries you visit for vacations (you won't be aloone).
or take traveling classe. educational trips on every subject known to man. through university extension courses (I've done it! it's fun!) (so you aren't alooone). or take a singles vacation to an exotic location. go to africa or india. haha. they go to every countree!
Then again, it wasn't Italy.
beleive me, if your bf is neglecting you, go to italy! lol!!! you will feel like Miss Universe real fast. ;)
you wil have so many hansome boyfriends, soo fast. it will cure everything.
When you go, do you go to the city or countryside?
both! EnJoy it All! ")
(Happy to report I've never spent a cent on therapy. Jeez, even Woody Allen has given it up!)
I blew my inheritance on therapy. years of it. and it was the stupidest thing i've ever done. nooo lie.
if I had my LiFe to live ovah...hahaa! oh, the FuN I would have!
(instead!)
anyah,
did he ask you go exclusive???
when you see each other twice a week, does he take you on dates?
does he knock himself out to show you a Great time? to WOW you?
Or does he just want to hang out? (watch videos, take you to burger king?)
olganyc,
Lili, does the same thing work when you are married and living together. My hubby is not commiting to having a family. He keeps telling me 'Hmmmm, I am not sure at all that it something for me..'
olga!! this is something youtalk about before you get married!!
if you don't want the same kind of life, why get married???
I told him that I do want to have family and children one day (does not have to be tomorrow or any time soon, but I have to have clarity that that is something we both want),
befo marriage have this talk! get in a time machine, NOW! ")
...and if that is not what he wants, I am moving out.
yes, leave this marriage. you have my permission. it is making you unhappy. you need to be happy. ;)
Is the same rule of not bringing it up is true when you are engaged/married?
according to sherri & ellen but not me!
Am I doing the right thing or is this demanding?
he sees it as demanding. men like to think of ideas themselves .
I am in a non-TR marriage,
get out! go to Italy or the south of France. change your whole LiFe. it is not working.
EnJoY your LiFe to the fullest. if you are not enjoying your LiFe the fullest with him, leave him! (you don't have children!).
meetya in Paris!
CAL_GIRL,
Hi Lili,
How can I set rulesy boundaries in the following scenario:
I had the "Sunday brunch" date with DR. What ended up happening is he waited till Sunday a.m. to call to confirm the time/place, so I had to get up early to be ready "just in case" (bad thing #1);
eek!
When he called at 9:30, he said he didn't know when he'd be free later (I knew he was "on call," but he also wanted to jog, etc.). So he said he'd have to call me later.
oh no! :o
here is where you say, super, super fast, light & breezily, "mmm...on second thought, I think I'll pass" (it's what I say and it *always* works). tone is femmy perky, sweet, light & breezy. happy & light, and sweet. say it. practise saying it to your plants. practise it. practise it!
it will put a total stop to this. he is being cocky. arrogant. so, light & breezily, with not a second of hesitation, let this above phrase roll easily right off your tongue.
get perkily, breezily off the phone quickly , and sweetly after you say it.
I said, "do you know when the earliest you'd want me to leave, so I can plan my morning?"
bad thing to say.
He didn't know.
of course! he was being arrogant. he's spoiled, being a hansome, rich, single doctor guy. ;)
So I waited around until 1:30 (bad thing #2).
eek! :o oh! no!
Why not say, I won't be free until at least 3 p.m.? Or look in the damn paper NOW, at 9:30 a.m., not calling me at 1:30 (which he did) to say "Gee, we missed the 12:45 (duh), how about the 4:15?"
eek!
Did I mention he originally said BRUNCH which is usually no later than 1 p.m.?
yes, I remebah.
I should have said, "no, I'm sorry, I have plans for later in the day, I had blocked out brunch until 3ish. Darn!"
noooo. say, the above thing, I wrote! add, " anyway , it was nice talking, to you, but I'm going to head out now..." (lalalala) sweet and breezy. unphased.
practise being Unphased. and quickly forgeting plans or men who become difficult. ;)
(it's what cool girls do. godesses and dreamgirls do this).
The date ended up being a movie I didn't want to see at 4:15 (oh BTW I'm not feeling well, wanted to stay in bed ALL DAY, not sit around in my makeup and contacts), followed by a bite to eat (he didn't know where, so the options were for ME to drive us around until I found a place I knew. So I just pointed to a chain restaurant and said "there is fine." Bad thing #4 (not having a plan). The food was cheap and bad. I spent $12 on my parking, the movie/dinner (for me) was around $15 - I felt as if I went dutch, even though he paid for dinner/movie.
yark!
My main issue is me wasting my whole day. I'm sure there is a better way to handle this than "no, please give me a time NOW, dammit."
noooo. nevah say that. it's like saying, "okey! i'm going to boss you around now and demand you act different"
Our next date is a long bike ride (I don't bike much), for which I'd have to fix my tires, get bike shoes, practice riding this week to get in shape, -- THIS GUY IS TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE. But I want to give him one more chance - how should I handle him next time (for the bike trip thing, I don't want to do that, and I only want to go out with him if he has a fixed time ahead of time and a plan).
call his machine and say, fem femmily (practise this on a tape recorder (it's what I do), "gee, I won't be able to make the bike trip, oh gosh, I wish I could! anyway , take care and have a great day!" =)
doooon't do activities you don't think are fun!
cal gurl,
You are a dear to write back and advise, I have been a wreck! You are so, so right!
it's time for an aromatherapy bath, with candles and some good jazz or classical music, take out thai food. ;) time to pamper yorself, gurl!
So, in a nutshell, if he does or says anything I don't want to do, even if I want to do part of what he says, just say "I think I'll pass"? E.g., let's say he offers to come to the city where I live to see a play, but he wants to meet me at the theatre (in a bad neighborhood, I have to find parking, he mentioned we'd "meet" there sometime, what did I think?)
yes. I do this with men who ask me out and then call to say they don't want to hassle driving all the way to pick me up, and can I make my own way and meet them there. I go super fast, "mmm, on second thought, I think I'll pass... anyway , got to go!", say it breeeezily, sweetly, light & airy. (practise on your plants!),
So instead of saying, "gee, I'd love to go, can you pick me up?" I'm simply to say, "mmm, no thanks, I think I'll pass on meeting you to see the play!"
noo, leave off the "meeting you at the paly/or whatever". say, airily, "mmm, I think I'll pass!" (short!). keep your sentences *short* (and breezy). light & airy. almost breathless. sweet & airy.
Will he think I'm not interested?
yes.
that's the whole idea! it will make him *more* interested in you, because you are more of a challenge, and you are obviously used to mcuh better treatment, from men, which will excite him, and make him do better.
Also, he loaned me a book (that I didn't want to read and I have no place to put in my crowded apt.) How long should I wait before mailing it back to his place of work (if we never see each other again, do I just keep it?)
don't mail it silently back. men will read this angry or resentful chick.
donate it to the Public library. airily. breezily. do it in a bubbly way. haha. or sell it and buy a cappucino with the money, and go have fun. pretend you don't know where the book is, if he calls for it.
he won't care. men don't think it's rude. only women do. he's a doctor, he can buy another copy. ;)
joliene!
"mmm...I'm just drying off, after a lavendar bath", is the answer of the week, to this question ("What's new?). it is actually the girls' homework assignment to say this to at least one man, this week, when he calls (more men, if more men call). ;)
(we will have a different homework assignment each week). ;)
pay attention! ")
cal gurl,
maybe I was too hard on your doctor date. calling him names.
maybe he is just a more casual guy. on his days off, he likes to relax and be spontaneous, and less structured. and focus on himself, and his wants, alone...
haha. I dunno, there I go...
give him a second chance, and hope he's not married or something (or maybe living with somebody?) (she had the cah for the day...so she could go to the spa).
I dunno. something sounds a leelte fishy...can't put my finga on it.
anyway, I was thinking about the book...you could loan it to a freind, if it's too big for your apartment. ;)
haha. if he asks, say, (airy & breezy & light), "ohh, I loaned it to fifi..." let your sentence trail off..."she loves it"...
crystal,
yes, I LOVED that poem part of GI Jane. It's the best poem.
It's a D.H. Lawrence poem. my favorite part of the movie (wasn't that a grueling movie?), was the very, very end scene (sshh! don't anybody tell what it is!).
yes, the poem was something about a wild thing. what is the title of that great poem?
scorpio1114,
Lily; I think I am in love with my boyfriend and I want him to treat me better. Also I feel that I may lose him, that I am not interesting enough for him. Please give me some advise on what I should do.
live your dreams. dream big. do your favorite things. go to your favorite, dream places. don't apologize to anyone. buy a great dress, some red lipstick, eat your fresh fruits & vegetables, and try not to have sex with guys too soon! (they like the anticipation).
Should I abstain from sex? We started that too soon.
if you stop now, he will never recover. it rarely works when a girl does it then stops. better to start all over with a new boyfreind, and hold off on sex as long as you can. try to wait 6 months.
(i'm waiting til i'm married).
never pursue your boyfreind.
yes, Fifi! "she looks like a flowah but she stings like a bee", that song must be about her...
jolienne,
whatevah the ansa, you did it with Fifi. lol.
she should apologize quickly and keep it super short and move on quickly to do soemthing fun. no long, involved talk about it. one nice, short sentence. =)
I recommend (I don't know what the Italian version is), "I want to apologize to you for over-reacting , last night/whenever".
princess katarina,
Lili*-
I don't have the kind of money that allows me to pick up and go on exotic vacations whenever I'd like, but I CAN do much more on my own behalf than I'm presently doing.
mmm...my post was mostly about this one point I was trying to get across to women: spend the money you would spend on therapy, on trips, or aromatherapy massages, and italian shoes instead. if you have the moolah to spend on suffering, you *have* the moolah to spend on JoY. ;)
spend the (therapy) money on joyful things you will remember for a LiFeTiMe, instead of spending it ($60-$150 per 50 minute sessions) on being miserable in therapy (none of it which will be memorable in a year, add joy to your life, or you will want to tell your *beautiful* grandchildren about).
it was an *instead* kinda thing-o.
I literally spent thousands of dollars on therapy, going over misery, with a fine tooth comb, plumbing it, exploring and expressing it, analyzing it, journaling about it, drawing about it, doing sand tray scenes about it, going to groups of the miserable, and thinking this all was the thing to do.
WHAT A WASTE OF TiMe & MONey.
oooooh, the italian shoes I could have bought!
the airline tickets! (it makes me nuts to think about!) (it makes me nuts it makesmenutsitmakesmenuts!)
for the exact same amount of money, I could have gone to Florence for a year!
I now see it all so different.
LiFe is for EnJoYiNg!
live it to the absolute fullest. squeeze all the JoY out of LiFe, wherever and whenever you are.
The World is Your Oyster. Enjoy your oyster. ")
joilienne,
lol!!! (yes, do that!) ")
taraanne23,
Hi Lili,
Serious dilemma here: Several days ago, I got an email from the ex LD bf(who I still love and am having the worst time trying to get over), requesting that I mail his things back.
have I not told girls here to never read e-mail from men??
lol. if you had followed my instructions, you would not be in this boat (!).
I wrote back to him saying that I wanted some things back from him. He replies that he threw all of my stuff away, and then went on and on about how he "still thinks about me" but has not contacted me since the last time we talked (2 months ago) I told him that I didn't need him to check up on me anymore (he went back to his old gf, and felt that he had to "check up" on me because he knew he had hurt me so much) Well, I was insulted to say the least, and was very angry (pre Rules) and said that it was not necessary for him to check up on me, and that I could take care of myself.
Show. Don't TELL.
lol!
Stop this and Go To The Gym right now.
after you work out, go buy a leopard print scarf (or gloves).
(this is the homework assignment of the week).
Well, sure enough, he did not contact me,
around and round and round...
...not even on my birthday,
around and around...
...although he says he "thought about me and wished me his best".
she's in Maytag Mode.
Then he went on about what he's been up to, his family, blah blah, how he knew I was doing so well, blah blah. I am really upset and hurt that he 1) threw all of my things away, and 2) he seems to be patronizing me because I am "doing so well" without him.
didn't I tell all you girls to stop reading men's e-mails?
I'm so upset that I can't even think straight.
To The Gym & The Shoe Store now.
I can do TR but when it comes to him,
roundy roundy...
...the relationship was SO open and honest that I think it was doomed to fail.
yes. stop this. learn to make up things. ;)
Do I respond to this email of his?
lol.
nooooo.
I kind of feel that if he was REALLY concerned about...
roundy roundy...
...how I was doing,
you cannot *think* your way out of it (that's why it's called "roundy roundy thots") (it's like a maze).
...he would have realized that I said...
and aroound...
...those thing out of anger and hurt, and if he really wanted to know how I was doing, he would have called me.
There is no way out, the way you are going. you are trapped in "roundy thoughts".
you have to *blank* all of these thots from your mind. if you follow each one, it will lead you to more and more convoluted, roundy roundy thots, all of which will make you miserable and crazed.
Go To The Gym. Blank out these thots from your mind. You must fill up on endorphins right now. You are running low.
Have I not *told* girls not to ever return an ex's things?
have I not *told* girls never to talk to an ex about returning "things"?
this is a prime example of why.
lol.
when you & a guy break up, pay an errand boy or girl (who knows niether of you and has no feelings whatsoever about either of you) to return the ex's things.
(you give the boy or girl the boxes of "things", the ex's adress & fone numba, and you leave the whole thing up to them. lol.)
you pay the errand boy/girl $10-$20 for the service, and you Go To Salsa Aerobix. ;)
mimi,
With all due respect Lili re returning things to an ex:
If I broke up with him, I knew about it and made a bundle of his things for him to take with him. One time, he made a big scene and I threw the bundle from the window. He stopped screaming and ran down to catch his things before they fell in the gutter.
this is the reason why I don't want girls to *return an ex's things" themselves. it is too traumatic for one or both of the parties. it is too, too emotionally charged. here, this fellow was traumatized by the event. and the nieghbors had a scene to watch. it is not dignified. a neutral errand boy/girl, who knows niether of you, and is just doing a simple, everyday errand is what I reccomend.
never read it. I think it must be similar to my theory that you should live as a mysterious, joyful love godess (don't turn down dates with younger men, foreign men, and any adoring men you can fill up your life with). Men's first impression of you should be that you are a love godess. ;)
adored and admired and sought after by many, many men. ;)
Marriage2000,
Remember the new doctor guy? The cocky player? We had a date about 5 months ago (Rulesy). He tried too much physical stuff on the first date. He moved out of the city for a while for some special training (for 9 months).
During this time he has had opportunity to visit me (weekends free) but never did.
He's not interested enough. Men who are interested in you don't act like this.
He sort of left after that first night without closing the door. I think he expected me to just play it cool about that night...to go out with others. If we were both around when he got back to town, we might go out then.
don't think about any of this. blank it from your mind. Go To The Gym.
Of course that was really hard for me...
When Men Don't Love Us, We Move On Very Quickly. (please, re-read The Rules a hundred more times).
... to put up with since I really liked him and thought we were very compatible. To his credit, he has called numerous times and sometimes several times on a weekend trying to pin me down. (I never accepted his phone # even when he tried to give it to me.)
When Men Are Interested They Want To See You.
(not call ya) (SEE you.) (they try to SEE you) (not e-mail ya. not call ya.)
They call and ask if they can travel to SEE you.
Anyway, I sent him a hi, hello email last week.
Never, and I mean never e-mail men.
He wrote back, said it was great to hear from me, etc. Then he called last night.
He always asks me if I have travel plans.
The man should be calling you to ask if he can travel to see You. He wants to make the effort for you.
And this time I said yes, I'm going to be in your city this weekend. So he asked me out -- "could I get away for a while." He also said "it was great to hear your voice again" and "I want to see you."
If he doesn't make the effort for You, you never know if he was just seeing you, because it was convenient for him and easy (you were dropping by his town), or if he was seriously interested in you.
I would not have volunteered that I would be in his town soon. Wait for him to ask if he can fly to see you. ;)
if he doesn't, he's *not that interested*.
He also asked me whether I had been seeing anyone since I'm so "popular and a social butterfly." To that I could only answer, "well it's been a rough couple of months, I mean weeks" "It's a little lonely since I don't know many people here."
Have you read The Rules ? (it's this book we're all talking about).
NEVER say this to an interested man. Dating should never be like therapy. Do not talk to men like they are your therapist, and they asked you a question, and you are in a session.
Men will totally turn off. They do not like negative girls. They like Happy, light & breezy girls.
We Never talk to men like they are our girlfreinds.
I know that was the wrong answer. Also, since I've been so down lately I wasn't my usualy cheerful, witty self. I felt like my brain was sitting on a shelf somewhere. Well anyway, I managed to get through the convo. and we sort of decided to meet on Sunday for lunch. Is this bad?
oh. hum...
I wouldn't go. If I were you, I'd call his machine and sweetly , light & airy & sweet cancel. mysteriously.
"oh gosh, I'd love to meet, but, something came up. gee, it sounded great. gosh, I wish I could make it, but I can't get free! anyway , it was great to hear from you! gotta run! bah bye!".
Wait for him to call YOU, and ask if He can fly out to visit you.
I know that a date resulted from my contacting him first. But I do think he is sincere in what he says. He's just not in any big hurry to secure my heart. In fact he let me go, almost predicting that I might hook up with someone else. He did nothing to stay in my life while he's away.
he likes you but he is not really interested. please, please don't pursue this. please.
I'm thinking I'll have a very brief meeting with him on Sunday. If that doesn't rouse his interest...
Never Try To Rouse a Man's Interest. It is up to the man to rouse the woman's interest. ;)
Marriage2000,
Dear Lili - he offered to come up and see me the day after Thanksgiving in case this meeting didn't work out. Should I just wait until then?
yes! this is great, by the way! but cancel the other date, in the exact way I showed, first. =)
it will help create a light & breezy impression, to erase the morose impression, it will create mystery (because you don't detail why you can't come), and it will give him an opportunity to miss or long, and to look forward, with anticipation (all of these things are very important), to seeing you!
Meanwhile, join a dating service, get a pedicure, and date others!
m2k,
I forget how old you are, but I was convinced I would never meet a man I liked who pursued me hard, and treated me like a princess.
(ask the other girls here!).
I knew this just would not happen to me. only to everyone else.
men, men, men were everywhere, pursuing me, but none were my type.
I cried about it here. lol. (ask all the girls).
But, now, in the prime of my life (we woon't say how young that is), I accidently, when I was least expecting it, met a man I'm intereted in who is whacko for me. He has done nothing but pursue me hard, continuously, and ardently. haha.
he acts like I am the fairy princess.
sooooo, you wait. it will happen to you, too. ;)
(oh, wait! he was a putz once. but he stopped) (noobody is perfect). but I still like him and he still adores me. ;)
where the hey is m2k? some girls ought to go visit her and cheer her up! ")
go get pedicures with her.
I know there are girls here who need to take an impromptu mystery trip, to shake up thier bf. lol!
go and visit m2k & olga! ")
m2k,
there is no reason to approach this man with enmity. there is nothing to "get back" at him for. lose this attitude toward men, and it will help draw men closer.
you are approaching him with quite a lot of enmity and resentment.
just keep busy & stop being angry at him, be warm and fun, when you see him.
I know it's easier said than done, sometimes, but look for the good in men, accept them as they are, enjoy them, or find other men you enjoy better.
men aren't the enemy on this topic board.
love them or float away from them, to find happiness elsewhere, but don't invest a lot in being angry at what they don't give you.
be open to what they do give you, and be open to other, more loving men.
if a particular man doesn't return your interest as intensely, it is nothing to take offense at. it's nothing personal , you just aren't his type. you are some other men's type.
you just have to be patient. and also put yourself where a lot of men are.
it's a numbers game.
gingersnap,
What if a guy appears as if he's interested, then the next minute he just looks right through you as if you were invisible. Is it cause he's intimidated or he thinks you're not interested?
Go To The Gym now . noo lie! join a 24 hour gym if you have to, but Go There Now. grab your Reeboks, your walkman, rose shampoo and go!
never think these thots. when they start, blank them out. EnJoY your LiFe.
these thots are the road to nowhere. the road to being drawn & exhausted. the road to cellulite.
Blank them out. or do these round & round thots while you are on the Treadmill, with your walkman, and hot, happy music that makes you feel alive!
take a hot shower after your work out, slather on Jasmine lotion, stop by the massage appointment desk, on your way out, and book a long, lingering aromathrapy massage for this Saturday night, if no guy has booked you for a date by tonite.
Go buy a leopard print scarf (or gloves) (or a leopard print bra & pany set) (don't wait til you have a boyfreind to buy these).
go get some highlights, and a great novel.
sign up for a Thai cooking for singles class. or a swing dance class.
Live!
forget these thots.
I have a hard time believing if a man REALLY wants you he will stop at nothing. That has never happened to me. Everyone keeps telling me that men need encouragement around "unapproachable, intimidating" women. Is this true?
encourage them by responding, flirtily, and confidently, when they approach you. be sweet & responsive. but don't talk a lot. sweep your fingers through your hair. wear intoxicating perfume.
remember you are wearing a leopard print bra. ;)
Enjoy LiFe. doon't worry about men. let them worry about you. ;)
You don't have to work at dating. that is for men. ;)
hihihi!
you girls are all doing great! (I was afraid to come here, thinking there would be a lot of depressing things going on!).
I'm glad to read so many of you girls are having fun now! ")
keep up the good work, and don't get lazy over the holidays! keep going to gym!
CrystalBell,
I am soo happy. It started 48 hours ago. I was at the gym when he called the first night...ooopps
Tonight while the phone is rrrinnnging off da hook..I'll be a soaking in almond oil.
Poor fella...when will he learn? :)
hee!
and, tonite, I too, will be soaking in an aromatherapy bath, by candlelight, when my bf calls, and the phones rrrrrrings, rrrrings. hee. ;)
("where is that mysterious woman!?")
hahah. ;)
swimmer chic,
I'm really good at getting to close, emotionally, too soon and end up scaring off guys. So I thought TR might help, and I'm slowing learning :) So besides being "light & breezy", how elese do I conduct myself on date #1?? And since he asked me to call him about what day I was free, do I??
nooooo! nononon! you don't *call* guys to tell them when you're free! nevah! they call you. don't touch that phone, or you're outta this club! lol! ;)
this is about being *hard to get*. (hard to get girls don't call up guys to tell them when they are free!). hello!?
uptowngurl,
sherri & ellen write that you should go! go! go! to *everything*! evrything where there are large numbers of people. go to gallery openings, tennis parties, go to every single thing you get invited to by anyone.
and, it *works*. it really does. it's definitely a numbers game.
I have never been very good at going to things that I didn't love, but I probably would have been married eons ago, if I did!
I am picky and go only to things I really love to do. I was adventurous, tho, and went to lots of things solo. that is how I met my current, boyfreind. I went to a gala thing, where I knew no one, because I was real interested in the thing.
so, it can work either way! but the most important thing, if you want to get married, is to Get Out There, where high numbers of new, strange people are, all the time. get out your datebook, and the newspaper, and ink in, at least 2 BIG events per month. One a week is better. I was doing that. I made a commitment to myself go to 2 to 4 Big (or gala) things every month of the year.
this included (for me) Big Weddings (never turn down a wedding invitation), and Big Gala Fundraiser dinners. Big Holiday Happenings (with lots of strangers!).
Charity Fundraiser Gala dinner events. very fancy. very many people. get highlights, wear your super colors, spritz on some perfume, and go!
make an entrance. everywhere. men don't fall down the chimney. also dating services. do both at once. keep going, out, out, out.
if you want to get married, you need to expose yourself to high numbers of people. it's a numbers game. it really is!
I say, pick things you Loove. there have to be causes you love that hold big, Gala Fundraiser dinners. call up, get on the mailing list. call museums, political causes, ecology centers, Chinese art centers, astronomy obsevatories, or whatever your thing is. get out the paper, comb it for ideas, and weekly listings of lectures, gala events, presentations, etc.. ;)
everybody's interested in something. so, I say, you can still be yourself. ;)
uptown,
the other thing I found was when I did the go! go! go! to *everything* you get invited to! advice, and went out frequently, at night, it made me feel fried, and zonked. after a time, all I wanted was to stay home and fuzzy jammies & eat take out in front of the tv. (I got tired of getting dressed up all the time!).
I fizzeld out and stopped doing it.
then, I discovered this secret that worked for me: stop going to everything you get invited to- stop going out 4-6 nights a week.
stay home and be cozy (I loove staying in at home and being cozy), most of the time, but ink in 2 to 4 BIG Gala events for each month. fancy, big affairs (weddings, formal fundraiser dinners). that way, I got to be myself, cocoon at home, most of the time, in fuzzy jammies, and enjoy it (very much!) (aahhhhh...), and I only had to get dressed up and go out 2 to 4 times a month.
I picked this method, also, because at BIG Gala events, the sheer number of people are higher.
I found I was exposed to new, strange people, in great numbers, yet didn't have to zonk myself out going out constantly.
it was a method I highly recommend.
sinceregirl,
Had a DZ with a MM guy last night. I knew right off the bat he wasn't my type. Here I was all decked out, (just off the Concorde) haha He was dressed VERY casuual... real into me, but I had no physical attraction to him.
drat =(
Here's my ?'s He did most of the talking.(GOOD) He asked me if I was dating others...I said yes (didn't know how to resond)
nononon! just smile mysteriously. go rent lots an lots of femme fatale movies, and see how girls do this. practice on your cat. practice in your mirror. ;)stir the ice in your drink with the little swizzle stick, flash him a flirtee look.
with men, mystery is everything.
everything. ;)
rent every movie Lauren Bacall was ever in. get some thai take out, fuzzy jammies, pop the videos in the vcr, and *study* them. ;)
if you can't muster *saying nothing*, the next best thing is to pause, quietly, smile mysteriously, throw him a flirtee look, and say, "mmm...maybe", and wink. stir your drink, femmily, with the swizzle stick (it draws attention to your prettee hands, and away from the question!). lol.
..He then asked when was the last date I had...I said 1 month ago (I know girls that was stupid to say) should of said "this afternoon" haha
nonon! You Do *Not* answer this. When we do The Rules , we are *not* an Open Book. Do not be an open & honest girl (they get dropped by men, and their husbands buy them vacum cleaners for their birthday!).
we are mysterious , and fem fem. ;)
Be a *woman-of-mystery*. ;)
He asked me about the guy I dated ...and I said he was a concert pianist, a music professor, and real sweet...but just wasn't for me
noooo!!! tie her to the camel! (you can say you date a concert pianist, because this is *way* cool and mysterious, but Never and I mean *Never*, never ever, ever, say, "but he just wasn't for me...") (!!!!). it is time for your lobotomy now.
he should think you are mysterious , and you date mysterious men, and they are rivetingly atrrrrractive, and luscious, and they are serious competition, and he is so lucky to be dating you. ;)
He kept saying he was "puzzeled" by me, because I wasn't talking...
GREAT! ("puzzled" means, "I find you mysterious ").
...said I was very reserved (DUH) (haha)...
Grrreat!!!! ("reserved" means, "I find you fine , so very fine...") (not a chatterbox on a date, like every other woman) ("and, this is soo refreshing to me").
he commented on my beauty, my beautiful lips, hair... etc... even said I was perfect...
oooh lalah...(lol). this is grreat! ")
...and then wanted to know if I was attracted to him...I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND
I never did answer him...what should I have said?
the answer does not lie in talktalk.
what you say is stir your drink, and smile, mysteriously, like a catgirl. reach out delicately for a white chocolate, wild berry tart (or whatever delicacy he has bought for you to impress you) (sauteed snails, or whatever). eat it delicately, and delicioulsy. say nothing.
a fem fem, never answers these akward questions.
he will be delighted.
...When you go on a blind date, if you know right from the 1st second that he's not it, do you run? or do you give him the courtesy of talking like I did?
you give him the courtesy of the date, and you be a lady. talk to Joy-Rose.
On a lighter note...after this date (which was at the MGM) since I was all dressed up...I went over to Paris...and walked around, had a cappucino with a french roll (delicious)
good! ;)
After Paris, met Fifi over at the Forum Shops (Caesars) where we went into Ann Taylor...Fifi helped me purchase some beautiful earrings, gloves, and a classy black beaded dress. That Fifi, she's quite a gal.
oooh, great! ooh lahlah! ;)
Have a DZ tonight with Producer Guy from MM (sounds good)... Hispanic (umm) say's people mistake him for Eric Estrada (aye...que bueno) into the music thing like me (i'm a songwriter)
excellent! =)
he loves to talk (haha) he called before Fifi and I walked into Caesars and I listened to him tell me all about his day, then said...gotta get goin' time to take a lavender bubble bath, read a good book, and turn in now... Buenos Noches :)
lol! =)
I was walking through the Forum Shops grinning ear to ear...saying to myself "That Lavender bath line is the best"
zee "lavendar bath" line is not my line. it is from one of our own brilliant girls here. ;)
it is a pure genius line. very fem fem. very interesting to men. ;)
everyone should use it. heehee. (men will think you are so interesting...)
uptown girl,
I wanted to thank you for making a HUGE difference in my dating life.
oooooh! ")
I have stopped giving long, detailed factual answers about my life to men ...
this is sooo important. this is sososososoooooooo great. this is grrrreat! it will make you fascinating to men. ;)
(the more you leave out, when you talk to them, the more fascinating they find you) (and the prettier). you become, almost like a movie star to them. ;)
I am light and playful - I talk about my lavender baths (I actually take lavender baths too!) I toss my long, beautifully highlighted hair, I wear my most beautiful colors for me.
yey! ") this is so very great. you will be verrrry popular with men.
I have started using words like "Silly!" and just learning how to flirt!
lol. ")
The difference is like night and day. Men are eating out of my hand ... I don't even know how to juggle all these men.
wooooooo! ")
The funny thing is -- I am more bootcamp than ever in terms of the actual rules -- but because I've learned how to be playful and fun and lightly teasing (in a cute way) - men don't mind the rules at all.
excellent.
Your posts also made me think about doing things to please myself ... to really have fun, pursue things I like and feel feminine.
this is all soo important! ")
It has also helped to look for the positive in a date. I used to focus on the 1 percent a man did wrong, and overlook the fact that he did so many wonderful things for me.
I wish every girl in the universe would have this epifany.
Anyway, I don't have a serious boyfriend yet - but I really feel I've come a long way. Thanks again!
yoo will soon! ")
(just never evah give *long, detailed, factual answers* to their questions) (no going on and on ) (men don't like it. when you do it, they loose their electricity for you). ;)
CAL_GIRL,
Hi Lili,
Two questions for you, please:
1. If we've had 3 dates, but none of them have been Sat. night, am I supposed to say "hmmm, I'll pass" if he asks me out again for NOT a Sat. night?
noo. never. go... "mmmmm..." (not "hmmm"). practise "mmmm...." (like "mmm...this ice cream is dreamy", "mmmm...aahhh...this lavendar bath is so, mmmm...aahh").
"mmm...." like you just tasted rich, chocolate truffles. like "mmmm....this diamond is soo sparkly!".
like "mmm...this massage feels great ".
"mmmm..." is fem fem. "hmmm..." is too serious. it's "hmm...I bounced a check, how did I do that?/ hmm...how do I work this computer problem.../hmm...what can I do about my bunions...my weeds..."
Practise "mmm..." on your plants.
"mmm...this velvet is sumptuous..."
"mmm...noh, I think i'll pass..." voice trails off dreamily, sweetly. ;)
if he has asked you out 3 times and none were saturday night dates, you are probably his #2 girl.
what night is he asking for? (monday? wednesday?) turn him mmmm...sweetly...aaahh...down...stay home, and watch video movies and slip into your lavendar satin pjs. ;)
spritz on some perfume. go "mmm...".
screen your calls. don't pick his calls up or return them for 2 weeks. ;)
(this will make him think you're more interesting & cute) (men are wierd!). lol.
theeeey Like it ! ;)
2. At what point (# months, or after so many dates) do I offer to pitch in for dinner / drinks / reciprocate re: making him dinner? TR1 says after the 3rd date; TR2 says after the 4th month. I'm afraid to just keep letting him pay, although a true CUAO wouldn't worry.
go by Rules 2. ;)
hihihi girls!
I've been so busy! I tried to pick my leopard print item o' the week and it took me forever to decide at the store...
going up the aisles, down the aisles, up the escalator, down...
up the elevator, wearing leopard gloves with the tags still on, down the elevator, scuffing around the store with cheetah slippers, zig zagging through the asiles in cheetah bras...
...going to the mirors, walking back and forth pulling the leopard suitcases...comparing the wheels...spending hours zipping and unzipping cheetah cosmetic bags...
Men are insane for women who have leopard things. ;)
and, i've been busy working on your homework assignment plans, new experiments with men, and working round the (leopard) clock, on my new business: bumper stickers that read, "I'd rather be taking a lavendar bath". ;)
then, there is so much to do!...designing the first ever leopard print princess phone, the Lavendar Bath Club gym sweatshirts, and the new, little leopard shaped soaps...
keep up the good work, and don't give men chicken soup!
rulesxo,
leopard shape soaps, i want one!!!
i'm working on the prototype.
bumper stickers, lololol :)
these will be causing car accidents all ovah the world. lol. ;)
(they will be a menace to society).
p.s. it took me a long time but i thought of 2 great things to dash off about my ex :)
great! what were they? mmmm? ;)
Thesphinx,
Thanks for the answer about not giving men chicken soup. How do I turn him down when he has the flu and asks for it?
he asks for chicken soup?
We Are Not Yo Momma. ;)
lol.
if yoo are not even engaged to man, noooo chicken soup!
say, mmm...say...
"mmmmmm...oooh, i'd loove to hon, but I'm just rushing out to my dance class! Monique and I bought these great new leotards! we spent hours trying on leotards together , yesterday! aw, I hope you feel better soon!".
Tell Men Things That Are Truly Interesting To Them (even if you have to make them up!).
when he hears *this* his mind will become engaged, and his spirit will rise, and he will start to feel bettah already. ;)
if you want to heal the sick, this is how. ;)
he will dream of you all day. then, he will get his sistah or his mom to bring him zee soup.
femme fatales do not bring chicken soup. ;)
Thesphinx,
Lili Ok, leopard prints and no chicken soup...got it... Now, what if I'm the one who's really sick...if he doesn't offer to bring me chicken soup, does this mean I'm not his dreamgirl?
what does he bring you? cough syrup & a leetle pink teddy bear? he should bring you something. Thai food. arnorld shwartzenagar rented movies...re-runs of his favorite football games...a chocolate rose...
Or is this just a guy thing about not dealing well with weakness/illness/death and I let it go L&B.
a guy who brings you nothing does not love you. is not impressed with you. no matta what he sez .
drop him pronto!
he should at least be offering to come over and rub your little feet, while you are sick.
sphinxgirl,
he should be begging to come ovah and make you fresh chicken soup, with ginger & garlic and lemon (I had a guy do this once!), and he should be telling you all about the healing powers of the soup.
he should bring you vitamins, or vick's vaporub, or make you green tea or bring you chocolate pretzels.
he should do something . when they looove you, they cannot bear to see you suffer with a flu. a princess with a flu. what can I do ? he will be asking himself. he will be racking his brain.
he will drive all over town to get you your favorite things. cherry flavored cough drops. a cool Sade CD. Some ginger drops, some hot spiced chicken from the restaurant you went to on your first date.
so, is rubbing a guys feet out?
yes! we do not do this!
A & W - he reacted by saying "Oh really? how nice!"
lol! ")
yes, they think we are so nice , when we say things like this! ")
they think we are cuter & smarter than other girls. they think we are sexier. they think we are cool .
this is a good one! I'm going to say this to my bf the next time he calls. ;)
Seela,
Lili*... I understand your point, but is it too familiar for a guy you're not engaged to to drop by when you're sick?
mmm...me, I don't evah let guys i'm majorly interested in see me sick. unless we're are exclusive and *very* serious.
I let the ones i'm so-so on, wait on me, tho. ;)
you have to put on lipstick, tho! red. and wear pearls (or fake ones) with your pjs. you have to have cool pjs. like pink satin or pink fuzzy, or silk jammies.
or chinese jammies or jungle print jammies.
spritz on some perfume, some red lipstick, put your hair up in a scrunchie. ask for your favorite video movies and girl magazines (get what you want!).
be bold. tell him what delicasies you need to get well. hot, spiced, ginger chicken from the place so far away, or fresh squeezed OJ (guys are only happy to make this for thier very own damsel in distress).
When I'm sick I look like h*&l. Flat dirty hair, glasses, no makeup... you get the picture... I'm not sure I want ANY guy to see me looking like this unless we're married!
noo, you must crawl across the floor and get lipstick.
I'm not against a guy seeing me without makeup, but being sick is different.
Is this really okay? Seems to go against the "be mysterious" thing.
you cannot let yourself completely go, if a guy- any guy- is coming over to bring you cough drops!:o
Auberge,
Hi, Lili,
Need your wise input on this one. My ex just called me last night, more than a year since I broke it off with him.
mmm...
(The backstory: After we had been together a year and a half, he moved to another state, some 1000 miles away, for a job, but kept calling me.
I hope you acted *happy* and *breezy*, like I told lampost-girl to! ;)
He asked me to move out there with him to live with him, but when I told him I didn't believe in living together, he didn't mention marriage.
I hope you told him this, all sweet & light (and didn't act all serious or go on and on). ;)
I eventually told him to quit calling me, because it was frustrating he wouldn't take it further after 18 months.
oooh. cringe. (cringe cringe). double cringe. eek! triple cringe. noooo! nononon!
nevah say this!:o
Plus at one point he said he would come visit me and then didn't show up the appointed weekend.)
I hope you acted light & happy, and got super busy buffng up your bod at the gym, and going out with girlfreinds. ;)
I hope you nevah said a word about it, and were super hard to reach, afta that. ;)
Until last night I hadn't heard from him for more than a year. (It took a while for him to quit calling, but when I was firm, he did.)
mmm...hmmm...
Anyway, he is going to be in town for the next couple of days on business and wants to have dinner. I was so startled to hear from him, I said "ok." (After a loooong pause, I should note.)
mmm... only go if you look extra, triple hot (bettah than when he last saw you) ;)
mmm...and only go if when he was calling you all those times, he asked several times to come fly to visit you. ;)
if he didn't (and/or asked you to come visit him) (bleh), then doon't go!
Did I do wrong?
depends on the details. we need deetails!
if you go, dress hot. go to the beauty salon and get The Works.
be breezy, and stay to *positive* topics. tell him only the positive things you've been up to, and don't tell him anything any bad thing that has happened to you since you saw him last. (no complaining about *anything*, no being an Open Book, and talking to him like he's a girlfreind! no going on and on about anything.)
if you don't go, call his machine and leave a super sweet, breezy message, about how you'd Looove to see him, it was grreat, to hear from him, but, oh gosh, you just can't make it (noo explanation) (mystery!).
mystery, mystery, mystery. it is what they want.
it is what they LIKE! ")
get to the Gym now! if you don't belong to one, go join a 24 hour Gym now. go, whatever time it is, and however bad you feel. go no matta what you think. go. force yourself.
do some aerobic excersize. it will combat this depression. do a good work out, and it will give you a hit of endorphins.
you have to change your brain chemistry. noo lie.
you can't get out of these dark feelings, by thoughts or feelings , but by actions. by making yourself do actions you don't feel like.
it will get better.
dixie pixie,
Lili*
Did you forget about me??
nooo. lol. I have saved many posts of girls problems, to ansa laytah. I have an aromatherapy bath to get into, and many prototypes of things i'm inventing, to work on. ;)
i'm a busy bee. ")
I'm trying to erase some bad conversations with guys who answered my personals and were rude to me...advice?
you mean you are trying to blank them out of your mind? this is excellent. if it's not working, just go to the gym. aerobix. jump around. it's okey to have roundy thots, as long as you just go, "oh, these are roundy thots. of no real importance whatsoevah", and as long as you multi-task while they're going round & round (like a Maytag). multi-task. get on the treadmill at the gym, while you read Glamour (or other gurl magazines) (buy an armload) (I garauntee they will distract you), and listen to hot, happy music on your sports Walkman, all at the same time. tread on the treadmill, and look at Gurl mags.
Also, remind us of what men want to hear??
they don't want to hear anything! lol.
except, "ooooh...aaahhh...ooooh...ohhhh...ah..ahh..aahhhhhhh..." lol. (this is their favorite thing to hear from us. ;)
(ideally, this would be all we said)
or they like to hear, "I'm on the balcony with Monique , and she is painting my toenails. we both have our *new bikinis* on".
lol.
little pixie,
I already did go to the gym, though. I guess I just didn't have such a great day...not too positive.
but did you multi-task when you were there?? did you listen to hot, happy, sassy, music (gurl music) on your Walkman, while you worked out, and read armloads of Glamour or Vogue, while you ran on the treadmill?
did you bring Aveda shampoos, and lotions, in your gym bag? do you have any in your gym locker in a jungle print cosmetics bag? you really need these things when you are in a funk. you need these deetails.
when you opened your gym locker, is the whole inside of yur locker taped up with semi-nude pictures of hunky guys? (you can cut them out of magazines). or buy 8x10 glossys of your favorite, movie star guys, smiling at you. tape them inside your locker. what is in your locker, pixi? you must not have the right things in there.
do you have gym shower shoes, that are cuter than any otha girls"? pink, flowa ones? or periwinkle ones? are they new & shiny?
throw away your old ones! get the candy wrappers outta there! clean it out! your homework is to get pictures for your locker. and new showah shoes. fem fem ones. hold nothing back. and stock your gym cosmetic bag with little sample sizes of fancy shampoos & lotions you never tried. the mind needs novelty.
do you have a sports Walkman? do you cruise by the massage appointment counter, and make little massage appointments (bettah than Prozac!)?
ask for a book of massage appointment coupons for christmas. ")
(you can even get these litle 30 minute appointment things).
go for the glamour, at the gym. work out harder too. if this funk persists, sign up for a *new* class in something yoou've nevah done at the gym. the mind & body need novelty to get out of a funk.
Thesphinx,
my theory is just the opposite of the above theory.
What do you say to a guy who's serious about you and you him, if he asks you how many guys you've slept with?
never answer it. noo lie. calmly don't say anything and go make some green tea, or a soufle. go water your daises and sing. smooth your hair, sensuously, call a girlfreind up, while you make an omelet. calmly ignore this ungentlemanly question.
if you cannot do this, then lie. the best answer is "none yet". ;)
if you can't do that, then give an answer between 1-3.
never tell the truth.
there is nothing wrong with men for being upset about the girl they love having slept with other men.
Should we ask them the same? I mean, should we know, both for health reasons and to get a handle on their behavior?
don't ask it. 99% of men will lie about it. this is very very well researched. they'll lower the number.
don't ask. it's a tacky question.
Mura,
Hi Ms. Lili,
I have been assimalated--I took a lavender bath last night, and today I joined the gym at work and worked out on my lunch break!!!
hi! ")
welcome to our sparkly universe!
please take all this serious debate & discussion of the madonna/whore complex off this board.
take it to a debate board or a sex board.
this is a light & sparkly & happy board.
(we also don't get all angry at men & criticisize them here. take it to another board, please.)
ability and wisdom,
Lili*-
thank you for your advice on going to work out when you are feeling blue. I know you have said it 100 times, and I do work out regularly, but have not gone for the last two weeks cause I was under the weather. Anyhow I was feeling a little blue so I went to the gym. I was about 20 min into my cardio and I was thinking, you know that lili* girl is SOOO smart. I am going to thank her tommorow. I feel so much better! And to top it all off I returned home I had 3 messages from 3 men awaiting me. it was a CUAO moment. =)
oh, yey! lol. ")
Sammy,
Hi Lilli:
I know it is a philosophy of yours to *enjoy* men and *appreciate* men. How do you handle it when your bf does things that bug you? Do you ever have trouble with that sort of thing?
yes, I have trouble with it. but there are no men who won't do things that bug you.
you have to accept it, and ignore them when they do it. go make an omelet. go water your daisies. go clean your kitchn, and make some Thai iced tea, and turn on some great music. just walk away from them and get busy, in a happy way, with something else.
this way they learn, without you complaining or focusing on it, that if they want your attention, they don't get it when they do x,y,z.
don't complain. don't focus on it. don't try to change them.
if he does it at a resstaurant, get out your cell phone and happily call a girfreind, to invite her to spin class, later, and put on some lipstick, or go wander around and admire the view or the art at the restaurant.
if he does it at your place, go make an omelet, or tea, and sing or call girlfreinds.
if he does it at his place, ignore him, too. pick up a magazine and start reading, or go over to hs cd collection and pick some great music to put on. go to his kitchen and raid his refrigerator.
or just end the date early, and sweetly.
with noooo explanation. don't *focus* on it.
I love my bf and I truly want to aprreciate him. However, sometimes he does things that bug me. I don't know how to *not* let it bother me. My instinct is to correct him, nag him, tell him he's bugging me, etc. But I know that is the wrong thing to do.
yes, it's wrong to do!
How do I deal with this? How can I look past this? Or should I?
decide if you want to break up withhim over it or not. then either do it or don't do it.
go to the gym. go to a dance class. go to a bookstore. get a book from Oprah's book club. just go. just go do something else when he does "the thing". go in a breezy way.
don't fret so much! go out with him and have a great date! you already accepted! ")
have fun!!!!! stop all this worrying about counting everything! it is *not* what makes or breaks a romance!
sinceregirl,
Two weeks ago on (Thurs night) I had a DZ with a guy from MatchMaker (he emailed me 1st)
We met at Starbucks, after talking 15 minutes, he suggested we go for dinner...and we did.
All went well by TR.
Exactly 1 week after our DZ...he called ( Thanksgiving eve) got my voice mail...left his #...and asked me to give him a call on Thanksgiving (I didn't)
it was fine not to call on Thanksgiving; it was koo koo of him to expect you to be free enough on a major holiday to remembah.
So exactly 1 more week goes by from his 1st call (last night)...he called, got voice mail again...left another message
Hi...This is xxxxx calling to touch base...You can reach me at xxxx...I hope you call.
Do I still continue to "NOT CALL" even though this is his 2nd attempt...
you call!! it is soo rude to ignore two calls from a perfectly nice guy.
...can I call when I think he won't be there?
sure.
Lili* is a longtime poster on this site. She has a very distinctive writing style and personality and thus has drawn a crowd of fans around her. She has absorbed relationship advice from several sources. Noteably Herb Goldberg, John Gray and The Rules. She has had personal consultations with E&S. She had conglomerated all of this plus what she's learned through trial and error into her own personal philisophy. From that she dispenses advice on this board, which tend to be nuts and bolts, action oriented type stuff. She's not a big fan of over-thinking or analyzing issues.
I'd sum up her philosphy by saying, appreciate men for what they are or move on and find a new man. Be mysterious and playful. Be feminine in looks as well as actions. Never spend valuable energy worrying about any guy or any relationship. Buy shoes instead.
I'm speaking for her (excuse the 3rd person Lili*) because I know she generally takes a break from the boards for at least part of the weekend but she'll be back. Scroll back and read her posts and you'll get the idea for now.
jolina,
return his phone calls. don't initiate calls to men, but do acknowledge and return them. don't jump to instantly return them but return them within 24-48 hrs. don't return every single one , but return 75-80% of them.
unless you can't stand him (that's the only reason to never return or acknowledge a man's calls).
nicky9,
hi! mmm...I understand the gym clothes thing! mmm...get super cute, femmy sweatpants & tops, from Victoria's Secret catalogues. they make dozens. much cuter. bright, fem colors, and the pieces have nicer, more feminine lines.
this is where I buy my gym clothes. promise me you won't buy sweat clothes at a sporting goods store or department store. they will be too ordinary and saggy or dull.
wear fem sweat clothes from Victoria's Secret, until you get into killer shape. ;)
then, start transitioning out of them, into leggings & leotards and cuter, stretchy, tight tops, as you get more into condition.
VS catalogues are full of holiday stuff now (velvet & sequin party clothes & pjs), but soon the catalogues will go back to the normal stock, and you can pick from lots of cute gym clothes.
like, the sweatshirts have much nicer details and more elegant cuts (you have to look thru a lot of them). nicer colorz. nicer proportions.
make sure all of you gym accesories are way cute. ;)
(your showa shoes, femmy & new, your water bottle new & cute, your gym & cosmetic bags). get nice, cute, fem gym shoes (new & clean- never wear them anywhere but inside the gym).
tape pichers of hansome, semi-nude men inside your locker. it will make you cool. ;)
use fabulous smelling products for & afta gym showa, to exude CUAO, in the locka & showa rooms. ;)
be persistent, and work out routinely, and be discliplined. ;) this will make you hothot.
noooo donuts. lol. carrots. spinach. ;)
jezze,
victoria's secret doesn't have the gymwear on the website. you have to get the catalogues. they're in there. you'll get tons an tons of sale catalogues on everything- that they only send to people on the catalogue list. big savings!!
I love this one sweatshirt they have (in lots of colors). it has nice lines. it has a soft shoulder line- elegant...and it zips. I like the shoulder line. and it's real comfy. it's loose- not binding anywhere- so you can move freely- but it's not dumpy loose. it's cute. ;)
it's official. my boyfriend has a brain tumor. we talked last nite, and he kept bringing up marriage. so, I responded to the topic (for the first time evah!) (I always ignore it when he brings up this topic) (he brings it up ovah & ovah). so, I pay attention to it, and ask him some questions, and he flips out, and starts telling me to back off. excuse meee for responding to the topic! YOU brought it up. (for only the zillionth time). jeeze.
what a kook! forget him. I'm not answering my phone for a week. ;)
I'm going to de-focus on the nut that he apparantly is, focus on sculpting my bod , get some *new* gym leggings & hot stretch tops...let's see...I need *new* gym shoes & showah shoos...
and, I'm going to double up on my *work* hours ;)
yes, I'm going to do that. lol! i'm going to build an empire. can't touch this!
new highlites...new ankle boots...mmm...more chick movies with my freinds...hahaaaha.
lol.
ooooh, he iz in trouble (with a capital "T") now. lol.
yes, just be insane, baby. you just be that. ;)
dixie pixie,
What kind of ankle boots are you interested in? Spikey heels??
noo. noo spikey heels for me! comfy, cute ankle boots. (I wear them with long skirts).
my bf is not going to be able to reach me for awhile. ;)
he will try & try. lol. but where IS that girl?
yes, we will make a pact: to ignore those silly boys. we will not pay *rapt* attention to thier wierdness. ;)
katarina,
Lili*- I admire you for your great attitude. I wouldn't be too pleased if I had avoided his marriage talk for *months* and the ONE time you respond at all, he acts like that.
he acted like a nut! HE brought up the stupid topic! (he brings it up almost every time we talk or see each other!). I figured, "hey, why not respond to him for a change?" (hee!).
well, excuuuse me , for showing any interest in the topik!!! gee whiz!
WHATEVER! I have other fish to fry. ;) thighs to sculpt, toes to paint, books to read, movies to see. ;)
what a nut he is. FINE! whatever. I will show no interest in the topic, as before. ;)
he likes it! men are insane!
the hilarious thing is, right after he flipped, and told me to back off (he wasn't near ready to talk about getting married, he barked on and on) (???!!) (whatever kookoo honey) ;)
...he started again . marriagemarriage, what he could have done differently in dating me, that would have trapped me and pinned me down faster to marry him.
lol.
what a nut!
(naturally, I ignored the topic) (got some pomegranite lotus juice!) (with heart shaped ice cubes) (sorry, hon, I can't hear you, the ice cubes are clinking so much!). heehee!
You have class! How do you keep yourself from being mad?
the funny thing is, I wasn't that mad at him. more mad at myself for being too *agressive* (by actually responding and paying rapt attention to his topic) (and then -EEK!- I went on and on about some *thing* he said) (cringe! cringe!):o
I came to my senses and stopped it. but, gosh, it is unbelievable how quickly a girl can do this, and not even notice and stop it!! it happens so fast !
Or are you mad inside, but your actual *response* is nonchalant unavailability?
I'm mad at myself! I was breaking tons of femmy gurl rules, last nite. arr!!!
:p
In any event, I hand it to you for how you're playing it out!!
I'm not going to pay any atention to him. let him *work* for my attention. it's What He LIKES!
(wierd. men are soo different!!)
I'm nowhere to be found on the planet. ;)
let him be koo koo. yes, baby, you just go be koo koo. lol!
where is she?
where is she? oh-my-god! where is she? did she meet someone else???
hahhhHAHHA!
I have every momment packed with something to do tomorrow. ;)
practical things, fun things, all kinds of things. even an aromatherapy bath by glowing candle light. phone under the pillow. heehee. i'm going to twinkle my pink toes in my spa. ;)
i'm not worried about it. mostly because i'm waiting until marriage to have sex. ;)
so, i'm not getting inappropriately *intimate* with some man who's going to break my heart or *play* with me!
it makes me feel very secure. snuggly and secure.
he knows when his time is up. ;)
(because, I don't date men that long)
mmmm...time to go turn off zee phone. ;) and, aaahhh...run zee bath...
HAAAAH!! I'm going to have fun with this bf!
I will be my own pink lab rat #5. ;) I will report on zee results...to the gurls.
my $0.02 on animal prints--
It doesn't matter if they're in fashion or not . . . worn tastefully--as an accent, for example--they will always look nice.
The point is that men, for some reason, find them irresistable . . . even if it's because it's rare to see a woman wearing them.
Anyways, guys seem to care less about the "fashion" of it all and just notice what appeals to them = animal prints.
SweetPetite,
Lili, Sherrie told me not to allow ex contact with me for 30 days. Today makes 21. He has emailed me twice (once to offer me a ride to work asking me to call him and once to invite me to a party this weekend), left 4 messages (2 on voicemail and 2 with aol) and now he has emailed AGAIN this time asking "Can you tell me why you're mad at me?". I don't want to break the 30 day rule but I'm feeling like perhaps a response is in order now.
nooooo! noooo! ignore it happily ! get busy, stay busy doing *upbeat* things and lots and lots of them, that keep you so busy, you barely have time to think about this. aerobix. now! shopping!
When he does reach me after 30 days I'm supposed to tell him "You're a wonderful guy but I don't think being good friends is really an appropriate relationship right now. Good luck with school, job and new girlfriend. Buh bye." But I'm having trouble getting ready to say that because, in some sense, I dont want that closure. I always imagined the rules would make it better- not weed him out.
The Rules will make it better- it won't weed him out. if you do what sherri says, it will create a challenge , which he will *enjoy*. if he wants you & he loves you, he will *rise* to the challenge (with excitement). Men Are Not Wired Like Us.
Do as sherri says. You don't get it yet. but she is right. it's called being hard to get . ;)
these kind of girls are relished by men.
I think I SHOULD wait one more week and then perhaps I will be strong enough to tell him those things. What do you suggest?
do as she says! and act *happy* and *light* and sweet and *breezy* and *breezy* and *breezy*. don't act like an Open & Honest girl, or go on and on about anything.
it will all be fine!
rollercheetah,
Wow I didn' expect to take up this board all day with my little problem, sorry gals!
nonon! this is a *good* problem to take up our time with!
I'm confused by all the advice. My heart tells me to ignore him for a week or two, and then go from there.
yes, you must ignore him for 2 weeks: noo dates. ;) noo e-mails, no phone calls or messages. nada. ;)
it will terrify him. lol. this is what we want. it is good . good for love.
But all the gals here think he should be a definite next.
next him or no. you could do a Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet now. ;)
If you were exclusive, when he said it, then definitely stop being exclusive. demote him, sweetly, and breezily, while donning leopard gloves. lipstick and perfume.
tell him, you want to date others, too. ;)
lol.
LOL.
I do feel he should know that I thought he was mean.
nonon! down girl! nooo! do not do this. Do Not Do This. It is the dumbest thing you could do. noo lie.
if you do it, it is 100% garaunteed that you will get treated worse.
do not Do It! because doing it is Paying Rapt Attention to it. which is a big no-no in our club. We nevah pay rapt attention when men do things that we don't like!
if you are an Open & Honest Girl, and say what you truly feel, and focus on it (focus on men's bad treatement of you), he will think less and less and less of you.
We Ignore Men When They Hurt Us. We Are Nowhere On The Planet To Be Found. ;)
(and we have *fun* doing it! we fill up our time with *fun* things!)
I don't know yet.....but I'll ignore him until I make a decision.
if you are an open book (where have you heard these words before?), and tell him how hurt you are, and how mean you think it was blah blah, you will lose.
Get Distant , and get happy, and get buff, and get *hot* so hothot, and sign up for dance or personal training or Sky Diving (this will terrify him more!) (because sky diving is so full of men ). lol.
sign up for scuba diving class (more men men menmen- it will totally terrify him).
sign up for Latin Dancing. do ANY of these things, in lieu of the (dumbdumb) telling him how mean it was and how hurt I was.
The antidote is terror. not *honesty*.
terror is what puts an *end* to this. ;) not "open and honest" communication, telling all, or being an open book ).
it is very unmysterious and very un- attitude , to confront him with your blah blah (you hurt me, blah blah, you are mean, why are you, how could you?) (blah, blah, blah) (why do you think they call it blah ?) (hmm? ever thought about that?).
here iz some excellent advice from limabean!
"I would just disappear, don't answer phone calls. You are suddenly busy/distracted/not interested in him.
And then get very busy! Go to the gym, shop, do the things you've always wanted to do like take salsa dancing, start a degree program, plan and take a trip!".
start booking that next cruise. at least book your summer cruise. or sign up for a climbing wall class ( terrifying men menmen) but Do The Unexpected. and Do It Now. And do it with flair . ;)
say, "princess katarina to you ",
;)
In particular, I *always* paid rapt attention to men when they hurt me.
me too. I even did it to my bf the last time we talked (the koo koo convo!). it is so insidious. it is is hard to stop, even when you know it's the wrong thing to do, and you totally get it. it can happen so fast . before you know it, you are paying rapt attention, and sticking to it like glue (and thereby sending the wrong message) .
What to do instead (ignoring, distancing, etc.) makes all the sense in the world to me now, but it never once occured to me before I read this board.
so funny! it never occured to me before I read Sherrie & Ellen, or listened to them.
ever.
I am a former dweeb girl. I still have bouts of it. I think of it like seizures , now.
when I do it, I just have to wince and then super fast, get back on track (cheetah track).
you have to PIck YOur Self Up Dust YOurself Off, and TrY AgaiN.
(my new favorite song!!!!!!!) ")
I play it ovah and ovah. ;)
turn on your radio gurl!
hmmmmmMMm rulesxo,
leopard is ovah?? :) you mean it's lace now? or is it furry pompoms like i wanted?
mmm...shakinglikemilk,
I don't know what's up next, but if you want to wear furry pompoms, you wear 'em! If they don't happen to be what everyone else is wearing, that'll make you even more the CUAO.
did anyone catch the furry pom poms scarf Elaine wrapped around herself, when she dropped her new guy (on Ally McBeal, last nite?).
it was soooo flirty & sexy. it was sooo delicate and flirty and sooooo....
rollercheetah,
Lili,
Thanks for your advice, but I'm not happy ignoring my bf right now. I guess because it is the holiday season.
you must do it, even if you are not happy doing it. you must train your brain to *ignore* males who hurtcha. do it even tho it feels un natural and difficult. because then you will retrain yor deep inner reccess of your brain, to have this reflex.
but seriosly, gurl, how much are you excersizing?? I sense your endorfins are running low. check your endorphometer right now.
when yu have the holiday blues or man blues, THAT is the time to get to the Gym (she sez ovah and ovah).
get a pedicure (I know it sounds lame but it is not). cherry red, candle apple red toenails. soft as silk feet. you need these things when you get into a funk state o mind. it will have a powerful effect on your brain chemistry and change it.
rent funny movies. buy new jammies. treat yourself to your favorite thai food, and stop cooking. treat yoself like a god-ess.
R U happy when u r ignoring your bf?
yes. right now I am. because I am so *busy* I don't have time to obsess on him and what does it mean and why did he say that, and what is going on, and blah blah (roundy thots).
I honestly have noooo time!
there have been other times ignoring him was very hard. very very. but it is imperative that you do it!
roller, you don't want a guy who would tell you you aren't a smokin hot girl. your bf should find you the most smokin hot of girls. he should be insane for you.
when a guy says cocky things to you, something is seriously wrong with your romance.
get mysterious now. very.
Do The Unexpected now, roller. You don't want to do the expected, same ol, same ol, rollergirl, to a guy with things like this rolling off his tongue.
he expects you to come complaining, and explaining, and focus focus on it like glue. like a magnet. like a moth to a flame.
doooon't!
Go to New Orleans for christmas. go to Italy for Christmas. ditch your family plans and do something Unexpected. book a christmas week cruise. a singles, christmas cruise. put it on your credit card (or your daddy's).
Now is the time to throw caution to the wind.
obey me now. lol.
Remembah, if you are an Open & Honest girl (an open book girl), you will get married to a guy who buys you vacum cleaners for christmas. we don't want that!
there are so many fabulous posts here! I am 100s of post behind!
keep up the great work!
I'll catchya later- I have to work!
homework assignment for the week:
buy something with pom poms (sensusous one, like fur, or silky, delicate fur), or buy yourself fur lined, femmy gloves.
extra credit assignment:
go through magazines and tear out semi nude pichurs of hansome, sexy men and tape them inside your gym locker. desgin and home decorating magazines have *a lot* of ads for beautiful showers, and have great pichurs of alluring men in zee shower. ditto fluffy towel company ads. men toweling off, glistening wet, muscles rippling. ;)
J.Crew catalogues have great pages you can tear out (look in the undies or men's jammie section) (men with jammie bottoms on, shirtless. men getting out of the showah, drying off, and other great pages).
don't be frightened of this assignment.
you need these things to cheer yourself up, when you open your gym locker.
(it will amaze other girls, too. they will think you're cool).
roller,
are yu and your bf dating exclusivly? if so, stop ! get distant and add him to the mix.
announce, femmily & breezy like, that you are going to start dating others more. you think you got involved too quickly, and you don't want anything too serious now, you just want to lite date a lot of people.
this will terrify him.
he will *never* talk to you like that again. ;)
the more i think about it, the more terrible this thing is he said. it's tooo terrible.
take action. not blah blah.
okey, everybody, please post links, here for all the gurls, to fem fem leopard gloves, pom pom things, and leopard flight bags, and things of this nature, when you come across them in your on-line shopping!
we need these links as a regular part of our board. ;)
rollercheetah,
I was thinking about it more in the shower; the more an more I think about it, the more I change my mind to this:
yep, you should've bought the shirt right after he said it. and then drop him same day.
what he said is a *real* bad sign of things.
if you haven't done so yet, go right out and buy the shirt, wear it everywhere (guys will love it!!) (you will get more new boyfriends so fast, when you wear it), and drop this bf right now. it's a *no brainer* type thing.
no *relationship talks*. no looong, blah blah blah (why do you think they call it "blah"?) talks.
1 short, sweet sentence. nip this in the bud.
this all expresses *attitude*. which is what you need to succeed at LoVe. ;)
do it now. don't delay. don't overthink it.
sciencgal,
do nothing. We Don't Try to Change Men. and we don't live to point out what they need to correct. ;)
summerain,
all of the advice for you is already on this board. pull up a hot buttered rum, and get out your down comforter and read. maybe on sunday.
please, summer, don't post in bad language on this board.
the mistake you made was to pay *rapt* attention to him, when he was cocky and rude!
(this cause him to feel freere an freer to do it)
We nevah pay *rapt atention* to men who hurt us. evah. evah, evah.
We ignore them. ;)
totally.
writing him that e-mail is what garautees 100% that you will get treated worse and worse. ditto talking to him about your *true* feelings on the phone, and your *true* thoughts.
when you do, men don't hear the message of Pride you think you're sending. they hear, "I'm a loser chick". honest to god.
they hear the polar opposite of what you intend to send.
why?
because a girl who truely felt good about herself would never e-mail to him telling him how she felt, or stay on the phone with him paying rapt attention to what he was saying!
she wouldn't talk about any of this at all. she would be gone, with *no* strife or angst whatsoever. none. zippo. she wouldn't get angry . she wouldn't stick on it like glue. like a magnet. like a moth to a flame.
she would nevah *announce* her self worth. she would just LiVe it. ;)
it's very, very difficult for girls to understand, before they have the epifanny.
your mind will protest this, what i'm saying to you, like all get out. but it is true.
a fly girl wouldn't give him the time of day. ;)
you BE that fly girl. ;)
summer,
writing him that e-mail is paying "rapt" attention.
telling him off on the fone, is also known as *paying rapt attention* (otherwise known as "sticking like glue").
sticking like glue to bad behavior.
sticking like glue to bad behavior produces more an more and moremoremore bad behavior from men.
unstick yourself. go to the gym or the shopping mall. ;)
lizzy,
get superhot, black or silver strappy flats. or gold (depending on your dress). get classy flat (or nearly flat), metalic, chic strappy shoes. or black strappy.
or red. depending on the dress. look in the Victoria's Secret catalogues for these kind of shoes. fem fem, sexy. or other very glam flats. ;)
you can have them rush mailed.
oh, but this is a fab post!!!
you are tall. if the best shoes you have are heels, fine. be tall. be your beautiful self. don't shrink to fit somebody else's vision. if a man's eyes can't encompass your glory all of a whole he is not for you. the gods made you tall, stand up straight and wear what looks best on you.
lol! LoVe iT! ")
okey. you have two opinions.
I think we should get faux fur. ")
science,
we never help men.
correcting him about his tipping practises is helping men.
we never help men.
why?
because it is biologically wrong. females don't rush to help males. they only rush to help thier babies.
the males help females. that is how they are designed. there is a design. naturally. don't mess with it or do it backwards. ;)
red,
it's the only thing that works. ;)
don't stick like glue. like mad glue. or like hurt glue. or like crazy glue. to topix or behaviors you could live without.
tiredofbull-cheetah cub,
To make a long story short, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 16 months today. The Sunday before Thanksgiving, I found out he was cheating on me...his other girlfriend called me...Anyway, stupid me gave him another chance after he told me he made a mistake and that I'm the one he wanted to be with.
oh! no! noooooooooo!!! are you crazee?
when a man does this don't pay *rapt* attention to him, by dating him and kissing him.
He kept telling me just to trust him and things would be okay.
is this the stupedst thing I have ever heard? (yes).
Needless to say, she called again today...turns out he'd been telling her the same things. I had a long talk with her and we both decided he has mental problems and that we would both have nothing else to do with him.
good. now you are intelligent girls. ;)
Nevertheless, I can't get over the fact that someone could profess to love you, treat you beautifully, and still cheat on you.
don't think about it so much. i'm telling you the truth.
pay attention to *other* things.
stop this Maytag now. ;)
I would like advice on how not to fall for anything else he says.
nevah give him the time of day, and you won't have this problem.
...and how not to trust the next man I meet so blindly.
don't even think these thots. blot them from your mind. they are nothing but the road to nowhere . i'm telling you true. they are a total waste of your time.
Nevah pay any atention to men who cheat on you. the second you find out, it's noooooo attention baybee.
no phone calls, no e-mails (bleh!), *no* getting together to talk things out. if you do, they will think you are dumb. .
do not give the time of day even.
you have got to learn to *discipline* yourself not to pay rapt atention to men who hurt you.
this is the best advice you will ever get. whatever you do, don't go to therapy. go to the gym. no matter how rotten & miserable you feel. the gym doesn't care how you feel or look. go there. make yoself a super hot chick and leave this guy in the dust. ;)
red,
they were the cutest Victoria's Secret pyjamas. periwinkle blue, with soft roses all ovah. i'm mad at that cat.
thank you for the tips on the suds. will check them out! ")
I think we should start a cheetah girls care package thing. when a girl is in a break up, we girlz on the board all send her little comfort packages of things like her own leopard print gloves, or some faux fur pom pom ear muffs, and some godiva chocolates, and bath oil & a glamour magazine. ;)
she should be able to go to her mailbox in a funk, and find it filled with packages of fem fem things. if you have to be all tear stained, at least you should be able to do it in pom pom slippers, with chocolate stained lips.
GingerSnap,
Lili*, Every guy I dated grew very resentful when I didn't help them and DO for them. They'd want me to pay their way early on, do a lot of the emotional work in the relationship, defend/protect them (yeah, go figure!), help them carry heavy things, etc. Even the ones who did a lot for me, they always expected me to reciprocate equally. They would say things like "If women want equality in the work place, then they'd better get used to doing their share everywhere else." When I refused to do for them, we'd get into arguements. Am I missing something??
yes. you are missing something BiG TiMe. they were not hot for you. they didn't love you so much it makes them breathless & stutter & sweat. they were not hotso for you.
when a man makes a complaint like those, never pay attention to him (or the topic). Be Nowhere On The Planet To Be Found. Be at the gym or salsa classes. ;)
ignore him BiG TiMe.
why?
because he doesn't love you.
guys *never* say things like this to ThE giRL they are hot for.
ever.
when you hear it, you should *know* something is wrong and act accordingly. nowhere to be found. DaTe OtHeRs. don't worry about being mean.
men think GirLs like this are nice .
and cute, cute, cute.
that is *how* they think.
gingergurl,
when you argued with their complaints, that is paying *rapt* attention.
the better thing to do is ignore the topic, breezily end the date. Be Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet, and DaTe OtHeRs.
godivah chocolates, fur or velvet pom poms. leopard purse. ;)
new homework assignment. for chicken girls, shy girls, and sassy girls, is as follows.
next time you are out, and a man you don't know asks you your name, lie and give a French girl's name.
when he asks if you're french, tell him noo, flirtily, but your mother is ( lie again).
lol!
LiVe a leetle . ;)
do it once in your life. do it before you are 100. ;)
take notice that the fem fem girl had problemos with her boyfriend. she knew the antidote: terrify him.
don't stick around whining about your true feelings going blah, blah, blah.
why?
because it doesn't work with men.
what she did right:
1) she did not pay *rapt* attention to his "tantrums". she ignored him.
2) when he was not treating her right she Was Nowhere On The Planet To Be Found.
3) she DaTeD OtHeRs. and fast .
4) and she terrified him by Dating a foreign guy , right away.
she was therby a challenge.
have I not told you girls the antidote to problems with bfs is all out *terror*? ;)
her famous, hansome, bf did not propose to her when she stuck around paying attention to his bad behavior and problems. he proposed when she incited *terror* in him. ice cold *terror*.
lol. ;)
she moved away , not *toward* him, when it wasn't going well. she made an exit . and she made it with flair: she got a hot, foreign guy, pronto. ;)
this he responded to (for girls who are afraid to be mean) (pay attention!) by saying to the press, "I'm madly in love with her" and "she is my everything ".
the girl who didn't pay rapt attention, became nowhere to be found on the planet, and dated others quickly, is the girl he describes as "my everything".
My everything .
he is madly in love.
this is the lesson for the day.
de Caprio story...
how did it make him *feel* when she was mean (not staying around like an overly considerate, really nice , really patient girl, trying to work on things)?
let's talk about this. ;)
did it make him feel turned off ? or perhaps lose interest in her?
nooo! it made him feel, and I quote, "I'm the king of the world. Gisele's the sexiest woman I've ever met and I'm madly in love with her."
and this is the lesson for the day. and every day. print the story out and tape it to your frigerator. ;)
read it for inspiration, when a guy is becoming a problem. ;)
the right guy for you will Rise To The Challenge. he will not lose interest. or think you are *mean*.
he will find you even more captivating. ;)
lol!
notice also that he proposed in less than a year , which is WHAT men do when they are very in love. ;)
always err on the side of being less patient , not more. ;)
if you have to err, err by making an exit, too early. much bettah then making an exit too late.
men really don't mind it. if they are crazy about you (a.k.a. hot for you), it doesn't deter them in the least.
they will come after you and do better. ;)
they will keep trying til they get you. obstacles (other men) (hard to reach) (never home) are *not* a problem.
paradoxically, obstacles make *you* more interesting. ;)
RulesNovice,
Lili, can you give me some quick advice, please? An ex, who I adore, is calling again. We've talked a couple of times, but no dates (he hasn't asked). He knows I am dating others. What is the best way to handle this? I'd like him to either want to see me or get out of my life completely - this in between stuff hurts too much! Suggestions? Thanks :)
first, change your name to a french name, for the boards. ;)
second, spend *no* time with him on the phone. say, sweet & breezy, every time he calls, "ohh! It's so nice to hear from you, but aaw, I'm just rushing out ". ;)
every, every time he calls. mix it up with screening your calls, and not picking up half the time he calls, and not returning his calls. ;)
don't be pals. don't be phone pals! it's the kiss of death, to men's attraction .
men are atrracted to distance & beauty.
don't overhtink this anymore. get busy at the gym and dance class, and shopping, pedicures, and massages, and long, candleit baths and great music.
Live! ;)
this is what atrracts men. it is also what makes us happier! ")
forget all this serious overthinking! get totally into your sensual side. ;)
men are atrracted to us for our sensuality. for our distance, smile, our obstacles, (to keep it interesting), for our red, dainty toenails, our silky feet, our sparkly eyes.
our perfume, the way we move, our body, our hot dress, our shiny hair, our obstacles, our sherry red lips.
they are atrracted to our sensuality.
so, get totally absorbed in your pleasure and your sensuality.
get so sensual, the sidewalk burns when we walk on it. haha. start anywhere. buy a flirty, nonsensible purse. take a begining dance class. a sensual cruise. talk about sensual things when men call or approach you. talk about the cruise. the sensual things about it. ;)
always care more about feeling good than talking long blah blah, and serious, giving factual answers to questions and talking about problems, and analyzing the relationship.
they don't care.
this doesn't attract them or keep them.
yes, haha, men are atrracted to our perfume atomizer ball things. the mystery about it. the nonsensical allure of the round shape of it. they are attractd basically to curves . be it a breast or a miniature, rubber atomizer.
they find the curved shape more interesting than relationship analysis.
fill their life with a profusion of curves. get little pom poms on your accesories, get a round little, perky bag, a round little hat, a round lolipop. ;)
creative_kate,
Lili* - I am wondering what to do with a new guy I'm dating that is quiet as a mouse.
do nothing. we don't try to change men. you go on dates with him, you see if you enjoy them. if you like them, you go on more. if not, you DaTe OtHeRs.
never stay and complain. go with guys you like and have fun with. leave the rest. don't try to *work* on it.
There is so much silence. I have a hard time feeling connected or like it is a successful date when we just sit there. "Hellloooo is anyone in there?" (What I'm thinking -- as I'm sitting there).
then, this is the way he dates. look, it's not your problem. it's survival of the fittest. guys who act like this on dates, don't succeed at mating. it's his problem to figure out. not yours. hands off his problems. ;)
I am a talker...so I'll talk for awhile...ask questions...then it is silence...
yes. he is the silent type. ;)
On the phone...it is breathing and a little nervous laughter. So...I'll jump in with some questions and he answers in one-two word answers.
you're working too hard. you should just sweetly get off the phone if he calls you and doesn't talk to you. dating is all about survival of the fittest. may the best male get the female. if he doesn't have social or conversational skills, he doesn't get to mate. his problem. not yours.
He professes to being "Mr Average" with "not much new" "nothing interesting"" work is the same"" basketball was fine"....
Let Him Be Himself. don't disrespect him or complain about him. enjoy him, or stop dating him. if this is the type of man you like, than date him. if not, then don't go on anymore dates. he is allowed to be himself. there is no reason why he shouldn't be.
I have talked to him about it (I know not TR) and told him I'm not sure if he wants to hang up...or he wishes I would say something...or if I should be quiet until he has something to say.
noooo! lol. nevah do this! We Don't Help Men and we always act confident. If he has nothing to say, sweetly end the call, quickly. ;)
He said "I'm sorry I'm so hard to figure out" -- then silence -- then "well I guess I'll go to bed."
yes, he went to bed. he lost interest when you acted unconfident and were stymied about what to do. men like women who know what to do.
I know he is getting over an exGF from June...
this has nothing to do with how blah he acts to you. he likes you in a ho-hum way. girls he is hothot for, he puts more effort out for. it's how males are.
...is "average/ho-hum/nothing to say" but how do you get to know someone in these circumstances.
Don't Date Him Anymore. when a guy says this, break it off. i'm soooo serious. he's telling you he is not going to try to impress you because he's not motivated enough. not interested enough. when a guy is Very hot for a girl, he is very, very motivated to impress her. his Whole world revolves around impressing her. with how great he is and what good mating material he is. i'm not joking.
dooon't go on another date with him!!
kate, when a guy is Very Intersted and Very Attracted to a girl, he takes the lead in the conversation, he tries to draw her out, and he tries very hard to impress her.
do *not* date him again. or he wil hurt you. he's not very very very attracted. they need to be very very very attracted to not hurt you. he's not highly interested in you.
AquaGiRl,
Hi Lili:
I just got the biggest compliment from my guy this weekend. He said to me: "You are such a girl!" And he said it with adoration and admiration in his eyes/voice.
yes!! believe it not, *this* (and only this!) (i mean only only ) is what men want. it is what they want. it is furthermore what they want want . provide it, be it, and you will have oceans of men.
they want GirL. and they want sensuous . they want femmy . and they want pretty . they want dresses . they want sparkle . They want want Fem Fem allure. and distance and obstacles. and lightness. and breezy. and They Want *Mystery*.
they want GiRlY LiNgeRiE. haha.
Yeah!!! And I am not in my 20's either. :)
niether am I. and I'm also plain. but my bf thinks i'm a princess. it's soo funny. ;)
It has taken me years on these boards, and in RG meetings, numerous hours at the gym, shopping, getting makeovers, manicures, hair highlights, etc. to achieve "Girl" status.
yes. it is work. sherrie & ellen always ay that being a Rules girl takes a LoT of effort. we aren't lazy. we go the extra mile. we make the effort. that is why things go much better for us than regular girls.
Thanks to this great board and your wonderful encouraging words, the work is paying off.!!!!
yey!")
aquagurl,
they want our extreme difference from them. every dimension of it. ;)
girls,
a Guy who is crazy for you will not (and I mean *not*) (I mean not not) want you to do anything where you have to put yourself out. he will not want you to travel halfway to see him, travel all the way to see him for a date, he will not want you to move furniture , boxes, etc.. he will not want you to carry groceries. or boxes. or heavy bags.
he will not want you to help him clean his garage. or his car. or his basement. or get into dirty or cold places.
he will not yell at you if you decline doing something to help him (move, clean etc.). he will not want you to pay for anything. he will *never* ask. he will never *let* you, if you offer. he will want to pay for everything for you.
he will not want the rain to get on you, or for you to walk in snow or slush (unless you're skiing or mountain climbing). he will not want you to walk long distances in the dark. he will not want the wind to blow on you.
he will always want you to be fed. and to have enough ice tea or soda. he will not want you to be too hot.
he will *never* want you to carry your own suitcases. he will pick you up from the airport. he will never complain about picking you up. from anywhere.
he will *always* wonder if the surroundings are *nice* enough for you. if the car is *nice* enough for you. if the wind is blowing on you, if you are cold, and if you need some restaurant food now, or another soda, and if the table at the restaurant is *nice* enough for you. if the seat is *nice enough for you. and if you can see at the movies, or if some dorko's head is in the way.
he will *always* buy you malted balls and jujubees at the movies. he will call you constantly. he will want to go exclusive early in dating you. he will want to get engaged early in dating you (between 6 months and 18 months). he will want to plan trips and vacations for the two of you.
he will not cheat on you.
lovelygirl,
Well, my bf and I finally broke up. It was long distance and he has met someone else.
((((((lovelygirl))))))
Here's my question. His friends adore me, think I'm his soulmate and care about me and I consider them friends. But what is the best mode of action/dialogue to them for...
a) the breakup
be nice and reserved, pretty and mysterious. don't talk about it to them. nothing more than, "yes, we're not together anymore" (don't even say who initiated it) (don't say he's found someone else) don't talk about it at all. be mysterious, pretty, and reserved. don't be an open book. be poised. and mysterious. and look great.
b) how to act in social situations so that when I see him with them I'm okay,
more of the above.
c) that I convey to his friends that I'm fine, not bad-mouthing him, and that he might come back or to set me up with others?.
don't convey *anything* to his friends. don't bring up the brake up, or initiate any conversations about it. if someone asks,, be poised and breezy, say, "mmm...we aren't together, now". then don't get into a conversation about it. be reserved. and way pretty and gracious.
never speak ill of him. never curse. never ever say how he might get back with you. never ask his friends to fix you up. but graciously be receptive if they do. your attitude should be you are dating (whether you are or not) (you need no *help* with this!) (your dance card is full) ;)
you are sweet . if he offers to get back together again, the answer is "no" (sweet & breezy). if he offers to fix you up with another guy, the answer is, a sweet, light, breezy "oh thank you, but i'm seeing someone!". ;)
print this out and laminate it. ;) refer to it constantly. never veer from it.
it's in the book: when he breaks up with you don't call his friends and talk about it.
also, anything you tell them when you're falling apaprt & hurting tey'll tell him. he'll hear how much you're crying and how bad you feel. and then Ugh!!!
nooooo. you should be a mystery to him. how you're handling/taking the break up should be a mystery to him. he should hear through the *open & honest* grapevine, only that you're poised, gracious, dating. ;)
lovelygirl,
Lili Thats in the book? Which one - which chapter?
I think it's in book 1- the chapter on how to act if he brakes up with you!
I need to re-read it.
re-read it like crazy during the break up times.
Mystery Mystery Mystery - since a) I don't want him or them feeling sorry for me. "Oh poor lovelygirl - she'll be so lonely now" NOPE I want them to see a confident girl who has more on her mind than this breakup - xmas trees, shopping, volunteer work, career, buying shoes and perfumes.
mmmm...nooo! they should *not* see you focused on volunteer work and your career.
dating . You are seeing someone! you are "seeing someone!". what!? already!? yes! you're seeing someone! (even if you're not). wow! that was fast. wow.
yes! ;)
they should not see you busy with a,b,c,d,e and know in detail WHAT you are doing and WHERE you are going. no mystery!!!!!!
they should *not* know what you're doing. ;)
(except that you're dating & shopping!)
don't tell them everything you're doing, to prove/pretend you're fine. ;)
tell them you're mysterious by not telling all. don't tell them everywhere you went, everything you're doing. when. with who. every deetail. noooooo.
((((lovelygirl)))),
So no details, but if they ask me I focus on oh work is so busy, and I did this fun holiday volunteer thing.
nooooo! go re-read the post!!!!!!! this is the last thing you say!!
But dole it out in little pieces?
noooo!
if they ask, *you're seeing someone!*. but mystery, mystery! nooo deetails, other than your sparkling smile and your great dress and your shiny hair (this is *how* you talk) ;)
Very few details - leave them guessing and wanting more?
yes!
Get them talking?
sure. but don't pump them with questions or try to hard . conversations should be fun, light & airy and freindly. don't be a pumper.
Really......I'm seeing someone?......Ugh. This is so confusing.
yes! don't you even remember ?!
loverlygurl,
me. "oh gosh, yup, I'm seeing someone, it's really wonderful. "
nooo! leave off the "it's really wondeerful". it's not mysterious. it's too much detail. lol.
THEN CLAM UP!
clam up aftah saying, "mmm...I'm seeing someone". change the subject to his/her beautiful tableware or vase or terrifuc quiche! be breezy , moving from topic to topic, when sticky topics come up. ;)
be fluid.
(if they press for details - do I tell them it's too new to talk about?)
noo! lol. you just smile mysteriously and don't answer. go freshen up. get a mineral water. ;)
don't give any details. "it's too new to talk about" , is too much detail. lol. it also has an implied promise that you will be totally un-mysterious and tell them everything like an open book, laytah.
Or do I just smile. yes. smile. go get a mineral water. or sprite.
I promise not to be a Pumper. really. I'll try. But I read this darn book once and (How to make friends and influence people) and it turned me into one.
stop it stopi it! don't be an exhaustive, irritating pumper. give men space . they like it!
I'm feminine, sweet, charming, lovely, and mysterious is what they see and hear. Not moody, sad, or hurt with their friend (the ex) , They don't see or "hear" that. Is that right?
right! your own private girlfreinds, the rules board girls, you rules support group, and your sistahs and mom, aunties, gramma, etc., are who you let it all hang out with.
not the close freinds of the guy who just dumped you.
cool! tell us what you bought!
I just bought the cutest, little, flirty, fem fem, nonsensical purse. I love it! (I bought it to take on dates with my bf) (and, it's not big enough to fit money in). ;)
just my make up and keys. ;)
pixiepie,
Just curious...any comments on the following situations???
1) I was out with a gf of mine (who I met through the rules) and this guy asked us how we met. She said we picked each other up in a bar...he knew that was bs so then we said we met in a class. And, then he kept being pushy and said: what kind of class? So, I just looked at him in a confused way..."you know, I don't remember." A great line from good old Ronnie Reagan...hee, hee.
great! ") (you also could have met in aerobix, or at the gym or at a fancy spa. you could have met at the beach, at a swimming party, a party- anything festive or girly and fun).
2) Another scenario, a personal ad guy and I were talking for the first time and he asked me: what are you looking for? I just said: some good manners and a lot of laughs. He wasn't afraid of opening up though...he said he was looking for a relationship. I guess that's good. Definitely an awkward moment, though.
mmm...I wouldn't say to a personal ad guy that you were, "just looking for laughs". noo. he might think you're a loose party girl or you like casual sex. you're not femmy marriage material. mm...say, something else. like, a light, breezy, you "just like to meet new people!", or some other vague, line. or say you'd like to meet an honest, clean cut guy who likes baseball and lasagna. and then wink. or, oh! say you'd, "like to meet a guy who make a great Ceasar salad!" ;)
3) Went on a DZ the other night and had dinner. The guy had just been bragging about a fancy camera he bought, blah, blah. The check comes and he leaves it there for a few minutes...so I knew that he was going to ask me to shell out. And, of course, he finally says...oh, should we split it? I looked at him like he was talking a foreign language...looking puzzled I said...oh, I don't have that...as though I didn't even know what money was...hee, hee. I can be such a devil sometimes. I knew I wanted to NEXT this guy pronto....
fabuloso! excellent! ")
Have fun!
you too! ;)
camylla,
O.K. so my exB.F. calls, etc. etc. so he asks what have you been doing? and I awnser (I had obviously not read this board) so I answer WORKING alot, WROOONG, anyway he is calling me back tonight, and he will probably ask again what have I been doing? please help with some answers.
gurl , read this whole board from the start. ;)
say anything like, painting my toenails with Monique, going to aerobix with Chantal, signed up for a new swing dance class with Cherie, went leotard shopping with some girlfreinds. you went to a spa in Cancun. You went on a cruise. You bought a new pair of kicky shoes (red).
you can't talk long, because there's a sale at Victoria's Secret. ;)
give up the blah, blah about WORK. it does not interest men. they couldn't care less about your *work*. they care about your sensuality and your femininty. ;)
be refreshing.
margoh,
If I have a date to a party near my date's home, all the way across town from where I live, what do I say when he asks me to come to his place and get him?
say, light & femmily, "mmmm...I think...i'll pass..." with your voice trailing off lightly & airily...distractedly...lol. like a creampuff.
sweetly, airily, dreamily, get off the phone...(you have to go check on your lavendar bath, to see if it's getting cold or running over, or your souflee in the oven *even if you don't cook*, or your leopard lingerie in the washer...you know...you have things to do! that are calling you. ;)
don't brood or get moody or overthink any of it. slick on some sherry lipstick, flip on a french beret, toss your leopard print scarf (or pom pom scarf), and hop in your car and go out to rent some fun movies and get some hot thai food take out to bring home. have a luscious evening and turn the phone off. ;)
aaaahhhh...
don't worry about any of this.
Especially when he has a car in the City?
it makes no difference if he has a car or doesn't. or if it's in the city or the country. ;)
my bf doesn't have a car in the big city and he always comes to pick me up for dates (ditto bring me home) no matter how far it is. even if the date is right in his neighborhood and I am very far away.
He's suggested I take a cab and we'll go from his place.
WHAT?! lol. sounds crazy to me. lol. just go, dreamily , "ohh, i'll pass, hon...oooh! my lingerie is spinning is my bath is flowing ovah, and my soufle is done! got to run, huun." ;)
have a fabulous nite and don't think anything or worry about anything. he will think you are a challenge (even if you don't believe me), and he will get more turned on too you. so, don't be a scaredy cat to do it. ;)
rest assured this is the right thing to do. I do it all the time. men love it. sounds insane, but it's true (it's one of those insane but true things). ;)
I did it once, had a fun date. He called again, picked me up at home (probably because the event was near my home, he asked me if I wanted him to get me or for us to meet there).
you started out on the wrong foot. don't be an overly considerate or *logical* girl. men aren't attracted to logical gIrLs. they are attrrrracted to illogical mystery girls. with pom poms. the illogic of it all. sends their hormones swirly.
I need a good answer in case it happens again.
yes, you do!
If he says "Why don't you come here, we'll get my car and then go?"
say, dreamily and airly (rent a bunch of marilyn monroe movies and study her) (she is a genius), "ohh...mmm, on secohnd thought, I think i'll pass...oooh!..my soufle... is ready! i'm so happy!"
I want to say no way,
never say "no way". never say anything resentful , moody, broody, uptight, tense ( there's no reason to be , when you understand men). don't have a talk about it or tell him your preference or your hurt feelins (bleh). lol. don't explain, don't steer , don't guide. float off, like a flower petal in a jasmine breeze...your voice should trail, dreamily, distractedly off...
...but I like him and want to give him a chance. Any suggestions as to how to sweetly request he comes and gets me, as a good man should and would!!???
nevah evah request that he come get you. ;)
Lili* --
I feel horrible. I was helping a friend join an online dating service (the same one I met my wonderful boyfriend on). She asked me what his profile was like -- He said he took it off when we became exclusive (7 mos ago). But when she and I checked, it was there and he had visitd one month ago.
Should I *do* or *say* anything? We have a date tonight. He says ILY and talks about marriage . . .
pilara,
put a profile on, yourself, looking hot & cute, with a pretty smile.
when he's browsing and he sees it, he will blanche. lol. ;)
his world will turn upsidedown.
pilarah,
when he asks you about it, distractedly, airily, dreamily, say, in a floaty voice, "ohh, I thought I took that off..." (voice trailing off, as you hang your snake print undies on the shower rod, and pull down a recipe book and cozy up with it, to study soufle recipes...)(with your sexy glasses on and wine red lipstick on your pouty lips. bite the end of a pen and twirl your hair in concentration, as you read the mysteries of soufles. pay no attention to him. be absorbed in the sensuality of ssoufles, and not very interested in the conversation. whatever you do, don't stick to it like glue. no matter what he says. go in the kitchen- float - and pull down some eggs, and start making the soufle of your choice. be adventurous. no matter that you never made a soufle before. they are suddenly interesting to you. turn on some vivaldi or jazz. whatever you do, don't stick onto the topic like glue. ;) no moth-to-a-flame behavior). ;)
if he presse to discuss it laytah, you get into your tiger print stretch top and go to dance class.
be distracted - not attracted.
"princess pilarah to you",
call him up, right now (his voice mail preferable!), and leave a dreamily, airy, message light & happy, that, "mmm...I won't be able to meet you tonite...ohh!! I have to rush!".
then, screen your calls 24/7 (a sherrie & ellen technique). don't pick up or ansa his, and work on your profile for the dating service he frequents. ;)
choose the absolute cutest picture you can find. ;)
men are atrracted to us for our sensuality. for our distance, smile, our obstacles, (to keep it interesting), for our red, dainty toenails, our silky feet, our sparkly eyes.
our perfume, the way we move, our body, our hot dress, our shiny hair, our obstacles, our sherry red lips.
they are atrracted to our sensuality.
so, get totally absorbed in your pleasure and your sensuality.
get so sensual, the sidewalk burns when we walk on it. haha. start anywhere. buy a flirty, nonsensible purse. take a begining dance class. a sensual cruise. talk about sensual things when men call or approach you. talk about the cruise. the sensual things about it. ;)
always care more about feeling good than talking long blah blah, and serious, giving factual answers to questions and talking about problems, and analyzing the relationship.
they don't care.
this doesn't attract them or keep them.
rent movies, suspense or chick flicks. go shopping, get a pedicure, go to aerobix, no matta how hoppin mad you feel. ;)
(we don't care how you feel- we care what you do !). ;)
my new flirty purse is so fem fem, it makes me happy just to walk into the room and see it on the dresser!
it's fun, sexy, little purse, that screams personality and feminine mystique. i love it!!!!!!
(I always had nothing but sensible purses, too) (purses with *no* sex appeal). this is the first evah femmy flirty purse I bought. I can't believe it!!
I cannot wait to wear it on a date with my bf. he will die! he will fall ovah himself going to get me water, and soda, and moving me out of drafts. ;)
Fifi*
- Hi Lili*,
Sorry to ask again, but could you please read posts #3143 & #3144 ...mmmmmmmm.....
I've tried lots of times to do the search by post # thing and it doesn't work anymore (or maybe only on my computer it won't work). so I can't go back.
it's too impossible to scroll back, with time constraints. if you can copy & paste if the search feature works for you, that's the ooooonly way I can read back posts! ;)
beloved,
Lili, I would appreciate your perspective. My exbf still tries to keep close. While in Egypt, he e-mails me, brings me gifts (alabaster vase), and sends a postcard. As far as I know, he didn't contact others. Then, today I get this e-mail: "It certainly has been a wonderful couple of years. I'm glad that we both have fond memories. With regards to feeling out of touch as a friend, I consider someone a close friend if I can just pick up right where I left off with him or her, even if I haven't seem him or her for a while. That's the way I feel whenever I see you. We just pick right up where we left off. That's a wonderful gift."
:o
I should absolutely ignore this e-mail shouldn't I?
yes!! I told you that before!
By what he writes, does this mean he'd never be interested again?
if you ansah it, he won't see you as a fem. as a love interest. as a godess-girl. as alluring.
Why did he bring gifts from Egypt?
he likes you. you are feminine. that is the only reason men bring women gifts. ;)
How should I conduct myself around him?
ignore him *totally*, if he's in egypt and you aren't!
Unfortunately, I feel quite distant from him--we are not wired like they are, we like time together, so I am growing apart from him anyway.
if you are interested in him, you have to ignore him when he's in egypt, if you want him back.
never ever e-mail him. ever ever ever. you do, and you are demoted to girl pal, for an eternity.
I once painted my bedroom a color between lilac & pink. like a lavendar color.
it looked divine. with a white cieling & trim.
this would be a great bathroom color scheme, too. ;)
butterfly6,
I did so well last night I bought all new facial products and took a hot bubble bath and played with my kitty and giggled with my friend Kimi on the phone all night last night!
It was so nice! The guy I am seeing wanted me to come over, he was cleaning his apartment and wanted me to help I think...
hmmmm No, I said I am playing with kitty he misses me and I bought him a furry toy and he is so cute.
this is great!! ")
I wish more girls would do this!! ")
I watched Alley McBeal too!!!!
wasn't it sooo romantic!?
...and I put lotion all over my body and painted my toenails blue.
Much more fun than cleaning mr. brattyboys apratment...Someone needs bootcamp I theenk!!!!!
yey! you passed the test! yey! you are now elavated in his eyes!
if a girl doesn't like the reality of a man, she's free to stop relating to him. ;)
we don't change men. we let them be themselves. ;)
Fifi*,
My new guy asked me to dinner at his place this Thursday (we've seen each other twice/week for the past two weeks).
haha. the ol *have her over for dinner* twick. haha. ;)
My question #1 is, I want to wait to have sex until at least commitment time (till he pops the bf question, etc) - I would like to hold off as long as possible (at least 4-6 months, per Sherrie).
mmm..."commitment time" is marriage . all the rest is just dating . ;)
nevah confuse the two!")
I like that sherri changed her advice! I love it! ")
I am planning to go over, call it an early night after a few hours, I'll be driving there (not perfect, but he lives close, and this way I'm in control of leaving), and if he tries to get more physical, I can playfully move his hands away).
What do you think? How do I orchestrate the waiting for sex? I'm thinking I just move his hands playfully away from certain areas, and if he asks to sleep together, I'll say "not yet". If he says "when?" I'll say "I'll know when it's time." smile. Suggestions?
you would not believe my suggestion. lol. but, since you are on a diferent page than me about the topic, I see no reason not to do your ideas here. but be forewarned you could be playing with fire. ;)
Should I have a discussion about how I want to wait? (I think not, do you?)
noh. men don't like women who go on and on.
there's no need to go on and on about the topic, when you're confident. keep it short & soft. float away like a swan, breezily, if he gets conversationally pushy or ties to engage you in an in depth *talk*. ;)
Is it all right to say, if he says "when", to say "if/ when we become seriously involved?" I don't know how to do this.
nooo. it sounds terrible. don't say it. it's also too agressive and pursuing (to men).
Here is my second question about my new guy...
Last Saturday night, I asked my new guy if he was going to the opening night of the Ballet this winter (he likes that stuff). He said, "no, my ex-girlfriend [a ballerina] will probably be there, it would be uncomfortable to see her with another guy." Yikes! My grandma, a very Rules girl (she's 98), says I can't ask him if he still sees her, etc. - all I can do is go out with him if he asks me, and just wait and see if he says something further about her.
listen to your gramma. she is very femmy & wise. spend more time with her. take her out to girly lunches every week. ;)
but don't do this: "just wait and see if he says something further about her".
never do this. eNjOy your LiFe. right now. don't focus on his personal, private feelins about someone else. allow him his privacy. go to aerobix. go shopping. go to a fancy, delicious lunch with your gramma and enjoy her. ;)
Is this a red flag?
no.
I think he dated her for 3 years, and perhaps he broke up with her in 1999 or early 2000 (March-ish?) Remember, the reason we're dating now is I did "one call for closure", and before that, we met on a blind date (a mutual friend set us up). Should I be concerned?
no. nothing is wrong. he loves her. he feels normal feelings.
don't take your pom pom panties off with him.
(Also, another friend of mine used to date him seriously. I'm DYING to ask her for details [she said he was married once, my new guy never mentioned it]. I don't dare call her to discuss him, too dangerous (maybe they're in touch, probably not, though). What do you think? She might know the scoop.
don't pump her for info. he may find out, and think you're obsessed with him or too interested. men should nevah know this. also, it looks uncool. and you're bound to hear things that will warp your mind. when you should be at aerobix or Macy's.
forget all this and go put on a tiara and clean your refrigerator. ;)
blank these thots from your mind.
fifi*
this is your *cue* to mulitple date.
start building your harem, now. ;)
and enjoy it! ;)
don't focus on the guy heartbroken over the ballerina.
add him to the mix.
my suggestion (that she will not believe ) is to keep her panties on until he marries her. ;)
she can play with fire if she likes. but she should remembah she's playing with fire.
if she wants her heart to be safe, she will wait. if she wants her heart to be on a presipice then she should play with fire.
it's very simple.