At this point, the conversation can go two ways. The first way, he ends up with no date. The second way, He ends up with a date with me and I end up having all the info I need before I say yes to a date. ---------

First way:
Him: I am not sure. I'll have to let you know.
Forti: Umm. Well again, Saturday is booked, but thanks anyway.
Him: Oh, I was thinking about 7:00!
Forti: Right, well, thanks anyway.
Him: You can't make it?
Forti: No, I am booked but thanks anyway. That will be either the last time he asks me out or the last time he tries to do that bookmarking thing.

Second way:
Him: Lets see... How about 7:00?
Forti: 7:00 is fine. See you then. ------------

Bottom line: Don't say yes to a date until you have the details you need. Hope this helps! Love, Forti

jefferson1
Shewrote --- "I didn't feel a spark" is actually more personal than "I would rather not". Here's why: "I'd rather not" leaves room for a Guy's ego to repair itself - it's neutral, like Switzerland. If you simply tell me "I'd rather not", I can ration alize that into the least harmful of reasons in order to obtain the easy landing. When a guy asks you why, just repeat "I'd rather not". "I didn't feel a spark" (let's see, where's my Chicktionary.... ah yes, pg. 1316) means "you just don't do it for me, babe". It's an insult in Guydom. "We don't seem to have much in common" is just begging for an argument. We both drink water, we're literate, have warm blood... Breaking up should be quick and conclusive. Guys don't need reasons, we can think of our own. Ours always sound better than yours.

What Men Want
How to tell if you are on their "Wait till something better comes along" list from "What men want".

1. No intensity
2. Check in calls every week or so. Sometimes making a date, sometimes not
3. You never spend time together alone, except in the bedroom
4. If you are forced alone together you never talk about anything serious

How serious is he. (According to male authors of "What Men want"

1. He will call you at work and at night, (Daily)
2. HE will bring up his own serious intentions. Openly and in earnest
3. The more meaningful the conversation, the more meaningful the relationship
4. "When we are serious about a woman, we make her a priority in our lives."
5. They make time for you. Not just see you when the schedules jive. Like it is with a "goodtime girl"
6. He calls to see how your doctor appointment went

stormie1
She always looks beautiful. ALWAYS. Even when she's dressed down to do housekeeping, it's in very cute little casual outfits that show off her best assets. Her hair is perfect, her nails are done, and she's always got makeup on -- not tons, but it's there. My stepmom understands one simple rule: That men are drawn to women who they would be proud to be seen with. Yes, it's pure ego, but men cannot be criticized for this. It's their biological imperative. The woman they're drawn to is not necessarily the most beautiful woman. She IS a woman who can hold her own in any life/social situation.

Francella: commitment-phobic
There's no such thing as a "commitment-phobic man". All men want to commit, when they meet the woman they want. (The Rules teaches this, too!). Men aren't broken. They don't need to be fixed. There's nothing wrong with them. They are as capable of love and as interested in commitment as women. When men say, "I'm scared of commitment" it means, "I don't want to commit to you". He does want to commit to the right woman. Men say all of this "intimacy issues" "scared" and other stuff, when they want to buffalo the woman (after discerning she's not too bright).

In the case of guys, who mid-relationship do the "I don't know how I feel about marriage thing"... You know, women who aren't over-giving physically, rarely ever hear this from men, unlike women who are physically over-giving, who hear it all the time; and WUMTHS women, aren't devastated if a man does say this, because she hasn't over-given, and over-exposed and over-attached herself emotionally. It just isn't a problem, among the women I socialize with. Because they aren't overly intimate with men they are merely dating, all of the men who date them are men who are interested in marriage.

I guess I'm getting to the point that I can no longer relate to non-WUMTHS problems, because I see everything from another perspective now, and all from real life, too (not ideal life). A woman who hears, after sleeping with and falling in love with a man "I'm not interested in marriage", actually caused the problem herself. I would argue that women are "restraint-phobic". I argue that women are "dignity-phobic", "get-to-really-know-the-man-phobic", "reality-phobic" and a myriad of other phobias.

Women operate in a dream world, where they think, since sex is an expression of affection to them, that sex means love to men. It doesn't. Sex is no indication of a man's interest in attaching to the woman.
* * *
ALL men know in 6 months whether they do want to marry a woman or not. all men. every one. They don't need to bounce up and down on her naked and watch lots of rented videos for years in order to decide.

TooAudacious #78
The thing about me is that I'm too worried about what other people think

About 90% of the people you worry about liking you, you don't even like, do you? I catch myself doing that. I'm so worried about pleasing someone that it doesn't occur to me that they don't care to please me. They're not tripping over themselves to make sure I don't get mad at them. Otherwise they wouldn't have overstepped a boundary. When I catch myself worrying about whether someone likes me or not, I step back and ask myself, "Do I like THEM?"

My mother always says, "Maturity is when you stop caring about what other people think of you and start caring more about what you think of other people."

Joy-Rose #91: cheating discovered
Little Baby: whatever you do, DON'T tell him you broke into his email account. Please don't do it. I'm not a lawyer. Have you read "Invincible Woman" from the Flirting Tips? It's also on Classic Posts. If you're on the Flirting Email List, it will be there too. I absolutely adore the advice given on breakups there. Of course it's not The Rules exactly, more like the Bimbo way, but I love it :-)

If your guy is unfaithful and either wants to break up or is ready to do so, you should never EVER under any circumstances let on to him that you know anything about the other woman. What you need to do is move on so quickly that he will wonder if you ever felt anything for him at all. It is the best blow to his ego - another man. Or other men begging for your time. You need to SMILE SWEETLY and look a little mysterious and superior. Whatever you do don't tell anybody anything. They can all suppose what they want to suppose, and if they see you looking fantastic and dressing beautifully they will suppose that there's a better man in your life already :-)

LittleBaby don't you ever let on that you know. Let him always wonder. It's going to be fun for you to let him figure it out for himself. Take that attitude rather than the "let's have it out so I can yell at him and be undignified and unladylike and cry even more and beg him to be good to me"... He is way beneath you, start looking immediately for other men to help soothe the hurt. Like I've said to the others, we need to guard our hearts, men are just entertainment value until they pledge undying love and loyalty, and even then, we remain their biggest challenge in life... If men see us as game potential, let's turn it back on to them. It's our attitude to dating that is important, we need to see it as a game too. I remember one of the girls here having a revelation over on the Technique of the Love Affair I think it was, "Let the games begin" was her catch cry as she turned her dating life around.

Oh dear, I'm getting off topic. How to Break Up with Class. Never give him the real reason. Always be vague: it's me not you, I need my space, I have to find the real me, it's just not working for me, this relationship is just not me, it's not meeting my inner needs, it's just too intense, not right for me. And while you're talking to him get distracted really easily, get interested in the waiter/waitress, anything that's going on in the room, don't pay him any significant attention. The main thing to do is to totally knock his ego into the ground. Tell him he's so smart, so right etc and look very wise as you say it, just as he's telling you that he wants to break up. Look mysterious and superior. Be sweet but make it plain that you've already moved on. It will make him very suspicious, as it will totally change the dynamics of the situation. Instead of him having the ego trip of you being broken hearted and unable to find anyone as good as him, he will see it as some other guy has lured you away from him because he got careless. And this is the image you want to portray. The truth is that you've found him out, any of his subsequent antics can only be pure entertainment value for you. Remember to deny any knowledge of his email account, admit absolutely nothing if you want to get the most mileage out of this situation, and come out the head and not the tail ;-) Also don't put anything in writing, let him seek you out. The way you deal with this break-up is going to directly influence how quickly you recover. If you are ladylike, cool and dignified, never letting on how hurt and betrayed you really are (grieve at home in private) you will garner more respect for yourself. Other men will find you more interesting because you have enhanced your reputation as a lady - you will be a more prestigious and desirable woman if you exercise that self-control.

The more disciplined you are with this break-up, the better you will handle it emotionally, and the less likely you will be to give your heart away to any other philanderer ;-)

russian rulette #99: affirmations
One of the first things people need to be made aware of is that you must do more than simply say the affirmation. When stating the affirmation you must also feel that it is true and believe in it. Yes, in the beginning, this is often a lie, but it is necessary to produce the desired outcome. The second thing is that the affirmation must be said out loud. Saying it mentally, in one's head, does absolutely nothing. Spoken out loud it begins to take hold and the vibration of the words along with the energy of the belief and feeling will begin to set up a pattern in your body that supports the affirmation.

The next thing is that when using affirmations, you need to use them 1 to 2 times every single day for a minimum of 30 days. Another mistake many people make with affirmations is that they believe more is better, but with affirmations this is certainly not true. The affirmations should only be said a maximum of 2 times per day. Any more than this ends up in effect "watering down" the meaning of the affirmation, and it loses its power. It is also vitally important to continue saying the affirmation every single day for the full 30 days. This is because in the beginning, as I said earlier, the affirmation is a lie or, more accurately, the body and the personality perceive the affirmation as a lie. What begins to happen is that over the course of the 30 days the pattern, which began as a "lie" begins to become the truth of the personality. The body and the consciousness begin to accept this belief and this pattern as its own and as its truth, and likewise begin to reject the old programming. After the 30 days the pattern has begun to take hold in the energy field and in the belief structure of the person. Too many people quit during this time period because they don't see the quick results that they desire. As with any belief that has formed over a period of time, often years, it takes a while to reprogram your belief structure in a more positive manner. This is why the full 30 days is of extreme importance to the process.

Be selective: Work with 3 to 4 affirmations at a time. When you accomplish one of them, go back to your list and work toward reaching another goal.

LearningMore #104: Saying NO

1. Thanks for thinking of me, but I won't serve on the committee this year. I have too many other commitments.
2. I don't care to contribute, but thank you for calling me.
3. No, I won't be able to help you out next week; I have too many prior commitments.
4. I would love to spend some time with you, but I'd prefer not to discuss Leah or her problems. Let's have some coffee while you tell me what you've been up to. <--- Discouraging a friend from gossiping about a mutual friend.
5. No thanks. I'm not interested
6. No, I don't want to
7. No, I won't be able to, but thanks for thinking of me
8. No, that's not convenient
9. No, I won't
10. No, I don't care to discuss it
11. No, I can't make it but thanks for the invitation
12. No, I disagree, please make another recommendation
13. No, I'll pass
14. No, I don't care to contribute. Thanks for calling me, but please don't contact me again regarding this.

Regarding unwanted sexual advances from someone in authority (saying all three if necessary, if approached more than once) Second two are real-life examples where the women were then left alone.

• No, not interested
• No, do not come on to me again and I will forget this ever happened. I have no intention of becoming anyone's clandestine diversion
• No, there is nothing I would like less. I suggest you never approach me again.

+ + + + + + + + + See #105-106 + + + + + + + + +

brule2 #108: Why Can't You Get A Man
Attention! "Why You Can't Get A Man" directly taken from a 1979 book, "The Statue of Liberty is Cracking Up - A guide to loving, leaving and living again." I saw this in the library and had to bring it back to post.

"Now that you are single you will discover yourself clucked over and admonished almost daily by loving relatives to go forth and find a mate who will care for you in the manner to which they would like to see you become accustomed. Toward this end they will provide you with a great deal of guidance, all of which, they will assure, is guaranteed to accomplish this Amazonian task. All of which, they will not admit, you may toss away without so much as a second thought. Few of their suggestions will provide adequate assurance of locating a loving, lucid mate. What your advisers are providing is advice on how to get a man. Better you should know how not to get a man...especially if you really want one.

You can't shoulder a rifle and go out and shoot a man. That didn't even work for Calamity Jane, and she was a crack shot. You can't drop a net over one as he passes beneath your window. You can't throw yourself in front of a likely prospect's car, because it's a bit too dramatic, not to mention potentially hazardous to your health. And here are a few more ways you can't get a man:
You can't get one with good cooking, kindness, patience, planning, effervescence, or evasiveness. Understand elegance won't do it. Neither will over-inflated measurements. You can't get a man with looks, logic, persuasion, or a one-two punch landed squarely on the jaw. Personality, pretty legs, common sense, or conniving - you can't get a man that way either. A new hairdo won't get a man. An old pair of blue jeans won't get him either. (If they are tight they might get him temporarily). You can't get him by being good in bed (although it too might get him temporarily), by batting your eyelashes, puckering your lips, or preparing the world's best bouillabaisse. Being tricky will do you no good. Being tender won't either. You can be sweet or sour, play hard to get or pant like an over-anxious pup.
You can have an unsightly pimple or be porcelain-skinned, share his interest in old cars, iron his shirt, scream, shout, coo, cuddle, be as mercurial as the Mad Hatter or as serene as a ship under sail. Makes no difference. You can't get a man.

The reason you can't get a man is quite simple, and it's something your supporters won't tell you. You can't get a man because a man has to get you. And 999 times out of 1,000, a man is not in an acquiring mood. Unfortunate maybe, but that's the way it is. You see it's a big world out there, and there are lots of women for men to love. Not to mention that there has been propaganda to the effect that love today is free.... Although someone eventually winds up paying for it.

So he either wants you or he doesn't. There's not a whole lot you can do about it. If he does, he'll battle any odds to achieve his goal. If he doesn't, you could be Farrah Fawcett-Majors wrapped in Barbara Hutton's bankbook and he would still turn his back. And that is why, no matter what your friends and anxious relatives imply, you really, absolutely, honestly, cannot get a man."

Singlagen #139: planning
If he's hemming and hawing about where to take you or plans being slightly up in the air (like if you're trying to do something that includes other people), if you sense that he knows it's important and wants to make a good impression, but feels a little bad about not having really pulled it together, try to put him at ease - he'll appreciate it. Example - K said "I'm sorry this isn't better planned out, I know I should have..." I said "That's ok, I know you were busy this week, so I'll cut you some slack THIS time (said teasingly) but really, I'm flexible so whatever you decide is fine with me. I care more about the company anyway, and I already know that's good." (smile flirty) He grinned at the compliment and you could tell he felt more relaxed - once he knew I wasn't criticizing him for not knowing EXACTLY what we were doing, he got decisive and we got out the door. I smiled serenely and acted as though I was enjoying just being along for the ride, waiting to see what he'd come up with, and agreeable to most anything.

Always thank him and tell him you had a nice time - appear sweet and contented - he'll feel good and like he did a good job.

superdiva #149: movie star syndrome
To pull this CUAO-like "Movie Star" attitude off, imagine yourself on a big movie screen and your man in the seats watching you, enraptured, even when you are sitting across from him at dinner. This visualization will help you emotionally detached from the man especially since many women try to emotionally suck a man into their thoughts and try to figure out what he is thinking. Don't. A man needs to autonomously observe you without strings. I have had a couple of experiences with men at my job who approached me to say hi after watching me from afar for some time: they had noticed me before, wondered who I was, wanted to get to know me, etc. So an RG can actually create that "zone" of sparking a man's desire.

Francella #160: fem-fem refuse
The way I "fem fem refuse" it is I go,
guy: "what's your e-mail address?"
fran: "you can't have it." (smile) (sparkle) (flirty eyes)
OR
guy: "can I send you an e-mail?"
fran: "no" (sparkle & smile)(flirty eyes)
guy: (incredulous) sputter sputter, "WHAT!?" (HUGE GRIN) "Why not!?" (HUGE HUGE GRIN) "Why can't I e-mail you?" (starry eyed) (face taken over by a sudden glow).

I'm not lying; try it. Men are turned on when a woman refuses them things, not when she forks everything over. Refuse them sex, refuse them e-mail addresses, refuse to let them call you up late at night, refuse to let them drop by unannounced, refuse "rented video" dates, refuse to let them "hang out", refuse to let them go on and on about their "Issues" & "confused feelings" or any other mish mash. The more things you confidently and femmily refuse them (with a sparkle smile) the hotter & more dream-girl they think you are.
* * *
#178 One time I had a BF who was in law school and stressed out of his mind. He asked me one morning, as he was leaving the apartment for law school, to take his suits & shirts to the dry cleaners, right away, and stressed it was urgent that he have these for work (no please).

I said, "no, but I'll sit next to you while you look through the yellow pages to find a dry cleaners that picks up & delivers your dry cleaning to your apartment." bingo. He looked like he'd been goosed for a second, then he goes, all startled, like the sun was shining too bright and he couldn't really make out what was happening, "oh, okay..." he sat down, stunned, next to me on the couch.

I got him the yellow pages and opened it for him to "Dry Cleaners". He chose one. He called them (no! I don't call them to tell them to pick up the suits either!). He was more polite to me after that.

weezy #161: others
When he asked about my plans for today, I said, "oh a little of this, a little of that."
When he asked if I had lots of other MM dates lined up, I just said, "Well, we can talk about other men, or we can talk about you." Boy, THAT changed his tune in a hurry!

Francella #182: Shooing Technique
Always use this one! They can't figure out why the girl is skinny as a string bean when she's always got a pie in the oven! hee hee! :o) but some men want to keep talking to you while you are taking the pie out & asking you questions about the pies! hee hee! :o) then you have to go, "no, no, no! look you! I have a FANCY pie I have to tend to & you have to shoo!.. so I can futz with it!" Men love it when women tell them they have to "shoo!" They are wacky! They love this!

Sometimes I'll tell a guy who is talking too long to me on the phone (more than 11 minutes!) "You're cramping my style! I've got things to do! Why can't I get you out of my hair!" they love this! They are so weird!

hee hee :o)

Another great trick is to tell them they have to leave when they've only been at your house a little while-tell them "I've got things to do! you are cute but you're crowding me! now shoo! I don't have all day to talk to you!" they love this one too! They are insane!

ALWAYS smile when I talk like this, and make a BIG fanfare of getting rid of them. They will often start calling twice as much & suddenly take you to fancy restaurants if you do this! print this out! try it! It's like a magic charm.
* * *
The best education you can get for this kind of "magic over men" is to start watching lots of movies from the 1930's-1940's romantic comedies. They are like advanced courses on the rules! All the ladies are always playing hard to get & acting annoyed that gorgeous men are pursuing them. They are always telling the men to shoo! And the men are going crazy for them! They are such classy movies.

The first time I told my last boyfriend he had to shoo! Because he was crowding me (by sitting round my place pleading to take me to a fancy restaurant!) his eyes lit up like Christmas tree bulbs! Men almost always smile these HUGE goofy grins when you talk like this, and their eyes get all sparkly, like the electricity is on too high.

Another good one is to say when the phone rings & it's them, "YOU again!?" "Not YOU again!?" okay, okay, file these, but I advocate ACTUALLY doing them! Men love to chase women who are always shooing them away! Always dress nice when you shoo them, and wear perfume.

Impatience #236: Today
I'm going to try something: Every time he says ILY I'm going to silently add "Today": "I love you today" "I want/need you today" "Today I want to be with you forever" "Today I'll always love you". "Today you are the most important thing in my life." "Today I promise you - we're not going to date forever - by the way, did I mention that I'm buying myself a new bed?"
* * *
Most importantly, never talk about the relationship objectively. Don't refer to it as a "thing", like school or a career. The best way is to act like every date is just that, a date. If you're getting impatient, skip a date with him. Go away for the weekend or on a girls' night out. If you pull away, then he'll pull you closer by talking about the relationship, if he really loves/wants you.
* * *
Real men never say I'm afraid of getting hurt. They might FEEL it and say it to themSELVES but they wouldn't burden their Dream Girl with it. They would be ashamed of admitting the vulnerability. When a man's in love and wants to win a woman, he doesn't want to show vulnerability in such a negative way. He wants to show his "soft side" by giving you romantic experiences and gifts. By saying ILY. By doing all the work in the rel. By taking risks to impress you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt = I've been hurt in the past. I was perfect but some nasty mean person hurt me and I was faultless and now I'm damaged goods and you should pity me because I'm not enough of a catch to keep someone around and I won't ever take responsibility for it, but I don't take responsibility for much of anything anyway, so when you give up on me and finally walk away I'll blame you too and say you hurt me.

Daniella #239
Go out everyday like you know some men out there are going to want to approach you. They will approach you, because you're quite the catch, because you're a CUAO, unlike the rest. Be ready for it by being CUAOish: happy, L&B, well groomed, loving life. Focus on yourself and your goals. Soon it'll come naturally. "62 y/o is out of his mind!" you'll be able to tell yourself one day. So screw him. Who wants to be with a guy who's so totally out of his mind that he's pick another women over YOU, an utterly special CUAO? He's nuts, end of story. No man is worth the PBTing!

PersianCat #250
It took me a long time to be reconciled to my hub's work schedule, and at times I had some resentment. But I underwent a change, much of which is attributable to TR. First of all, I more closely observe my unmarried friends who want to be married (and I sincerely don't mean to offend anyone on this board), and they seem sort of miserable sometimes. So, as E & S say, even though sometimes you have to act like you are single; just be glad that you are not!

Now, I love having so much time to tend to my interests and myself. Ever since discovering TR I almost feel like my biggest hobby is myself -- exercising, taking care of my diet and beauty, doing things to develop myself intellectually, etc.

Joy-Rose #396
Scheherazade was an ultimate RulesGirl, a heroine who saved the young women of her land from a wicked misogynist sultan [a serial wife-killer] - she was up to the challenge of keeping him on the edge of his seat with her

Tales from the Arabian Nights - after discovering The Rules I read the story again. She was no sweet young thing, she was a mature wise woman who knew the risks that she was taking...

Never tell a man too much. Keep him in suspense and don't give him the benefit of the doubt, make him work to get into your good graces.

GigiGirl: Sheherazade is a Classic Role-Model for the girls on the Rules Boards :o)

Cooljewel - Aug 27, 2002 7:29 pm (#1 of 1)

When was the last time you ever saw a guy demanding of his "dreamgirl" that she contribute 50% and pay him back for the effort he is putting in? Exactly. Never! Men don't do that when they think you are the "dreamgirl." They will knock themselves out to impress you with gifts and elaborate dates, and they will never risk losing you by complaining in any way that you should be reciprocating.

Poster G asked: "You actually think there might be hope?"

Yes, but only if you IGNORE HE IS ALIVE.

Is the purpose of ~ignoring~ to regain power and balance in the relationship or is ~ignoring~ to help you move on or both?

Both. Suck other men into your orbit now. Now is the time for this.

What is your view on the 8 week wait? Do you really think it works?

Greatest thing since sliced bread. Does it work? Absolutely!

What should I say if he calls, if ever?

Be perky, fun, light & breezy. Talk about happy things, like your trainer, Paulo, or your fun, fun vacation- how preteee the beaches were. Your new Thai Cooking Class. DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP TALK or act hurt or resentful. Breeze off the phone first; go to Thai cooking/ aerobics/Paulo/whatever.
(Don't tell him you're going to the grocery store and the post office.)
Create Allure. Be funner & more alluring than other chicks and hotter.

Poster G, he's gone? Don't even blink, ignore him. Don't even blink, when he walks out of your life. Run out and buy some great shoes, and a new, cute workout outfit. Schedule a massssage (With Enrico or Antonio). Get out your Filofax and schedule a 1/2 hour massage once a week, with the hottest masseur in the spa, (it's legal!) Every Friday, aftah work. Treat yourself like the goddess you are. Don't even bat an eyelash, when men disappear like this. Then, you will rule the world and attract a much much betteh man.

Whatevah you do, don't write long, whiney, angry, simpy letters and send them. And neveh ask simpy questions.
Just Act Supremely Confident.

By the way, that is what I did, when I went through a terrible break up. Every Friday, like clockwork, I had a massage (For an hour), with a young, hot, handsome, dreamboat masseur at the local family spa. I did it for months. It really cheered me up!

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. Why suffer?

Shoes!. Are! on sale.

Poster G,
Drop him so fast his head spins. Forget him so fast, it makes his head spin. Men LIKE it. Do it and he will admire you till the End of Time. He will think you are awesome. Men are not like us. Men are not wired like we are.

If you still stay тАЬopenтАЭ to him and hopeful, he will think you are Whacko. He will seriously wonder what is wrong with you. If you drop him so fast his head spins, he will think you are awesome and Ohhh Sohhh attractive. This is the reality of men.
Men are attracted to women who want The Very Best They Can Get, and who yawn over men who don't give it to them.

I will drop him fast and cold but how will this boy know he's dropped if he is not talking to me?

He will know because, YouЭ (unlike all other women) will not be calling to "have a talk." You also will not be calling and calling to "have a talk", "say hi", "see how you are", or express your hurt feelings. *You* will also not be writing him *relationship* letters, that go on and on about how indignant and hurt, and humiliated you are. You also will not writing him letters or sending him beautiful cards asking him тАЬis the anything wrong?, and you likewise will not be e-mailing him.
You will not be flying or driving to where he lives, with a tear stained face, and sitting on his front steps, weeping and rocking back and forth, waiting for him to come so you can *confront* him with your feeling.

This is how he will know. Remember, *all* other women act like that. Whatever you do, don't be like *all other women*.