[Legend Of The Bog]
Plot:The bog corpse of a 2,000 year old Iron Age warrior is dug up and dumped by a property developer. Soon it awakens and begins to wreak havoc.

Cast:Vinnie Jones, Nora- Jane Noone, Jason Barry, Adam Fogerty.

My Thoughts:Legend of the Bore.

Review:Okay so horror films sometimes decide to go the simple route with their storylines. Take "Legend Of The Bog" for example. A movie set in Ireland, where a bog body awakes from a long slumber, and starts killing people. It doesn't get any simpler than that. But it can get better than that. And this movie just keeps getting worse and worse as it goes along. The movie puts a group of diverse individuals into the path of this rampaging bog man who has woken up, and is really angry. Well, not exactly angry. But more like hungry.

I mean the guy in this movie looks more like a hungry, blue-collar guy who just got off of work, and has bursted into the local krispy kreme demanding doughnuts. He doesn't look intimidating, scary, or even gross. Sure, it's pretty hard to scare someone like me. But atleast make the guy scary. In this film, he looks like a guy who had a plasture face mold put over his, and was sent out there to shoot a movie.

Such poor prosthetic work should be noted, to avoid it ever happening again. I know this film was an indie, but good grief, put atleast some effort into it. At any rate, the diverse group of people in the movie include researcher who's expertise is bog bodies (never heard of that department), a land developer with a Chicago-styled tongue, and a group of teen students who are sure to get killed off because, well, they're teens. And this is a horror movie, so it all goes hand in hand you see?

The bog guy spends his time taking out people in the Irish countryside, while the others end up getting lost somewhere else in the Irish countryside. The movie plays out like we're supposed to savor the moments until the big man meets the hapless travelers, but the bog man doesn't even manage to build any suspense up to that moment. His kills are weak, he looks terrible as I stated above, and he constantly grunts and groans like a braindead moron.

They might as well have called this movie "Legend Of The Tard", about a retarded fat guy who attacks people at random. No offense to the mentally disabled of course. But this movie just offers up nothing relevant, or intriguing at all. Sure, I can lower my expectations when it comes to slasher films. Sure, I can tolerate a slasher movie that's just gonna have gruesome deaths with hardly any plot or worthwhile dialogue. But a movie that doesn't bring the gore, the good story, the decent dialogue, the blood, or the action, suspense, and thrills?

Well that's not a horror movie, that's simply a piece of crap. And "Legend Of The Bog" is a big piece of crap. Vinnie Jones makes an appearance in the film, but don't think he'll be able to save it. Hell, I'm not sure he even cared if he was able to. He basically shows up at the beginning, and doesn't show up again until act 3. He doesn't do much besides shoot the bog man a few times, lay down some tough talk to the tourists, and sport a mean look on his face.

Honestly, the guy did more actual "acting" in "X-MEN:The Last Stand" than he did here. Speaking of that third act, it doesn't even try to bring it in any way, shape, or form. It felt like the writer gave up on this movie in act 2 and really didn't feel it necessary to try and atleast conclude the movie on an exciting note of some sort. "Legend Of The Bog" should be retitled to "Legend Of The Bore". Because it's basically a 90 minute mythology on a bad idea meeting cinema and the ultra-boring results that follow.

Positives:None.

Negatives:An ultra-boring script, a really crappy bog man, and a severe lack of vital slasher elements such as blood and gore.

Overall:No stars out of four.





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