[Lesbian Vampire Killers]
Plot:When their women have been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural Welsh town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice.

Cast:James Corden, Matthew Horne, Myanna Burning, Lily Allen.

My Thoughts:Decently entertaining.

Review:Wasn't sure about what to expect, going into a movie called "Lesbian Vampire Killers". Phil Claydon's film follows two young blokes who go to the British Countryside for a retreat away from their respective problems. One with female problems from a manipulative and slutty ex-girlfriend, and the other with job-related problems. Once there, they encounter a group of young women, who they decide join for a good time at a cabin in the woods.

Both guys are hoping to score of course, but the plan is quickly ruined when the spirit of a vampire queen, vanquished ages ago, is reawakened. Soon, her minions begin turning the girls, and the two blokes then find themselves in a fight for their lives and their survival. But they aren't up against everyday run of the mill vampires, these vampires, are lesbian vampires. And if the boys wanna survive the night, they will have to man up, and become Lesbian Vampire Killers!

This movie had a chance to be interesting and fun in a cool sort of way similar to the French horror pic "Hellphone". But instead, it manages to be fun for awhile, but quickly becomes annoying and tedious. Why? Well the film has all the necessary tools that a movie like this needs. The two male leads who the film rely on comedy from. They're total halfwits, just looking to get laid of course, but nonetheless, the film relies on them for the comedic bits.

It's got the hot women, it's got the vampires, and it's got the crazy plot twists, such as a priest who has to shut down the vampire queen before his daughter's 18 birthday, or else, she'll become a lesbian vampire! But all of these things never work towards the movies greater good. I don't know, maybe it's because as an american, I've seen horror/comedies so many times that mirror, and follow in the same footsteps as this one.

Maybe I don't, nor will I ever get British humor. Or maybe it's a little bit of both? At any rate, the film looks wonderful visually. The countryside setting really gives it a crisp, clean, and unique look. Especially during the night time scenes. But what you tune in to get, which is entertained, and a few shock-horror moments, are both never there. These lesbian vampires are good-looking, but not scary in the least. Nor vicious.

They seem more interested in writhing around suggestively and moaning suggestively, rather than ripping someone apart or tearing into them with their fangs. Ala "Bordello Of Blood", and to a greater extent, "From Dusk Till Dawn", where the women were hot, deadly, blood-thirsty, and vicious. They could seduce you one moment, and take your head clean off the next. You always had that feeling watching both films.

But in this film, you never got the sense that these guys were in danger. You always knew they'd escape attack one, two, three, four, and on and on...by the skin of their teeth. And eventually, they'd defeat the evil vampire lesbos. And that's a problem for any genre film. While nine times out of ten, the good guys always win over the bad guys, you atleast have to make me the viewer believe that this time....maybe not?

But with this film, I knew early on, that yep, these guys will overcome. And that's becauise the villainesses were too busy looking hot, and less concerned with snagging their prey. Despite their plan of resurrecting their vampire queen, which although it seems important from a plot point of view, obviously didn't seem too important to the lesbian vampires in the movie, who seemed more concerned with hanging out in the woods, in their wind-blown gowns, and blowing-in-the-wind hair.

Blood and gore are not very present in the movie except when the human characters are decapitating or smashing in the sternum of a lesbian vampire, and even then, the scenes look so cheesy and badly pulled-off, that the scenes don't come across as that stunning really. And on top of all of that, the vampires hardly do any damage in the movie.

They're pretty much all glamour and no bite. And what's a vampire movie without nuimerous scenes of vampire attacks? Biting, scratching, and such? None of that here folks. The films ending isn't very impressive either, and while it makes an attempt at being a cliffhanger, it pretty much fails at said attempt. "Lesbian Vampire Killers" is a movie which had all the tools to be a funny vampire/gore/comedy. But it blows it, big time.

Positives:Good-looking vampire women, the countryside setting gives the film a crisp, and colorful look.

Negatives:It never brings it. The gore, the vicious vampire vixens, the blood, the violence. None of this is ratcheted up enough to make the film effective. Also, it's too cheesey at times.

Overall:One out of four stars.





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