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[Vampires Suck]
Plot:A spoof of vampire-themed movies.
Cast:Ken Jeong,
Matt Lanter,
Anneliese van der Pol,
Charlie Weber,
Chris Riggi,
Marcelle Baer,
Michelle Lang,
Wanetah Walmsley,
Jenn Proske,
Bradley Dodds,
Nedal Yousef,
Mike Mayhall,
Parker Dash,
Matthew Warzel,
Emily Brobst.
My Thoughts:Vampires don't suck as much as this movie did.
Review:"Vampires Suck" is the latest spoof-horror movie to be sent out into theaters to annoy the hell out of the moviegoing public. The films cast is a bit better than that of most spoof movies though. Getting Lanter and Jeong into the film was quite a coo. Problem is, Jeong's role is a very small one. As for the film, oddly enough, this is a 20th Century Fox and Regency Pictures production. Spoof movies like this usually end up coming from Dimension Films, which has a huge library of films like this starting with "Scary Movie", and most recently, "Disaster Movie" and "Stan Helsing". But is "Vampires Suck" an improvement on the spoof genre?
No frikkin way! In fact, it's actually worse than most of the stuff that Dimension usually puts out in terms of horror-spoof films. This movie also doesn't jump around to spoofing different films. Instead, if focuses on spoofing the "Twilight" films, mainly "Twilight" and "Twilight:New Moon". Which is odd considering the synopsis reads a "spoof of vampire-themed movies." But in reality, there hasn't been a single vampire movie released in the last three years theatrically, that didn't have "Twilight" in front of it.
So, yeah. This is kind of like a comedy version of "Twilight", again, not sure why we needed one, but obviously someone at Fox saw dollar signs in such a thing so, yeah. The film follows a girl named Becca (Proske), who falls for a vampire boy at school who is a spoof version of Edward from the "Twilight" films. Basically, the movie spoofs every vital scene from each of the two "Twilight" movies, from the scene where Edward stops the pickup truck from slamming into Bella in "Twilight", to the scene where Edward protects Bella from being eaten by his relatives at the party when she gets a cut on her finger, ala "New Moon".
These spoof moments are strung together with other unfunny scenes, to form a 1 hour and 16 mess of a film, that uses the same old gags and jokes to try and get by. But fails miserably. Gags such as obligatory naked person scenes, gross out toilet humor, etc. Stuff that maybe a 17 year old would find slightly funny, but anybody over 18 is just gonna roll their eyes at. What I don't get is, these movies have declined in popularity and box office over the years.
Yet people still keep making them! I have become convinced that these movies are being made for actors to cut their proverbial teeth on. Similar to those "Children Of The Corn" sequels in the 90's. Lots of young actors couldn't get gigs, so the endless "Corn" sequels gave them an opportunity to do a relevant film, get a check, and get noticed atleast somewhat in hopes of building a future acting career. And hey, it worked for Naomi Watts and Eva Mendes, but atleast most of those films were tolerable.
Fact of the matter is, I could watch any "Corn" sequel on loop before watching ''Vampires Suck" ever again. This movie is unfunny, unclassy, lame, stupid, poorly written, all of those things. It's the exact opposite of what it sets out to be, but then again, from the opening scene, I knew it would be bad.
"Vampires Suck" may get laughs, chuckles, etc. from a certain audience of a certain age, but if you're looking for that Universal funniness that you'd get from any of the other comedy movies out now, you won't find it here. The sooner Hollywood realizes Jay and Silent Bob/Scary Movie-esque horror/spoofs died a decade ago, the sooner we won't have to sit through utter crap like this.
Positives:When the end credits rolled.
Negatives:NONE of the jokes were funny. The characters were annoying and intolerable, and the plot was literally held together with chewing gum and flypaper.
Overall:Half a star out of four.
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